mesmerized Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Howdy, It's been a long time since I last posted anything here... My thread was one of the longest ones here on this forum thanks to lots of kind people around who wanted to pull me out of that misery. Hats off to them. It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my GF (she broke up with me as a matter of fact) Ever since I've felt so empty inside. No, time hasn't healed me at all... I'm back to square one even though I know she's gone. I keep dreaming about her and I don't let anybody else get close to me. I'm still in China because going back to my country isn't an option right now. My career is going nowhere but that's quite a different story. There are Chinese girls around me who'd like to have something with me but I just feel no connection. I flirt with girls, I do... I make them laugh... and in my mind I keep thinking how wonderful it'd be to make my EX laugh. All of my American friends here f... around a lot (I'm Polish) and they keep telling me that I'm wasting time. I just can't do it. I can't share one bed with a girl to whom I feel no attraction at all. My life has been pointless for such a long time. I can't decide which path I should take. I'm so disappointed with how cold the world is, how selfish people are. I'm so disappointed with myself. With that I have and haven't done. I've been taking meds for some time to get my mind straight but it never really worked. The only time I felt truly happy was when I was dating her. I wish I could be emotionless. I'm tired of suicidal thoughts, I'm tired of letting down others and myself. I'm sick of not achieving my dreams. I'm sorry, it's all chaotic. Somebody told me recently that a Scorpio is the master of chaos. And I know that people suffer a lot more probably in some parts of the world. One way or another, I'd like to turn my mind off. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 hiya darling hope you got my message back mes . I don't blame you for not jumping into bed with just anyone , that isnt the way forward if its not your thing. I had wondered if you had jumped ship and left china and gone to canada or back to pl . so your still there ? is ex still there ? are you still flat sharing with your american teacher friend ? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 I got it... Couldn't get myself to writing something meaningful... No, I'm on my own now. Enough room-mating. The guy turned out to be a bit unreliable. My EX is still around... but I haven't seen here since September. I'm totally lost Star. Check out my thread in the career section. I have realized that if something doesn't change in my life I'll just implode emotionally. I've had chest pains recently and one guy who's into Chinese medicine and meditation said to me: "you're unhappy Adam, you're killing yourself step by step, I can see that" Link to comment
LoveHim Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I am sorry to hear you are going through all this, sometimes we hold on to feelings that we need to let go. Have you tried mediation or something to clear your head? I don't know your back story, but I do hope that you find the clarity you need. I have something I say to myself every time I have a break up...I have posted it here before and I will again..It may help...or it may not Rather than seeing the relationship as "the only one" where we could have received love, or could have known so much about each other, or felt the loving was so darn good and no other will compare, it is vital that we see the relationship in different light. No, they weren't "the one" -- if they were, it would have worked out far better than it did. What the relationship was, in fact, was a learning experience. What did we learn? How can we improve our lives as a result of the experience? What can I take into the next relationship that will be HEALTHY? There are many other people who we can connect with, many others who will love us right, and many who might treat us FAR better than we ever dreamed, and this relationship ending was simply a necessity in order to bring the NEW and exciting one in! Always remember that your destiny is yours to curve how you want it. Set goals and accomplish them. If you are having a hard time make smaller goals that are easier to get to so that you can feel sense of accomplishment more often...then slowly set bigger goals. We all need to start our lives over when we lose the one we love, it's hard to do but you will be a stronger person by doing so. Think positive and find happiness within yourself...it's very attractive to smile, smile more and you will draw people in. Good luck Link to comment
LovelyLezo Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Hey mate, empathise with ya Hope things are getting better. I don't mean to sound corny, but you should check out Justin Bieber's "never say never" film. It really makes you realise that the only thing stopping us from achieving anything is our mindset. Humour me and do it. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 Hey, Thanks for your posts boys and girls Well... I really don't know what to do. It's even hard to write about it. Maybe my mindset is wrong, it always has been probably. I got ill (f... Chinese food... sorry, I'm so angry) and that also affects my way of thinking. Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships. There are women here who'd like to have something with me but I just keep refusing. Their behavior actually repulses me. Justin Bieber? Hmm... I can give it a shot but I can't say I like the guy Lovely, you're expecting a lot from me but, what the hell, I'll give it a go. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 PS. Star, can't send any messages to ya... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 I don't know if there's anybody reading it but... today is one of the toughest days I've ever been through... I feel burnout. All the ideals I used to believe in are gone. I feel so disillusioned. I do need love to live. Without it I'm just dying. There are people like that. I really don't understand why people consider suicide as a negative thing. I wish I could be at peace with the world, myself... my mind. I really wish I could end this. I've been thinking of that option for so many years (7 or 8 now) and during that time nobody and nothing could help me... including psychologists, meds, friends or family. I sure hope they will understand if I decide to leave. People should do what makes them happy, shouldn't they? When I was younger I had this idea that I'd not live longer than 30. I know I'm getting closer and closer and I can feel it. I've been told recently that Scorpios always play with death. That might be true. I've been trying to avoid it for all my adult life but I can feel how close she is to me. I just don't have any more energy to fight it off. I want it to embrace me. I want to leave. So much. Link to comment
talo Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Have you read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle or tried Byron Katie's "The Work"? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 Have you read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle or tried Byron Katie's "The Work"? Hey, no, I have never read that book. Wow, you're from New Zealand. My dream place. Ach... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Is there anybody out there... ? Link to comment
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