Did your dumper ever return after you were 100% sure they NEVER would?

[CutieGirl]

I'll admit I'm having a really hard week in my NC, but I will not break this for the world. I will NOT be the one to open contact, it has to be him. I know there is a chance that he won't, and if he won't, them I suppose I just won't ever see him again ever.

 

My NC started 3 wks ago. I KNOW that it is essential to work on moving on, and I am, but because of how we ended things I just wonder sometimes is this really the end forever.

 

Just need a little encouragement and insight. I don't need another "Oh, Just Get Over It Already" speech right now.

 

So because my ex was so set in his ways I'm asking.

 

When you were dumped, did any of your ex's come back after you felt 100% that all hope was gone?

 

How long did it take them to come around?

 

What was there disposition?

[snappy5]

I know it's hard to not hold onto this sliver of hope, but you need to try. Working on yourself and accepting they'll never come back is the best way to move forward. If they do you will be in a much more stable state to examine and reconsider reconciliation.

 

This is coming from someone who is on their 3x breakup. I don't even know what to think anymore and feel silly to have had such high hopes.

[Shane Falco]

I had one come back after a year of NC, followed by another three months after that. We had a short relationship (she was a coworker), she dumped me based on a misunderstanding, I tried to win her back, things got extremely toxic to the point where I didn't speak to her at all at work (even when we had projects together I'd relay messages through other people) for the last two months before she quit. From there I completely avoided her until I randomly ran into her a year later, which by that point my anger was gone and I was able to accept her apology. But even after that I didn't see her for another three months until I ran into her at a get-together held by a mutual friend. It was like someone hit a reset button on her attraction to me, as she was as flirty and happy with me as when we first met. I decided not to pursue it ultimately, but I'm still friendly with her to this day. But it was there for the taking for me. So yeah, it can happen -- I was positive that I'd have no contact with her ever and 187 percent positive that any attraction she had toward me was gone.

[snappy5]

Based on my current knowledge the issues that were there will seldom be solved after a few months. Without some sort of couples counseling to address these issues you'll fall back into a similar pattern as before. Reconciliations work because people grow during their time apart, a few months won't foster that big of a change. Counseling catalyzes those changes if both of you are willing to work on them. Unfortunately for me my ex did not feel committed enough to do that.

[CutieGirl]

Unfortunately for me my ex did not feel committed enough to do that.

 

Wow, so sorry to hear that snappy5. Some people are just idiots. Leaving a good thing when things get hard. I know how you must feel and my heart goes out to you.

[dreamstate83]

8 years ago, long before my current ex, a woman that I loved more than anything had pulled the plug on a long term relationship to be with someone else. Any mistakes that one could make, we did. We became so toxic to each other that eventually I had to pull the plug on any contact to prevent us from hurting each other any more. It took 2 years to get over her, and here I stand just as the sun sits in the sky to tell you that I'm currently planning a trip to Vegas with her in 6 months.

 

We've talked about the past quite a bit since reconnecting a month ago, and it's very clear that we have both grown independently of each other into something much more compatible. Will we fall in love again the moment we see each other? Who knows. If we decide we cannot, then we will be life long friends for sure. It was her that re-established lines of communication, by the way.

 

Life is a mystery, and you just never know what waits for you around the corner. That's why it's important to not focus on where you are, but where you will be eventually.

[rippedinsides]

My ex came back. Twice. He broke up with me in March last year. Then came back in early April when I went NC. Then he broke up in May. Came back in June. Then he broke up with me again in March this year. It's been over 8 months now and we are still apart. I know if I stick to NC he will come back again. I know he misses me but he's being too pig headed to let go of his ego, stop blaming me and try to work things out.

 

All I can say is, yes, if your ex really loved you even for a day, then your absence will really hurt and he/she will come back if you walk out at the right time. It usually takes about 2 weeks of NC for your absence to really be felt. In some cases, your ex's ego might be too big and they would never come back. However, don't be too easy to get back. I learnt it from experience. If I had to put my foot down last year and make him really work for me and appreciate me, then I wouldn't be going through the pain of another breakup right now. If someone loves you, they will not hurt you with a breakup. And if they did hurt, you, make them jolly well earn your love if they ever want you again. If they feel you are easy to get and desperate to be with them, then they will dump you again when things go wrong.

[maggieMAE]

They don't usually come back for the reasons we hope.

Mine is back. I never thought in a million years that she would be back, but I was a great GF so why should I be surprised? But guess what, I won't be getting what I want out of the situation. The bridge has already been burned, and like others have said, I think the best "come back" is when it's long down the road so another bridge can be built. She destroyed everything we had and there's no foundation to accept her back anymore. I wouldn't be able to trust that the same stuff wouldn't happen again.

 

That's a truly hard call to make too. When you have to be the one to say "no" when they do come back for more. It's been harder than being left in the first place. I didn't believe it when people said that the best gift a dumper can give is a disappearance. It's true. When they come back with regrets, it hurts cuz you really don't know if what they're saying is true. I wanted her to regret it more than anything, and it was for my own validation, but now that I have it, I hate it. I cry more now than I did initially. So watch out what you wish for.

 

As for how long, it took about 2 months of my NC for her to finally reach out to me. And none of it mattered when she did. She's still with the girl she hooked up with a month after we split. I don't even know for sure if she was trying to string me along or if she wanted to make sure I was a sure thing before leaving this girl. And I don't care, honestly. Her coming back to sink her teeth in more just makes me hate her, because the way she did it (by trying to force me to talk to her and harassing me for 5 hours) shows she has no concern for me. I know my reply is littered with bitterness, but I can't see it going any other way when they come back after such a short period of time. I've seen many friends hope and pray that their ex comes back, only to go from hoping to hateful once they finally do, cuz they get into the mindset of "what are you trying to use me for now?" once they hear from them. It's best to forget about it for now and maybe a year or two down the road something better can happen. But after all that pain and healing, the dumpee usually doesn't see a point anyway.

[Clueless90]

Yup it happens. I think they genuinely believe at the moment of breakup that its it and I was convinced too from the breakup but you know what people sometimes regret/change their minds, human nature to go back to whats familiar/to gloss over all the problems with some passing of time (not everyone) but I think most people do it to a certain extent.

[Doc Blaze]

Me and my gf went NC off and on for a while....for about the first month we didnt talk at all...then we did friends with benefits and it turned bad...we both decided to just call it quits...all together after 6-7 months...we started to text...just friendly stuff nothing much...then we hung out one night...and idk what happened but...we are back together ,..we both dated other people while broken up.. we didnt rush back into the relationship either..we talked about our issues and how to work on them and things have been pretty good only a bump or 2 in the road but i can see she is trying now..i can see she wants it to work and her attitude has changed a lot...

 

 

Its also depends why you guys broke up..my gf never said she fell out of love with me..she also said she thought of me everyday. We were just getting on each other nervous to the point where we couldnt stand each other and i kinda agreed even though i was willing to work on it longer than we def needed a break away from each other

 

 

but when we ended things i thought that was the last time i would see her....

[jenna-is-here]

Yep. My ex and I lived together for 4 years and broke up bc he didn't think I was the woman for him for marriage. Typical grass is greener thing. I was devastated but just took it one day at a time. Now it is THREE years later and he is chasing me hard. Said he was an idiot. He is going to marry me and so whatever it takes. Funny thing is, I have zero interest anymore.

 

I think they come back when we are truly starting to move on.

 

My new motto is focus on you, move on the best you can but you never have to give up hope meaning, a old love may come back 20 years later!

[Tom1990]

Yes, and always when I got completely over her; my college sweetheart. She came back twice.

 

My last ex came back when I was sure she never would, but I was nowhere near over her when it happened. We had fun dating, but the breakup was horrible.

[benjii]

I hope my girl comes back but I highly doubt it as she getting with someone else and looks happy after 2 weeks

[sharky988]

My new motto is focus on you, move on the best you can but you never have to give up hope meaning, a old love may come back 20 years later!

 

I agree with this. Pretty much anytime an ex is ever single in the future, they're probably going to reconsider their old exes and often come snooping back around if what you had was meaningful. And this can happen months, years, even decades down the road.

 

For lots of people, it's more comfortable to go back to an old relationship than it is to face the unknown and seek out new relationships -- so it kind of makes sense to me that they usually pop back up over time.

 

I've usually heard back from my old exes eventually. Even ones I thought absolutely no way 100% would never happen!

 

Never underestimate the power of NC + Time!

[DylanNotorious]

I agree with everything snappy and sharky said.

[CutieGirl]

Its also depends why you guys broke up..my gf never said she fell out of love with me..she also said she thought of me everyday. We were just getting on each other nervous to the point where we couldnt stand each other and i kinda agreed even though i was willing to work on it longer than we def needed a break away from each other but when we ended things i thought that was the last time i would see her....

 

Yeah, some days I think I'll never see him again. Some days I think I just might.

 

He left because he felt he wasn't good about himself. I blamed myself and I understand now that I shouldn't have ever blamed myself. I treated him like a king.

 

He had become depressed and unusually tired all the time and felt like at 52 he was getting too physically drained from his job to be an active partner. (I am 41 and never had a problem with his age). In the last few days, he would say he still loved me, but he acted like nothing I did was good enough. He was growing more and more distant and self centered.

 

Anyway, I don't know how true that excuse was, but I accepted his request to leave and let him go - Sent him one last text to show concern and went straight into NC. It's been almost a month now and no word from him. He's kept me as a FB friend but took our pictures down.

 

I know for a fact he wasn't cheating on me. He was however, very stubborn! Had to have everything his way. He had rules for me that he wouldn't follow his own damn self. If he didn't get his way he would let his resentments brew and build up insurmountable walls. Deep down inside I think the real reason he left was that he was still resentful that I would not live with him before marriage. His lease is up this month and he would have rathered move in with me instead of getting a new living space, but I flat out didn't want that. I was already giving him all the love and support, sex and home cooked meals a man could want. I was not going to give in to that request. He was just scared of having another failed marriage and I understand that, but I had already told him he we could wait a year or so before really deciding whether or not we should get married so he would NOT feel pressured.

 

Anyway, I hear many stories of people coming back but some days I'm still worried. If he's too embarrassed or if he is still having self doubtfulness, will his prideful ego override his love and longing for me.

[CutieGirl]

i agree with this. Pretty much anytime an ex is ever single in the future, they're probably going to reconsider their old exes and often come snooping back around if what you had was meaningful. And this can happen months, years, even decades down the road.

 

For lots of people, it's more comfortable to go back to an old relationship than it is to face the unknown and seek out new relationships -- so it kind of makes sense to me that they usually pop back up over time.

 

I've usually heard back from my old exes eventually. Even ones i thought absolutely no way 100% would never happen!

 

Never underestimate the power of nc + time!

 

just read this. Thanks to you and jenn!

[sharky988]

I hope my girl comes back but I highly doubt it as she getting with someone else and looks happy after 2 weeks

 

Most people are happy and bubbly the first few weeks and months of a new relationship! That doesn't mean it's going to last beyond the initial honeymoon phase, though.... not that you should keep waiting for her or put your life on hold. But don't assume that just because she's happy now, that's how she's going to remain.

[Skobefree]

Do you think even after somebody has made their mind up that a relationship will just never work, and having pushed them away to the fullest possible extent, that they could still one day turn around and reach out to you? I was extremely heartbroken and irrational after trying to reconcile with my ex of 4 years (broke up in April, tried to reconcile in September/October) but she ended it again when I was feeling very comfortable and confident that things were working. I got angry at first and said so many nasty things because I felt so used. Then proceeded to go through the motions of hating her, then trying to undo the damage my hatred caused, then begging, pleading, reasoning etc etc. and even going through periods of constantly bombarding her with every single thought that passed through my head and totally harrassing her...

 

I know that I could never forgive her because we could have worked things out. I was willing to give her anything she wanted and make lots of compromises because I loved her that much. But she completely ignored me and made her own selfish mind up. I never expect her to ever come back because I portrayed my pain to her when I was hurting so much that she was worried I would become suicidal and she contacted my friends to make me stop contacting her. I was literally vomitting in pain at certain points and because I was so heartbroken I was literally trying to say anything I could to hear something back from her but she persisted with the silent treatment. In certain cases I think that the silent treatment is extremely cruel and unnecesary and causes more damage than simply hearing the truth from the other person. If she had simply told me what went wrong, or spoke to me to give us closure, it would have saved me so much distress and confusion. Especially when there was love involved. She sat back and watched me go totally crazy from all the mixed emotions and thoughts that her silent treatment perpetuated inside my mind. At times I could step back and realise what I was doing but as soon as another wave of pain hits, rationality goes right out the window... I'm sure it has only served to push her further and further away.

 

Has anybody ever went through anything similar to what I have just done and then had an ex come back in the future? I would love for her to come crawling back one day after realising what she lost and for me to be able to hold my head high and tell her to go away after what she did to me... I'm afraid that she wont because she seems to have simply become that stubborn...

[CutieGirl]

See my next post......

[CutieGirl]

Maaaaaaaaaan, That's what I wanna know! LOL

 

You know, I was thinking about that last night how pigheaded people can be. I DO remember one guy that came back to aplogize for being so unfair/disrespectful to me, but he did it literally days before his wedding to a new womanl!

 

I remember how I didn't want to talk to him ever again! He had a lot of kinky sexual requests that I just wouldn't do so he cussed and cussed some more then he ended it. The he came back a month later, time and time again to see if he could get me to "just go with it". After he had enough begging, I was glad he was gone, I knew I would have been settling for less...a lot less, my dignity and pride would have been gone forever and as low as I was self-esteem wise, somthing in me knew I just couldn't do myself that bad.

 

When he finally contacted me again it had been a whole year. He had a woman friend (whom I had NEVER met before) track me down and email me that he needed to talk to me real badly. I told her: Whoever the hell you are tell HIS twisted ass to kick rocks! LOL

 

After several more attempts I finally talked to him. I figured, OK, he must have something REALLY important to say.

 

Do you know this flake was trying to apologize and FLIRT with me at the same time! I told him, Uh, Dude? I KNOW you're getting married! It was only after I busted him did he calmed down! I accepted his apology, told him to be happy, and said GOODBYE...

 

Things were quiet for about 3 months. ...Guess who "finds" me on FB??? Guess who's cryin' now that his marriage was going down hill? I suppose you can "guess" who it was! LMBO!!!!

 

While you're in the thick of a break-up, there's almost NO way to have faith that your ex will come back. For me it was hard to have faith for anything. It hurts, but the dirty truth is if you want ANY chance at reconciling with your ex, the other person NEEDS time apart from you and you NEED it too. (Actually YOU need it like a fish needs water!).

 

Will my ex come back? One day I'm sure he will - other days, I just don't know. This is why I have to really fight to keep my head together and (as much as I hate saying this) - Move on.

 

There is something almost spiritual about releasing or detaching from something you want SO bad. It sucks because, well....you want it SO bad!

 

Anyway - I hope my ramblings have helped. I'm not out of the forest all the way myself.

 

Do a search of the Law of Detachment (D. Chopra). Hope this helps!