relationship having obligatory things that arent meant to be

[quazit]

not the normal ones like dont cheat and such but odd ones. basicaly i feel like i have to be emotionaly and sexualy on every time i see or talk to my girlfriend.

 

i cant really say anything because she would get way to upset. i did say something to night and now shes cryong and saying we should be on a break. i think it actually might be a good idea but im to afraid to tell her that because it would just upset her and make her probobly start dating another guy while we are on our break like the last time we took a break.

 

she finds a way to twist almost everything i say its making me afraid to even talk to her! i love her dearly but i cant be afraid to talk to her. she once asked me a very very long time ago how long it might take me after we broke up to start being interested in other people. and i said a month at least and now she keeps bringing it up that a month is a very short time! even though i said i didnt really know but that was just a random estimate.

 

i dont want to have sex until i am a bit older because well i want it to be more special than it can be now i want to be able to spend a weekend or at least an entire day and night with the person i have my first time with.

 

unlike alot of 15 year old guys i am not constantly wanting sex. id ont even want it all that much. i think im starting to feel so obligated in my relationship that im starting to subconsciously sabotage it. like not noticing when something will make her upset like when i was picking up her friends cause i was the strongest guy at a party. please help i seriously need to know what to do!

[Bloodblade]

i understand that you dont want to hurt your girlfriend, but look at what the relationship is doing to you. you dont need that kind of stress and pressure put on you. i say you tell her to back off a lil and if she doesnt then dump her.

 

it will be hard for you and she will get hurt, but it sounds like your just delaying somthing thats bound to happen anyway

 

u just cant be in a relationship and be scared to talk to the other person, she is pushing you away with her actions

[Francis]

It is important to get to know a person rather well, before having a relationship.

 

The two of you don't seem compatible. It seems she is quite domineering and manipulative, and you seem to be a bit too sweet for her. If the relationship keeps going this way, eventually you will lose your voice in the relationship, your opinions will not be worth anything and you will acquire SERIOUS SELF-ESTEEM problems.

 

You should not accept anybody to treat you in a way you would never treat another human being. Why are you accepting this? Perhaps you are used to emotional abuse at home. Be careful.

 

Whenever a person makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells, you should get out of the relationship. Whenever a person makes you feel confused, you should also walk away. You have the right to feel normal, respected. Your voice is important, your opinions are important.

 

It is a very good thing that you don't want to have sexual relationships yet. I think that you must acquire a bit more personal security before entering into a relationship. Perhaps you should take some martial arts courses?

 

Take care!

[quazit]

iv never had any trouble standing up for myself i am not used to emotional abuse. most of the time im very happy with her its just i dont want to hurt her i have already hurt her before. weve both already broken things off once in this relationship. i cheated on her once really early. and i do love this girl. but cant believe me that i love her. whenever she gets even slightly upaet she says one thing "you cant really love someone you hurt that bad"

 

iv lost any response to that except telling her that i do love her. she sometimes feels stupid for taking me back after i cheated because before it happened to her she had always thought of cheaters as not deserving forgiveness. and the people who did take them back... well she just saw them as stupid.

 

she already has bad self esteem but i think the only way im going to be able to build that for her is if i just constantly need her and her body. she says she doesent care if some days im not feeling sexual but im kind of sceptical but i will tell her if one day i dont want to do anthing more than kiss her.

[quazit]

its also funny that you said we arent compatable becuase iv never met soemoen who im as compatable with as her. things are good except that im now realizing that shes kind of emotionaly dependant on me. from now on im just going to speak my mind and if thats what ends the relationship then it wasnt meant to be. as much as i dont want that. it may happen. i think i lov her enough that if we were older i would want to marry her but the problem is how young we are. can actual love persavere when your this young??? or will it just end p being destroyed but help you get thru some things when your younger?

[SecondChance]

I don't think love is the question, it's how you two discuss your feelings that is the issue.

Right now, there is a pattern: from your point of view, you bring up a feeling that she doesn't like, she then "makes" you feel guilty by telling you that you if you really loved her, you wouldn't feel that way, much less say it to her.

She needs to find a way to express how hurt she is without implying that you don't love her.

Then you can feel less guilty about expressing your feelings.

If she continues to pull the "if you really loved me, you wouldn't say that" line, then you just need to be firm. "I DO love you but I still feel---"

I think that you have appropriately realized that she is an emotionally dependent person. It's very unhealthy to be in a relationship where you are constantly afraid of expressing your feelings because you might hurt the other person. If this pattern doesn't change, you might want to consider ending the relationship.

[quazit]

she doesent say "if you really loved me you woudlnt sayand/or feel that" what she brings up every time shes even a little bit upset is the times i skrewed up big and then she gets alot of dout whether or not i love her because then she goes "if oyu reall yloved someone how could you do that to them (cheat)" i wasnt really in love with her then is the thing . i am going to keep stating my feelings but im only afraid to because it might be the end of us.

[Francis]

In your first posting, it seemed that she was the type of person who is never happy or satisfied. However, now that you tell us that you cheated on her and hurt her in the past, we are capable to analyse the situation from another point of view.

 

By cheating on her, even though this was very early in the relationship, you may have broken the trust bond between you, and unfortunately that is very difficult to mend. She is still resentful.

 

You should write to her and tell her all your feelings and how much you love her and regret doing that. There is no guarantee it will work, but you should try.

 

I hope the best for the two of you. Take care!