Just when I thought I was finally getting over this....

[trishcollins]

I posted this in the breakup forum, but thought it might be of interest here.

 

I went to see my cousellor today (last Thur). Keep in mind, I went to this counsellor regularly for two years before I even met my "ex", and I "graduated" shortly after I met him. I went to see her, ironically, because I can never seem to keep a relationship going.

 

Anyway, she knows all about me, and even met my "ex" in one session. I saw her four times during our relationship, all to see how I could deal with his daughter and the situation. He attended one session with me last Christmas. When I had first met him, she did caution me that he had not grieved for his wife (who passed away shortly before I met him) and would have to at some point, but I could be there for him if I was aware of it.

 

Anyway, I figured I would see her and we would talk about how I am moving forward and getting on with my life -- baby steps and all that. I was really surprised by what she said when I told her about the last few exchanges I had with my "ex" -- the incorpation of his business under the name of my village, the fact that he can't seem to quite close the door, etc. Keep in mind, that I keep telling her that I know it's important that I move on, etc., and I am not crazy and know to accept when somethings over, but my gut is telling me this is not and I am not sure how to proceed. I don't want to move into a new relationship and do to someone else what he did to me.

 

She told me my love for this man was great and it wasn't going away anytime soon. That I wasn't doing this out of desparation, but she could tell that this is pure love. I care about him deeply and want to see him heal -- that that is as important as any reconciliation to you, that he somehow "see" that my love for him overshadows any selfish ulterior motives on my part. She feels that somehow, him knowing that his love for me was a good thing and made me a better person, will perhaps help him get out of his current state of pain. She wants me to use my love for his betterment -- very altruistic, but I do understand what she is saying.

 

She said right now, he can't deal with anyone's pain, especially mine because he caused it. It hurts him to know he hurt me, and he feels that he can't do anything about it. So, he does nothing. And makes no commitment to anything. That he is in fact trying to protect me from him, but keeping me away. That "protecting the people you love" (moreso in men than in women) is core to our value system, and that when you feel you have failed everyone around you, you have to protect them even from yourself -- which is what he appears to be doing with me.

 

What she suggests I do, is let him know that our relationship and his love for me was not a failure, and to emphasis that I only wish him all the best and not to go on and on about how hurt I am and how much I miss him, but just to let him know that what we had was special, even if it is over and not to consider it a failure.

 

I told her I was afraid it would just look like another pathetic attempt to win him back and I don't want to push him further away. She said I need to do this out of love "from the heart", and not out of fear, and I need to really do some soul-searching before doing anything. She told me this has nothing to do with reconciling or a future together, but rather using my love for him to help him heal.

 

I decided I would do it, but I would write it in a letter (snail mail), so he does not have to respond if he doesn't want to. If it in some way helps him move forward with his life, I may never know, but it will help him get past the pain and it may help me get closure.

 

Anyway, I thought it was interesting and thought I would pass it along. Any thoughts on this?

[Leslii]

I think the letter is a great idea. Especially when you need to get something off your chest. Let him know your feelings for him and that you

think he needs time to heal now and that you don't want to pressure him.

That will relieve him if he is feeling a bit over-whelmed and you will be a

much more attractive person in his eyes. Send him the letter and wait to see what happens. Don't wait forever because you don't want to pass up a different opprotunity that looks more to fit what you are looking for.

[trishcollins]

Thanks Leslii. Our situation is a bit different than most. He was out there so soon after losing his wife unexpectedly, that he never thought about the consquences of being in a new relationship. In fact, it was his form of denial, and although we had a great relationship, he really should not have been out there -- he needed to face his grief and deal with it, like we are all doing on this forum.

 

I know he loves me still, but there was just too much resentment by his daughter and he just couldn't keep the peace up. It was tearing him apart. I was, and still am, very empathic to her situation, but none-the-less, my heart is still broken. He feels the guilt of not being there for his kids when they needed him, and now he is trying to dedicate 100% of his time to them. The problem is, as my counseller pointed out, he is still very much in denial about his own grief, especially with so much guilt about breaking up with me and his kids losing their mother. He needs someone to help him start moving forward, and as I expressed to her, my fear is that they have gone back into their own little world of denial and as long as no one is rocking the boat, they are not dealing with anything.

 

The counseller thought I could help him by simply letting him know that our time together was great, and that the breakup was not his fault and that sometimes these things happen and are beyond anyone's control.

 

It's hard for me, as right now I have a lot of anger towards the entire sitation, especailly as since the breakup, my father died and today I am in court for a serious accident. I hit a train last spring and could have died, and now I am being charged with careless driving. (I am sure I will get off -- too long a story to go into, but enough circumstances so that the charges probably won't stick), and so I feel like he has abandoned me when I needed him most.

 

So, to write this letter is going to take a lot of soul-searching and I am going to have to rise above those feelings of hurt and anger and see it as helping someone I love see the light at the end of the tunnel, without making him feel more guilt, or making me look weak and pathetic. A very tough task indeed.

 

Don't worry, I won't wait forever, but I just can't help believe that this is not over yet.