Inconsistent behaviour from girlfriend

[Girlindigo]

My girlfriend and I have been dating about six months now and I am experiencing some things that I am not comfortable with and make me question the future.

 

She will sometimes hold hands in private, like watching a film or when we go to sleep, but only in public when we are alone, ie a walk in the woods alone or on the coast alone. We had a get together for friends and their kids and after the lunch did a walk in the woods behind her house. I went to take her hand and she pulled away. It felt hurtful and rejecting at the time. Afterwards, when we talked about it, she said it indicated a sense of possession to her her which she did not like, ie the idea of a person being a possession. This isn't about her wanting our friends to think we are not together because they all know we are seeing each other. It is more about the physical contact being controlled by her. Even my gentle spontaneous gestures of affection elicit a mixed response from her, and I find myself not doing them, or less inclined to do so.

 

I don't think we are attuned to each other. I also notice that she wants me at her house on weekends as soon as possible, even though I explain I have things to do in the morning, like grocery shopping and laundry. She will call me early on the Saturday to go on about when I am arriving. She will call and text a lot about this, when I am usually doing laundry or housework etc. When I arrive she can act indifferent to me. In fact one evening when I stayed over she spent the entire time in the garden and didn't really want to spend time together at all. This happens more than 50% of the time I would say. ie "when are you coming over?" and then an air of indifference.

 

I have tried talking about these things and she talks about needing space etc, or gives the impression that I am needy (which I have never been in past relationships. She will occasionally send me cards which have lovely sentiments expressed in them, and in one wrote about how much she was looking forward to our weekend away, and when the time came she was very subdued and quite inconsistent in her behaviour. The sentiments written n the cards are things I never feel on a day to day basis with her, and never hear from her.

 

What do people think? (This is a same-sex relationship by the way, not that it makes any difference.).

 

Thank you.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though she has some deep-seated attachment issues, and is torn between wanting to have a loving connection and feeling afraid of being overwhelmed by one.

 

The conflicting messages you are getting are a reflection of her own inner conflict. This is her problem, and is not likely to get better unless she acknowledges this for herself - rather than telling you you're needy when you're trying to have open, honest communication, for example. However, if you remain in the relationship, this will become your problem and you will feel permanently baffled and unsure of how to proceed. You may need to rethink whether you should be in this relationship.

 

There's some information here about attachment styles: link removed

 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

[mrb]

has she came out of a relationship not long before you got with her?

 

to me its looks as if its signs of wanting to have a partner, but not sure if they actually do, maybe incase they end up getting hurt or something?

 

i dont like showing affection in public, but little kisses on the cheek or holding hands is nothing

[becomingkate]

I wonder if her parents have made her feel ashamed about being gay? It sounds like she wants to be that person in the cards, but is struggling for some reason.

[CeeLambrini]

I'm not a big fan of hand holding or public displays of affection either to be honest. I've always felt very weird about it although I've never thought about it that deeply, that I was afraid to feel like I was a possession. Anyway, this didn't strike me as odd but then when you said about going to see her, and only really seeing her half the time you're there I think that's a little strange. If you lived together I wouldn't find it odd at all that you'd spend time in different parts of the house but as you're visiting, you're technically her "guest". It sounds like she misses you when you're not there, but then can't wait to be alone once you're together. I sense she may be unsure about being in a relationship with you anymore but that she's still thinking about it. Maybe tell her how you're feeling, and give her even more space. Let her initiate contact with you and be the one to make plans with you. If you go round to see her and she immediately goes elsewhere just tell her goodbye and leave. If she doesn't want to spend time with you why should you make the effort?

[Girlindigo]

Hi,

 

Thank you very much to everyone who has replied. I appreciate your observations and comments.

 

I don't think this is about public displays of affection as an issue unto itself, because sometimes she initiates hand holding an linking arms in public, in places that are far more public that the woods. The issue is her response when I initiate it at times. Other times when we are out in public and in the city she will hold hands or put her arm in mine. This is why I used the word inconsistent in the post title. If someone said to me "Don't touch me in public" I would respect that.

 

As Nutbrownhare indicated, it had crossed my mind the question of attachment issues, although I don't know much about it at all, and it seems quite heavy and deep-rooted. Or maybe yes, there are issues around being gay and feeling shame.

 

The inconsistency thing is really tough, as is the subtle inference that I am needy or need too much. In effect I need more than she can give, which is fine, but yes, a warning sign for the future.