mtski Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 I really think what hurts the most is having the courage to see things for what they are and quit living in denial. I think for me, denial has been the place ive been in the longest. I didn't want to believe any of it. I truly thought my ex felt the same about me, but in the end it all adds up. He made the choice to take the job in another country. When he first told me he wanted to go alone and didn't think he could stand a three year long distance relationship, that should have been enough to walk away. But, I thought he was scared and not ready so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I really thought he would change his mind because how could he live without me? He was in love with me right? I figured he would realize it before he left, or after he left. Nope. Don't get me wrong, things got complicated and ugly towards the end because I didn't know where we stood. But, after all is said and done, I would have saved my dignity had I just walked away and believed that this must be the road for me and not to fight against the current. Instead, I played the role of desperate girlfriend not able to live without him. Other things he said to me along the way... we're not "there" yet to move to another country together. Really buddy? We're 28, we've been dating for 8 months and practically living together for 6 months. We're not there yet? OKAY. Then I fought with him until he told me whether or not all of this was because I'm not the one and he finally said, if I thought you were the one, things would have been different. Different how I'm not sure. But he wouldn't have not gone, but maybe he would have felt compelled to ask me to go with him because he couldn't live without me. THEN, finally he told me to move on and we are never going to be together again. WOW! How could I seriously think he is saying those things for my benefit? Cause he's not. I almost feel like it was playing house to him all along. He wanted me to move in from like week two. Why he pushed that I have no clue. Maybe it made things easy for him. I was convenient, I was there. Based on the things he did for me, I really believed he was in love with me. He went out of his way, he would buy mayo instead of miracle whip because he knew I hated it, he made me surprise dinner, and always brought me a blanket to bed and a glass of water, he would bring me presents (small things but cute) he ate my food even if i put wayyyyy too much spice in it, we had breakfast every sunday and partied all weekend and drank bloody marys the next morning.... we were perfect... how is that not being in love? The way he looked at me... I really thought that was it. But, someone who loves you doesn't tell you the things he told me. It's like it was never real and it was all just going through the motions of a relationship. It felt real... it was like we were made for eachother and had known eachother forever. It just amazes me and scares me that you can begin building a life with someone and think that they are in love with you as much as you are in love with them, only to tell you that you are further along in the relationship than they are. I don't get it, I never will. But the more I remind myself of the reality, as much as it hurts physically, it keeps me headed on the road to good bye. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 I am very sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling right now. I would give you some food for thought. I think for many women (especially in their mid-20s and up) love = commitment. I do not think it is the same for (many) men. From what you say, I would not be surprised if he did truly - in his mind - love you. But 8 months of dating is not enough time for most men to make a commitment. (I think most need around 2-4 years depending on age and financial situation). Moving you to another country would have been a MAJOR commitment and I think it would be wise to believe him that his commitment was not there yet. On the other hand, I think you were right about being too convenient for him. He may have pushed, but you went along with the 'practically living together' stuff so soon. It probably gave him comfort to have you there so much and that 'playing house' might have made you assume there was more commitment than there really was. But most relationships have a lesson to learn and I know you will be wiser for this one. Link to comment
mtski Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 thank you im feeling more at peace with things every day Link to comment
Mark33 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I really think what hurts the most is having the courage to see things for what they are and quit living in denial. Yes, I don't ever get it also. Why exgf wrote me everyday that I am her biggest love, her soulmate, etc etc, for many years, and now she doesn't even care if my whole family died in car accident... So trusting or believing somebody, who was close to us for many years, means "living in denial"? Link to comment
InkedDragon Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 thank you im feeling more at peace with things every day That's great to hear. Everyone is on their own path and time frame. The best days are yet to come. Link to comment
jwhite Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I am a guy. For me, m oving in after 8 months would be a no no. It's almost like getting married Link to comment
mtski Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 he had me practically moved into his house before that. i get it, its a big commitment to move your girlfriend accross the country, but would you end the relationship? Link to comment
jwhite Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 accross the country is definitely a big move...even more so than moving in if you were nearby Link to comment
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