The silence is just killing me

[maggieMAE]

From a person who used to cling onto me like glue. Sometimes I felt like she'd suck the life out of me. She'd force her way into my space whenever I asked for it, and I just can't believe the quick 180 she pulled.

 

Every time I wanted space from her, it was inexcusable. I'd easily get 100 missed calls a day, back to back, every time we had an argument and I felt we needed a moment of space to cool off. She would also do the same whenever I wanted to go out without her. She also used my lack of unlimited texting to her advantage and she'd send text after text saying "if you don't answer, I'm going to keep texting" because she knew it would literally cost me money. My cell bill easily went over $200 some months because of her. Now her complete silence (and my NC) is just hitting me hard. It's a reality check that she truly has moved on with this other girl.

 

Just a week before she left, she was clinging to me for dear life. Now nothing. Now I'm dead to her and worthless. It's so stupid to hurt for someone who was so manipulative and selfish, because it shouldn't be a surprise they'd be selfish in the end too. But it's sick how we get attached to toxic people and situations.

 

Why is it so hard to move on from abusive relationships? I'm still debating on whether I can call this abuse or not. She was very emotionally and verbally mean at at least, and I started to reciprocate that (sadly) in attempt to defend myself.

[pinkelephant]

My cell bill easily went over $200 some months because of her.

 

Abusive? try psycho girlfriend.

 

You can't see it now, but one day, it'll become a funny "phew, dodged that bullet" story.

[lilylilylily]

I think the rush we get from a passionate relationship, whether its abusive or loving, feels the same... and can leave us with feelings of emptiness afterwards.

[maggieMAE]

Thanks. I feel like I didn't dodge anything since it lasted 3 years and completely changed me from the strong person I was prior. I mean, hopefully I'll realize it would have been way worse in the long run, but right now I guess my logic is flawed. I still miss her every single day and I keep over-analyzing what I did wrong and what I did to bring out her bad behavior. I'm blaming myself and I know it's not right.

 

It's ridiculous, but I keep thinking that I'M sooo screwed up that I even made a clingy person run away to someone else.

[campfires]

From a person who used to cling onto me like glue. Sometimes I felt like she'd suck the life out of me. She'd force her way into my space whenever I asked for it, and I just can't believe the quick 180 she pulled.

 

Every time I wanted space from her, it was inexcusable. I'd easily get 100 missed calls a day, back to back, every time we had an argument and I felt we needed a moment of space to cool off. She would also do the same whenever I wanted to go out without her. She also used my lack of unlimited texting to her advantage and she'd send text after text saying "if you don't answer, I'm going to keep texting" because she knew it would literally cost me money.

 

Have you looked on any BPD sites? She may've had that, which would explain a lot.

[maggieMAE]

I've always suspected that was part of it. Do they tend to suck someone dry then dip out as soon as a new love interest pops up? I can't believe her complete change in character. This all happened when my dog died. IF I would have abandoned her during a very traumatic time, she would have shat a brick.

 

It actually happened before. It's like as soon as I needed a little space, any of life's troubles were life or death with her and I was expected to come back to kiss her wounds. She also played the victim a lot. All of her behavior was excusable in her eyes because I aggravated it out of her. Or I'd get so fed up that I'd snap, and my snapping was worse than what she did prior so what she did was canceled out. If that makes sense.

 

If she has BPD, am I co-dependent for being so attached and putting up with the behavior for so long?

[maggieMAE]

Little Update: Breadcrumbs. She called me twice last night to leave voicemails of songs we used to call ours. I deleted both within 4 seconds of hearing them this morning.

 

I'm sticking to my NC guns, but man did that make me want to puke. In a weird way it also made me realize how far I've come since the BU. I feel like I'm slowly but surely getting my "power" back, cuz before that would have easily made me reach out to her.