i simply cannot get over him

[suzyq1225]

stumbled upon this board quite by accident while i was feeling extremely low. I was with my guy for 11 years. We were not married, nor did we live together. several years before we met, he had gone through an awful divorce and custody battle and told me he swore off marriage forever. I loved him so very much I accepted the way things were for 11 years. We lived together on the weekends, mostly at his place and I was happy. After a couple of years he asked me to manage his office, he is a doctor. I did and it was wonderful because I got to be with him each and every day. We were best friends as well as lovers. you all know there is always one person in your life you can talk to about ANYTHING - well he was that for me and ditto for him.

 

He ran into some health problems along the way and I was the only person in his life that stayed by his side night and day. He has four grown children and not one came to see him even when he was in intensive care. He has one sib, a sister, and even she did not fly in to be with him. My God, the man could have died. I ran back and forth from the hospital to his office, I hired covering docs so that he would not have to worry about his business. I would have done anything for this man.

 

7 months ago on a normal week day in the office we had a little spat. please bear in mind that we really never had fights. we just didn't. all of a sudden he says, "that's it, its over". I was shocked and could not believe what i was hearing. well, he meant it, without warning he left me and he left me completely. I did all the usual dumb stuff, begging, crying, pleading for an explanation. he remained stoic. So I lost him, I lost my job, and i lost my very best friend in the whole world.

 

The weekend before he did this was a fabulous weekend for us, we had so much fun and made love repeatedly and he told me how much he loved me. In fact, on the phone the night before he dumped me he told me he loved me.

 

I had a nervous breakdown, lost 20 lbs. and am in therapy. Its been 7 months and any hope that he would come back is gone. I have lost the love of my life forever. We are not young, like many of you are, I am 56 and he is 58.

 

I recently heard a rumor that he is dating someone new already that he met on the internet. How can he do that? and just wipe out 11 years of history. We adored each other, loved each other and had such wonderful times together.

 

I would appreciate any comments on my situation, as sometimes i feel so terribly alone and scared. I still cry lots and when i look in the mirror i see a very sad look in my eyes that never goes away.

 

Thanks all for putting up with this lengthy post.

 

email removed

[crookster_man]

Suzyq, Though most of us may be younger, the pain felt by losing a loved one can be understood by everyone. Your situatoin sounds very difficult. Confusion, mistrust and doubt are all about you now. It is natural to feel depressed and upset in your situation. The death of a relationship is very similar to the death of a real person. You need time to cope with the new feelings, time to adjust to the change in your life.

 

How it ended is also hard to accept, usually most people never see these things coming. Not because they are blind, but because they chose to ingnore some of the warning signs. Not that I'm saying you missed anything.

 

The greatest healing comes from within, we are here to listen to you. Sharing your pain is the best release. I wish you luck in your quest for peace. There will come a time when you will look back on this with positive thoughts.

[suzyq1225]

Thanks for your response. In a few minutes I will need to leave to drive to my therapist. I see him every week. I am feeling especially bad this week; I think it might be because his Birthday is coming up on ll/4. Last year I maxed out a credit card to give him a great surprise party; guess he won't even remember that this year

 

I actually forget what it feels like to be happy. I live on the verge of tears every day. I have had zero contact with him for about 6 weeks now. It all hurts so very very much.

 

Susan

[suzyq1225]

I am so heartbroken over the loss of my guy and i found this forum by accident. I joined and poured out my whole story and only one person responded. His birthday is coming up and last year I maxed out a credit card and threw him a surprise party. This year I guess its not appropriate to even send him a card. I don't know how I will get through November 4th

[cassiana]

I am sorry to hear you have had such a bad time of it. A break-up is a break-up whenever. I'm very curious as to why none of his children and his sibling didn't visit him when he was in intensive care? I think that would be very insightful.

[suzyq1225]

To answer your question, he has 4 grown children from his marriage. Two sons and two daughters. He has had not contact with either daughter for years now. He has a fairly decent relationship with his younger son but he lives far away. He is trying to work things out with his older son, but they simply are on different wave lengths. Apparently, when they got divorced all of his kids sided with mom and she was responsible for a bit of parent alienation so to speak. His sister lives far away too and felt that as long as I was taking care of him it was not necessary for her to come. If it had been my brother, I would have been on the first plane out. She is kind of weird and in fact when I wrote to her about my sadness over the breakup with her brother, she sent me a rather cold and nasty email saying things like, stop whining about him, he is gone, face it. There are people in his life that think he is a selfish man, its just that until he did this to me I never saw it. My biggest problem now is that I can't get angry at him, I am very angry at the woman he is now dating, but not at him. Only hurt, crying and sad...........

Susan

[hurthurthurt]

Hi Suzy,

I'm very sorry you are feeling so down. It sounds like this break up was unexpected and harsh. It also sounds like you were left without explanation. I am not a psychologist and don't know much about psychology, but it seems that your ex has issues with relationships. He apparently can't maintain relationships with his adult children without trouble or space, and you mentioned that he went through an awful divorce before meeting you and swore off marriage.

Unfortunately, the fact that he swore off marriage in the beginning of your relationship may have been a sign that he did not want a serious long term relationship. It certainly was convenient for him to continue to receive your love, support, and intimacy in a personal relationship--while also taking all of your support, friendship and HARD WORK at the office! I would be angry if I were you, it seems that he did an awful lot of taking for many years.

It also seems that he could be terrified. Perhaps he recognized how much he loves and needs you, but was terrified being so close to someone after his failed relationships in the past, and then decided to cut it loose quickly. (I was in a relationship recently with a guy who pursued me like crazy, I thought it was going to be something wonderful--he was divorced and had problems with his family members, but I ignored those red flags and jumped quickly into a physical and emotionally intimate relationship-- one night, without any warning, he ended it. I never learned why and am sometimes still stunned when I think about it, two months later. I can only see that we were growing closer every day, it was becoming serious, and he got scared and ran away!) Perhaps your ex was too afraid to be so close.

I realize that 11 years was quite a committment and it must be frightening for you, esp. after losing your job to this relationship as well. But you are a fighter, and you dont even recognize it! Instead of wallowing in your sheets eating ice cream and ignoring the world, you recognized that your feelings have been affected so deeply that a therapist could help. Instead of hiding, you put yourself out there, found a therapist, and are trying to work through everything. You, like many of us suffering through a break-up, decided to research teh world wide web, found this site and put yourself out there to work things out in a different forum. Keep the energy up! You can and WILL get through this. it is true that time heals all wounds. I know your wounds are deep, that you lost a friend, co-worker, and lover. But you are out there, working through your feelings, talking to new people-- all of these actions will create new energy for you, and soon you will see that it is exciting to be active, to take control of your future and make it happen FOR you instead of TO you.

I know you are in pain, but it time it will subside. Continue to work things through. Read these forums, you will see that you are not alone-- that many people are experiencing pain caused by loss, grief, and confusion. And read about how many have overcome the pain and moved forward in their lives.

I promise that the anger and pain will subside and you will find yourself again-- you will surface a stronger and smarter woman.

Are your girlfriends around? make plans with them. Keep yourself busy. Are you pursuing hobbies? Keeping up with yoru own family? Throw yourself into the people in yoru lvoe who love you, let them give you some much needed TLC.

Hang in there!

[cassiana]

Don't be angry at the woman he is dating, she is innocent.

My next question relates to you and your reaction to the break-up. How did you take it?

Its just that I noticed that you joined on the 27th of october. You got one reply and even though you didn't thank that person you were quick to point out that you had poured your heart out and nobody else had replied. This suggests that you use guilt as a manipulative mechanism which is absolutely the wrong thing to do to win back an ex, so I hope you are not using that on him. Then you mentioned that his sister told you to stop whining. Why would you write to her at all? Did you want her on your side?

[suzyq1225]

sorry if i came off harsh, just kinda desperate for someone to talk to. intellectually i know the other woman is innocent, but somewhere in my soul its like she stole him away, irrational, but normal according to my doctor. sort of misplaced anger.

 

i wrote to his sister because she and i were friends and she had always told me how grateful she was to me for taking care of her brother when she lived so far away. i guess i was looking for a little kindness and sympathy from her or some phrase that might give me hope that he would one day return. she chose instead to be cold and nasty which shocked me.

 

i have very few people i can talk to. i invested all my time and energy in him and his office for all those years. i learned the hard way that i should have held on to my old friends. i just got all wrapped up in him.

 

thank you all for your interest, good advice and kind words.

 

susan

[cassiana]

Is it possible that your ex made sure to give his sister his version of events first. Also blood is thicker then water. No matter how much he might be to blame, he is her flesh and blood.

As you have probably seen here, your only option is to dust yourself off and start again. Get a new job, make new friends from it and join some clubs. Put yourself out there in the world. A person is far more attractive when thney have many facets to themselves rather than being limpets.

[suzyq1225]

I need someone to talk to me really really bad. thursday is my ex's birthday and for 11 years we spent that day together and always did something very special. Last year I maxed out a credit card and threw him a surprise party. He was sooo happy that night. Now we have NC at all for about 6 weeks. My therapist says i should not even send him a card. I am so sad, miserable and lonely and can't bear the thought of him spending his special day with a new woman. I am trying to get through all of this, but having a really rough time of it.

 

Susan

[boomer1619]

my suggestion is listen to your therapist. He/she knows best based on your recovery that the have observed. Second thought is, on that day of the Birthday, if you really think that it will be nagging at your every thought, then call a close friend right now, moke plans for that day. Even if the plans are for he/she to come over just to listen to you vent, scream yell, whatever, then do that. It would probably be better if you did something outside of the house, but do what is best to get you active and distracted. A close friend will understand, and they will fulfill your request. be honest with the friend and tell them why it is so important that you do something on THAT DAY. The friend might even have creative ideas for the two of you to do that day/night. Tell your friend to surprise you, to make up what you do. A good friend will do that, and probably liek the idea of setting something of festive. hang in there