Taking Some Responsibility

[PaperSt1537]

I've been posting here for about six weeks now (mostly in the breakup forum) and it has been very helpful in sorting out a lot of aspects of my failed relationship and I'm infinitely greatful for all the support I've received this far.

 

Since I've moved my attention to the "Healing" forum I've read a lot of posts about how much the ex was this and that and how happy people are that they are away from these people because of how awful the ex was, and so on and so forth. I actually fell into the same sort of negative thinking the other day on this very forum when I listed all the things that were "wrong" with my ex and how better off I am without her. Well, I got that out of my system but I don't really feel much better from it.

 

So I wanted to take a minute for those of us "dumpees" who are coming to the realization of our part in the relationship and why it failed. What we've learned about ourselves, how we may have wrongfully treated the other person and ways we want to improve ourselves with that knowledge. I'm not talking about beating ourselves up or wallowing in self pity. I'm talking about looking within ourselves to find what we can possibly change or improve upon for our future, be it with or without another hour friend/girlfriend/spouse in our lives.

 

Please be honest with yourselves. I truly think it could be very therapeutic.

[allcity]

Thank you! I just posted something similar in this thread. I couldn't agree with you more!

[Nadven]

I learned that I need to sometimes take a look at the bigger picture and realize that sometimes when frustration is directed at me, it isn't necessarily because I did something wrong. Taking a moment to assess external factors and underlying sources of aggravation will go a long way to allowing me to be more receptive of a person to my significant other. In essence, I need to learn to let things roll off my back. I took things too personally a number of times and that made me close up.

 

I also need to learn to just listen and be reassuring sometimes. Often times I tried to offer advice, and that wasn't really what my ex was looking for. She just wanted me to tell her it would be alright.

[Nadven]

Oh, and I need to try and "mind read" more often, instead of just taking what my partner says at face value. Women want men to read between the lines, hehe.

[newlife24]

I learned that I am mean when I drink. I drink to cope with anxiety, stress, and unhappiness. I learned that I need to speak up for myself when something is bothering me. All too often in relationships, I don't say how I feel and nothing gets resolved. I learned that I need someone that believes in God like I do and doesn't feel weird when I express my faith. I need someone that I respect and that respects me. I want someone that always puts my best interests first. I didn't like how close my ex was to a certain girl and I feel he should have dealt with it differently. No one should feel second best in a relationship. Not to another woman, to a video game, to alcohol. Nothing at all.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I took her for granted. So many lost opportunities to stop and say "I love you with all my heart". I made the mistake of believing that she would never leave. Lazy fool that I was.

 

The thing that makes me sick is the thought that had I expressed how much I did love her, more often, she may not have ever considered leaving? I did this to myself. I deserved it. That's my honest feeling.

 

Now I try to forgive myself for loosing such a lovely girl, and another failed relationship. But no success there yet....

[rocko123]

I guess you could say I was the dumpee. I tried to hard, invested too much, and loved too quickly. I did it with the wrong person but dangit if she wasn't close.

 

And now to forgive myself for that and learn what it is about me that has that need to go in to these things so strong. I need to learn to "crawl into love".

[PaperSt1537]

I took her for granted. So many lost opportunities to stop and say "I love you with all my heart". I made the mistake of believing that she would never leave. Lazy fool that I was.

 

The thing that makes me sick is the thought that had I expressed how much I did love her, more often, she may not have ever considered leaving? I did this to myself. I deserved it. That's my honest feeling.

 

Now I try to forgive myself for loosing such a lovely girl, and another failed relationship. But no success there yet....

 

I sincerely feel you on this point. I've gone through this stage many a time post-break-up, especially through this most recent one. Even though my ex always told me that I treated her well ("better than any other man has") I still believe there was always room for more. More affection, more understanding through her troubled times. Less focus on my own difficulties and shortcomings. Not to infer that you've done this, but in my own experience I spent a lot of time chastising myself for my faults without really working hard at all to change them. That's always a recipe for even more failure as the person you are with eventually starts to agree with you and believes they might really be better off without you.

 

Once you start down the path of self-defamation, it can be extremely hard to sway those impressions you make on them back to a positive light. Many times once it's all over it becomes impossible through direct means and if you have any hope of them thinking positively of you, you can in no way resemble that person you were with them again.