Do dumpers ever realise their mistake?

[Ated]

And what if they do? Do they just "grow up"? And not do anything about it??

 

I feel that even if they do realise their mistake (whatever it is: hurting the dumpee, cheating or whatver), they would not do antyhing about if to 'save their face'. I mean, i THINK that they might learn from it and treat the next g/f better, but wouldn't t be nicer if they apologised to the person they hurt?

 

I don't know if I'm making sense. But i really think that most relationships fall because of miscommunication. It is sad because (i feel) that if we are outside the square, the third perspective, we can see where it is going wrong. For example, at movies. lol (maybe not the best example huh)... Anyways, at the movies, as an audience you see a couple break up because they failed to communicate about somehting. ANd it drives me crazy because i think that maybe half of the r'ships in the word will not break down if they just be honest!

[aireyc]

Some breakups you can't control, but I agree completely with your post. Sadly, the only people that really care are most of the people on these forums. The others don't try nor realize at all.

 

Chris

[Tinkerbell]

I feel that even if they do realise their mistake (whatever it is: hurting the dumpee, cheating or whatver), they would not do antyhing about if to 'save their face'.

 

It's important to remember that if you really love someone, you will not give a damn about saving your face or coming accross as a moron if you've realised you've made a mistake. You will get down on your knees and BEG if necessary, because love tends to get people to act strangely and lose all sense of dignity.

 

As for the communication aspect, I agree that it appears to be much simpler to know everything that's going wrong in a relationship from the outside, but you can never really know for certain as you are unable to feel exactly what the people in the relationship are feeling. Sure, you can assume things, but well, you know the saying about assumptions I'm sure...

 

And yes, being honest is certainly important, but quite often people don't want to hear the truth, they want the sugar-coated version. I'm not arguing that this is the way to go, but it's clear that this is human nature. For example, your boyfriend gets drunk and has sex with your best friend. Which would you rather hear:

A) I screwed the brains out of your best friend

B) I fooled around with your best friend.

 

Who in their right mind would choose A? Although it's the truth, it would completely shatter a person. I admit, there are times when I too have felt that I'd rather not know than be terribly hurt by the truth.

[melrich]

LoL, well you have made a huge assumption here. One that is very reflective of much of the sentiment we see here from dumpees....that is that the dumper made a mistake. Sure the dumpee thinks it is a mistake but the dumper usually thinks they have made the right decision for them....so no they don't usually realise their "mistake" because usually they have not made a mistake.

 

Most relationships break up because people drift apart, stop communicating and develop different interests. Where there has been a wrong committed (an affair for example) then yes I would think most dumpers will know they have done the wrong thing.

 

Otherwise unfortunately, what is viewed as a "mistake" by one person is usually viewed as "the best decision I ever made" by the other person.

[Ated]

Very true richgabe. Ok, let's narrow it then and be more specific. What if they DID do a MISTAKE. Let's go with your example, an affair. They themselves know they were wrong. So why not apologise? Is it a pride thing??

[Tinkerbell]

Hmm, in the case of the affair, we're assuming that they know what they did was wrong yet they don't feel that much regret? If yes, than it's most probably an issue of pride.

[melrich]

I would think in the case of an affair, most dumpers would know that what they did was wrong. The way most people deal with their wrongdoings is to ignore them, not confront them, pretend they didn't happen. that does not mean in their moments of reflection they will not feel guilt about what they have done, it is just their way of coping with the guilt. Far more goes on inside people's minds than is ever expressed to the outside world.

 

Just because someone does not say sorry does not mean they are not sorry. There are very few people in the qworld that actually get any sense of pleasure or satisfaction out of hurting someone else. It is actually the guilt they feel that makes it so difficult for them to confront their mistrake by saying sorry.

[Ated]

But why not say sorry? Wouldn't that make them feel better as well the person they hurt? I think if they apologised, the dumpee will able to get closure. And as for them, apologising will enable them to 'move on' too, in a way...

[Tinkerbell]

Very true richgabe, very true. People think that by avoiding something it will magically go away, but it often just grows in size. In the example were using, the cheater will probably try to hide from all confrontations from his ex because they will just be a blatant reminder of his stupid behavior.

[me4ta]

I had an ex fiance who cheated on me 5 years ago and never til this day appologized, even though it was clear that we will never be together ever, but just a simple - "I'm sorry that I hurt you" woulda been nice.

 

I think it's like not returning a phone call to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with a person you no longer interested in. Say even if you weren't dating for a while, and this guy for instance is calling and calling asking you out, but you don't like him and don't even want to be friends with him. A lot of girls would opt for not picking up and not returning a phone call. WHY? Well to avoid a scene and uncomfortable questions and just plain uncomfortable situation. What are you gonna do, pick up the phone and say - I'm sorry, but I'm not into you?

 

Well that would be a nice thing to do, honest, but in reality a lot of people opt for a "silent treatment" - hoping that the person will eventually stop calling and get it.

 

Same here.....even if "dumpers" who had affairs or did something bad realize they'd done a mistake and it would be good to at least say they were sorry - most of them, don't want to be yelled at, don't want to hear an ice-cold tone and be lectured and so on. They just opt for leaving it as it is...I think in this case it's not pride, it's more of a fear factor.

[Ated]

Good point. Never thought of it that way.