Lost my true love and don't know how to go on.

[quietone]

I met my ex boyfriend in highschool and we dated for two years when he proposed to me. We were both in college and knew the wedding would be after we finished school. Our love was extraordinary. We knew we were soulmates the first time he drove me home from school, and we shared the kind of intimacy (closeness) that only comes from true love. We spent every moment we could together, and being apart was torture. But it wasn't a clingy relationship. We weren't jealous or paranoid or anything bad. We just loved each other so much. Until I met him, I realized I hadn't had that great of a life after all. Being with him, just made my whole world light up. Yes, we had fights, arguments, disagreements, etc. But we both knew we'd always work it out. We fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I'd had a lot of relationships before I met him, and I've had many since our breakup. None of them ever compared. The reason we broke up was my fault. I had been an ugly duckling (acne, gangliness, bad hair) in high school, and was like that when I met him. He loved me anyways. After highschool, I outgrew my awkwardness and became a beautiful, sexy young woman. I began getting male attention and I loved it. I started to feel smothered in my relationship, and we both decided to take a break for a few months. We both knew deep inside that we'd find our way back to each other. A month after our breakup, I met my now husband. He was very attractive and older than me, so I fell for him. With my ex, I felt connected to him emotionally, but I also was very attracted to him. With my husband, he's very sexy, but our personalities are total opposite. We're like oil and vinegar. My ex was also with someone, so after six months of dating my husband , I married him. I had tried to get back with my ex, but he was angry and hurt that I was living with another man, and he told me he didn't want anything to do with me ever again. My husband and I don't belong together and I was stupid to marry him. But I did it and now we have two little boys. My husband does not love me. He doesn't love our kids. He goes out fishing, hunting every weekend and can't stand to be at home with me and the kids. He's a good man, and he provides well for us financially, but he's not in love with me. Before we had kids, I was very skinny, and he was attracted to that. That's all there ever was to our relationship: sexual attraction. After having two great big bouncing boys, I've gained about 30 pounds. I'm not fat for my size (I'm 6" tall), but I'm not bone thin anymore. I walk three miles every day and exercise when the kids allow. But he's not attracted to me at all and since we feel no love for each other, I may as well get a divorce. I've tried; we've separated five or six times since we got married, and I even got back with my ex one time. The reason we broke up, once again, was my fault. It was really bad this time. I didn't cheat, steal, lie, or anything like that, but I hurt him deeply, and I know he'll never be with me again. I know it's my fault I'm in the situation I am. I just need to know how to stop loving my ex. There's not a minute in any day that he's not on my mind. I feel like I've already lived my life, and now I'm just waiting to get old and die. Nothing but my children make me happy. The best two years of my life were when I was with my ex, and nothing could ever compare to that. My husband and I could make this work, but the fault is mine. I expect him to be like my ex, and when he's not, it makes me sad. I know that our marriage will never work when I compare him to someone else. I just don't know how to stop loving my ex. I feel that if I did that, a part of me would die. Thinking of my ex and the beautiful memories we made together are the only things that get me through the hard times, like the late nights up with my two screaming boys. If I totally blocked my ex from my mind, instead of thinking that he would have been up with me taking care of the kids together, I'd have to be angry because my husband doesn't care enough to help me. He just tells me that if I need help with my children, I should have just kept my legs together. How do I balance my thoughts of my ex, with my responsibilities as a wife. I know there's no going back. I know that I could marry any man in this world, and no matter how nice that man is, he's just not my soulmate. I'm choosing to stay in my marriage, I just need to find out how to be happy without my soulmate in my life ever again.

[toolgirl150]

Wow - I really really feel for you girl. But I'm going to be straight with you. You are very very very unhappy. It is very apparent that your marriage is pretty much a sham. Both for you and your your husband.

 

My first recommendation. Go get some personal counseling. Not marraige counselling (yet if ever) - you have A LOT of issues and unresloved stuff to get through. Your current state of sadness just seems to make your feelings for your ex even more intense.

 

Yes, divorce is hard, it sucks and its a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. How happy are you sticking it out. For what? The children? Children are much smarter than people think. When I divorced my daughters father, I agonized over it for a few years. But I came to the realization I wanted to lead a complete life, not a fake one. Not find myself leading half a life - trying to sneak in happiness here and there. And having my daughter console me during crying jags is not good for my daughter. I realized too I married for the wrong reasons - security and I thought I would be happy with "mr close enough". I was a fool. Things are hard - I won't kid you. Worrying about money, smoothing out emotions with my daughter. But I couldn't bear putting on that fake face for my exhusband or my daughter one more day. Kids see right through that.

 

But that's my own 2 cents. You are very unhappy - start talking to a counselor. Start working through these things. You've made the first positive step by coming here. And going into therapy doens't mean you will automically get a divorce. But it will help you start to sort out the whats, the whys, the what ifs, and maybe even the whens. Don't be afraid of therapy - many people are - it doesn't "change" you - sometimes it just makes you realize things you kind of already know deep down.

 

good luck - and please, keep us posted.

 

Oh , I also recommend a book - its an easy read: "Life's a struggle, but you can win" by Erin Brokovich. She's no shrink, she's just a chick like us that is trying to get through life and just kept "pressing on" and made it.

[ezila]

You can't forget your soulmate, sadly, even if you can't be with them.

 

All you can do, is find happiness in your life as it stands - or MAKE happiness, even if that means leaving your husband and starting over.

 

Once you find happiness in your life without the soulmate, the pain and the memories will fade. It may take a while, but it's the same sort of grief that you experience when a loved one dies - the kind that's acute at first, and slowly, eventually, begins to dissipate.