Being a rebound does suck!

[taylorb]

Why can't I just let go?

 

In short: I'm the one who was with the Kiwi. Now his ex has resurfaced and he's feeling confused. So he wants to be alone to figure things out. I was pretty much his rebound (but didn't want to accept it).

 

So I've been keeping in light, friendly contact with him (not asking about his ex or anything). However, on Friday a colleague of mine (the one that actually introduced me to the kiwi in the first place), told me that she heard that the kiwi was going on a ski trip where the ex would be there as well. I asked if she thought if they were back together. She said she thought so.

 

Impulsively, I called him to ask if it was true. I just needed to hear it from him. I just needed closure. I left a message that was quite upbeat despite the circumstances. Telling him that "I didn't want to pressure him, but I heard that he was back with his ex and if he could please give me a call to let me know if it was true."

 

He called back right away. He told me that it wasn't true. That he was still alone. That they weren't back together. I apologized to him for making the call, but he reassured me that it was okay and that he understood. So I felt much better after that.

 

On Sunday I left him a brief message (because I was on a ski trip with friends) telling him how wonderful the ski conditions were. He called back and thanked me for the call and wished me a safe trip home.

 

So why couldn't I just leave it at that? Why did I feel the need to call him after I got home? What a loser!

 

So I called him when I got back. He picked up the phone, but sounded distant. I felt so stupid for calling. I felt like the big nerd in school who shows up at a party univited and noone wants them there. I felt like the clingy annoying girl.... I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I didn't. We talked for a little. He asked me a few questions. I asked him a few questions. And because he sounded distant (and almost down), I tried to get off the phone as soon as possible. I told him to have a nice evening. He wished me the same. And that was it.

 

Why am I torturing myself? He doesn't want to be with me. Why can't I just give him his space and let go? But, it's so hard.

 

WORDS OF ADVICE, PLEASE !

[CarterJonas]

Sometimes we can't have what we want. This does not mean though that you should allow him to treat you how he feels.

 

How much time have you given him now?

[taylorb]

Around September 28th & 29th the ex resurfaced and that is when he told me that he was feeling a bit confused. Mind you, he didn't want to break up with me originally, I was the one who suggested that he take time out to figure out what he wanted.

 

We saw eachother the weekend of the 1st and on October 3rd he told me that he needed some time to be alone. To figure out why he couldn't be alone and why he jumped from one relationship to the next. At that time, he asked if/when he figured stuff out (maybe in a month's time), if he could call me at then. I said yes, that he could call me.

 

Well, we kept in light contact after that (told him one night I missed him). And he told me around the 14th of October that he missed me too, and that he probably had made up his mind (I'm thinking at this point that he has chosen me over her). So we see eachother on the 17th. And it's totally intimate. But the next night I ask him what's going on and he tells me that he is not totally on track yet and that he doesn't want me to get hurt, but that he enjoys spending time with me. I tell him once again that maybe we should just be friends until he figures his stuff out. He agrees.

 

The crappy thing for me is that I just can't seem to let go. I want him back so bad, that I remain in touch with him.

[happythoughts]

taylorb,

 

You are talking to the master of this kind of crap! I've been doing this for months - torturing myself. I am all happy and upbeat so as not to apply pressure but then I get off the phone and want to crucify myself. Ialso find 'leaving it at that last phone call' practically impossible. I too feel like a sad loser sometimes when I've made my fourth call without him calling me, albeit over a number of weeks.

 

The truth is they wouldn't talk to us if they truly didn't want to - they would say 'leave me alone'. Not that that makes you feel better - you almost feel like you're driving them to say that. But then my ex will do silly things and reciprocate once in a while - text me or be sentimental or something like that.

 

In general, I've been doing so well and have been getting on with things while still doing this kind of dance with him.

 

But tomorrow we are meeting to talk about what happened. It's been several months and I'm tired of it. I truly want to move on with my life and need proper closure.

 

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone! I too have felt like the ignorant girl who 'just doesn't get it' in their eyes, when really you do....but find it so hard to let go.

[CarterJonas]

Ok then so it has been a month now since the ex. has resurfaced.

 

Give him a certain amount of time to make his mind up. After this period if there is still no sign, and however hard it maybe, you are going to have to move on. Obviously don't tell him about the time limit, keep it for yourself.

[taylorb]

happythoughts,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Doesn't this kind of behavior (the kind that you and I are doing) make you feel more insecure? Do you wonder what it would be like if we just did NC? Do you think they will forget us if we do NC?

 

Anyway, I'm initiating NC today (first day). Wish it was the third week instead of the first day, but oh well....

 

What else can I do?

[taylorb]

CarterJonas,

 

Are you saying I should initiate NC? Or should I still keep in light contact (but still be moving on) while he makes up his mind?

[trishcollins]

I think that you could actually tell him you want to back off and let him figure things out, and that your are there if he wants to talk. I think if you just go straight to NC, at least in your case, he may see it as you are angry with him or something.

 

Tell him that for now, you want to give him time to figure things out and that you will leave it up to him to contact you. I am sure he will. But don't initate ANY further contact. Let him call you when he is ready.

 

I know it sounds hard, but believe me, you will continue to feel like that annoying person if you don't stop now. And although right now, he probably doesn't see it that way, if you keep it up he will. And that's the last thing you want to happen.

[CarterJonas]

ok disclaimer time these are my thoughts and not necessarily what you should do but;

 

seeing you have not broken up, I would keep in light contact with him from time to time. It will be difficult until he makes up his mind, but if you start NC he might think that you don't care.

 

What I don't think you should do though is put your life on hold for him. Go out and have fun, you never know!!

 

Another thing I would not allow is an extended time for him to make up his mind. Give him a set time limit (don't tell him), say until christmas or early new year, if he still can't make up his mind by then I am not sure he ever will and then it might be best for you to move on.

 

goodluck

[happythoughts]

Taylorb,

 

The problem with telling him you're there if he wants to talk but you won't bother him is that then you are sat by the phone...for days...for weeks. Eventually you will crack and call him, thereby ruining what you said in the first place.

 

I'd stick to minimal contact - but let him do some of the running. Complete NC may make him think you don't care - and he may choose the other girl if he's feeling needy.

 

I am absolutely crap at sitting there waiting for them to call - I get so frustrated and then think to myself 'oh one little chat won't hurt'. Then the cycle starts again. It doesn't necessarily make me feel more insecure but it does make me feel embarrassed!

 

It's so hard because you're in limbo and your instinct is to keep in his mind through nice, light contact.

 

I'm ending my cycle of crapness tomorrow though - eventually you do get tired!

[taylorb]

happythoughts!!!

 

I am just like you!! Everything you just said is me to the tee!! So, I'm going to wait a full 7 days. I'm not going to contact him. Apparently his ex is overseas for 3 weeks, so I don't have to worry about them hanging out with eachother this week. Let's see what happens. I hate this crap!!!

 

Anyway, good luck to you tomorrow and let me know what happens.

[happythoughts]

Will do, we have to confirm the meeting yet but I told him I wanted to say some things and be at peace with what happened.

 

I have given him space, and been nice and loving and happy and all those things while my heart was breaking. But now I really need to let it go!

 

Good luck to you - sit on your hands, you'll feel better for it.

[taylorb]

Second day of no contact. Sucks!!! Want him to call. Want him to want me, of course!!! Feeling angry and used today. I'm pissed at him for making me his rebound. If he only got to know the real me, instead of using me to fill his void of pain, he would have seen what an awesome girlfriend I could have been. Argh...hate this feeling

 

 

Anyway,

 

Happythoughts-did you get closure yet.

 

Carterjonas-do you think I shouldn't contact the kiwi for 7 full days? Should I send him pictures of the ski trip I went on last weekend?

 

here I go again...I'm being needy!! Must stop it!

[happythoughts]

Taylorb,

 

What you are going through is so familiar - I had all that stuff for months. It is so hard to sit on your hands. The best way to do it is to think 'ten days', count them down, and then call him. He will not forget you in ten days, even though ten days seems like a lifetime, I know.

 

My ex actually took eight weeks to decide whether to continue the relationship and the limbo, the not knowing, was more painful than it actually being over! You think you are going crazy, but sit on your hands. I only found this site after we split up and had made all the mistakes of calling too much etc etc. I don't advcate complete NC, but you really have to space it out and let him come to you sometimes.

 

no closure yet, ex says we will 'speak soon'. Either he is gathering his wits or he doesn't care, not sure which. I'm actually angry for the first time in seven months. I don't want to see him because he's been such a s*it...if he calls I'm not sure I will bother answering. It is so over and I just wish I was being distracted by a new man quite frankly!

 

Good luck, keep writing. You will be okay.

[taylorb]

Hey Happythoughts,

 

It's good to get angry. I'm still in angry mode. I'ts the third day with NC. And I'm okay with it. I realize that if I called or emailed I would have nothing to say to him. He is such a loser!!!

 

Anyway, sorry you weren't able to get the closure you were looking for. Maybe soon you will feel that you won't even need to see him for closure.

 

This kind of crap does get old after awhile.

 

I will not let a man determine my happiness. And I will not chase after any man either.

[taylorb]

4th day of NC. Thought he would call by now because he knew I was so involved in the elections this year. Thought he would call and find out how I felt about Bush being our President again.

 

Anyway, he didn't. Unfortunately, I've been going out a lot lately. Drinking a lot. Making myself feel like crap. Don't want to keep drinking like this.

 

Still in angry mode. Will not call him. Hate this.

[happythoughts]

taylorb

 

Just keep yourself together. I know it's hard, I'm sure you feel sick all the time, I know it's killing you. The not knowing what is going on is awful.

 

I couldn't function at all during that period. Just try not to call him, however hard it is. I know you want that feeling of 'relief' but after the conversation, you'll be back to square one. Learn from my mistakes - let him come to you. I guarantee if you leave it long enough, he will call.

 

Just keep writing here or call your friends. Get out all that angst somehow x

[taylorb]

Happythoughts,

 

You've been a star!!! Thank you so much for your support. I wil not call...I will not call...I will not call....

[evy38]

Is what we are getting from our lovers worth the pain we are going through? I know I've asked that question before, but I keep coming back to it. How bad are we willing to allow ourselves to feel? How bad will we allow our lovers behavior to be before we say, I deserve better? Don't we deserve the same love and respect, from them, that we give? Why do we put up with less then the total commitment we want and are willing to give. What is harder? Loving someone who doesn't feel with the same strength and getting over it, or, spending years feeling unloved, unworthy and outside the lovers circle our friends share because we choose to accept less from a lover then we know we deserve.

Yes, it's hard to let go. But you know what holding on will do? It will chip away at your confidence, your sense of self, your pride and your ego. Those parts of yourself are not bad. They need to be protected and cared for because they are the part of you that fights, takes chances and achieves. Maybe we need to focus on not letting go of that part of ourselves, instead of focusing on not letting go of someone who doesn't have what it takes to love us like we need to be loved.

Every man or woman who has told their lover that they aren't ready to commit will one day tell someone else that they are ready. It just won't be us. So, if we take only what is acceptable and leave what is not. One day we will hear that commitiment ourselves.

[shademan]

simply there is no space for good people we are the baits for the predators of this jungle accept it or suffer .

[taylorb]

Evy,

 

You're right. There is a time when we just need to let go. However, I feel that everyone must let go on their own time. This is not the first heartbreak I have endured and I'm sure it won't be my last. Although they have been painful, I have definitely learned from each and every one. And although cliche, I have also become stronger and stronger each time.

 

This is the human experience. Everyone experiences heartbreak. And we experience it for many different reasons (bad timing, distance, career, changes in values, morals, age difference, etc.) And to be honest, I have no regrets. I wouldn't have had any other way.

 

I have also been on the other side. I have been the dumper. I have caused someone else heartbreak...probably toyed with him...didn't mean to...didn't want to hurt him. I know that I am a good person. And I'm pretty sure that my kiwi is a good person. And I know that my ex before him is a good person. I guess it just wasn't the right time for either. I know I'll let go eventually. It just takes time. BUT I can't help but hope. Because like I said, the kiwi is a GOOD GUY and had tons of amazing qualities! And as long as I'm moving on, there is nothing wrong in having hope.

[evy38]

Well, it sounds like you have your head in the right place. It sounds like for you it's just a matter of time and distance. I also think you're right about the dumpers and dumpees both being good people. Maybe it's about the timing, maybe it's about chemistry, maybe it's about knowing what we want and not settleing for the ones who don't want that as well or maybe it's a little of all the above. Either way, I think we owe it to the people we care about to start and end relationships in a caring, responsible, and mostly honest way. Maybe if we all did that there would not be as many people out there wondering what went wrong and trying to respark relationships because it wasn't made clear that they were, indeed, over. I'm not implying that yours is over, but talking in general terms.

[taylorb]

Feeling better today. Still want him to call. I wonder if he just plain forgot me. I guess I wouldn't be surprised...because it's getting easier for me. I feel almost like I don't remember what he looks like. Anyway, it's the 5th day of NC.

[evy38]

It is hard to think that they go all day long never thinking about you, and you think about them. It makes no sense that they can't see how wonderful you are. You wonder why they aren't coming back and begging your forgiveness.

[taylorb]

Totally....

 

I just have to remember that it's his problem. It's not about me. I can't compete with his ex. They had 3 years together and she really wanted to get married.

 

It will be another blow if he decides to marry her though.