3 years, a rebound, and a death later...

[maggieMAE]

Hello everyone. After posting on other forums, I found this community to be a bit more offering in support and sharing ideas besides the usual "MOVE ON, NC, RAH RAH RAH!!!!" So I have to share my story. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for, but simply just getting it out can help. Bear with me as it's kind of long. I'll keep it as short and sweet as I can. Just a quick sidenote, we are lesbians, in case that changes anything.

 

We were together for 3 years. After the first 2, things started to get pretty rocky. She wasn't giving me what I needed, and I voiced this often. I also pulled away, tried to break it off, and was very resentful that her friends and partying were at the forefront of her priorities. One side of me wanted a bigger commitment and more love, but the other side of me tried to accept that she just likes to party. I stayed away because I'm a student, I'm 25, and I'm kind of out of that stage of my life. I usually only got about 1 day a week of her time, and that was such a big shock after spending 2 years together constantly. But I do admit, I don't know which came first; the on again off again cycle, or her pulling THAT MUCH away. Regardless of our problems, we agreed and shared an intense attraction and love. It was equally as good as it was bad, give or take. I love her with all of my heart, and she was a best friend of mine.

 

I know I can be needy, but I don't place a negative connotation on that. I just enjoy sharing my life with my lover, not meeting up once a week to share what I've found from life. I want to experience it together. And I was very ticked off that my lover could go so long without me. We'd have plans, and she wouldn't show up until 3 or 5 hours later. Or she'd cancel, and I was so fed up with it that I know I got rather *****y because of it. But regardless, I knew she was the one I wanted.

 

ANYWAYS, a month ago my dog died. We were taking space at the time to sort out our heads (really she was just partying) and we decided to go back on that the day before my dog died because she wanted to be there for me. But that actually ended up just being one day, she actually ditched me two days in a row after my dog passed, when I really just needed her and support. Obviously I was pissed, and after the third time of her not coming through for me (and then checking into bars with her friends on FB) I decided I was done. Yes, I reacted out of impulse. But this on and off crap was me trying desperately to show her that I was hurting. I thought this was my last straw, but within a week I was missing her. She swore up and down that she just wanted a break for awhile. A month later, that turned into her entering a new relationship. I found out from friends via facebook, and when I acknowledged it with her and finally sent my goodbye, she snapped. Told me I'm this and that, then a few hours later when she was drunk she started begging for me and said she loved me.

 

I've since went NC. I need to protect myself. No other details are needed, and I've since asked all of my friends to spare me and to also keep any information about me away from her and her friends. It's been about a week since I found out, and I'm dealing with this a little better. But I'm hurt that she can find happiness that fast and I'm left alone. A few days ago she sent one last email about knowing this is for the best, and wishing me luck, saying she loves me, maybe in the future we can be together, bla bla bla. I don't know that I could ever consider taking her back and not risk my self-respect, but deep down I hope she regrets and realizes what she's done to us.

 

Is this a rebound? I didn't want to see a picture, but from the quickest glance that I saw when my friend was trying to show me, I think it's a girl she was talking to a month before our breakup. I had my suspicions, but I let them go because I wanted to she my gf the respect and trust we needed to move toward rebuilding. This summer, I was ready to put our cycles behind us and really work on getting better and out of our rut. I guess maybe the breakup WAS our step toward getting better and out of a rut...separately. But I don't want to accept it. I do really love her, and a part of me wants her back, even though I know it would be worse. So is it a rebound? Is it GIGS? Is it salvageable? Am I just over-analyzing, as is usual.

 

It's insane that in a month's time, soooo much has changed. I'm suffering two big losses right now, so I'm very resentful at her luck.

 

EDIT I wanted to add that she has an intense anger issue. This is also why we were so on and off. She did many malicious things that would trigger my anxiety, but she also agreed and tried to work on these things. She agreed many times that she had a problem. Regardless of all of it, it never killed the attraction or connection.

[mammasita]

Lesbian or not, respect is respect.

 

As hard as it might be to hear (I know first hand), you can do better. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants and even more so, she has not shown you any respect AT ALL.

[SScolo]

Coming from someone who WAS a rebound (me), sounds like this new girl is as well. However, don't let that lead you to believe that she will come back with respect for you. She needs to respect herself before that happens.

 

You deserve MUCH BETTER, and will find it. Someone who makes you a priority.

[maggieMAE]

Thanks. I really gotta work on not being a doormat so I don't repeat these same mistakes in a future relationship. Til then, I'm taking a looong break. It just hurts.

[tosmileagain]

You are right about taking a break. Having a rebound right after a break up usually makes you feel even worse. Wait till you feel better and ready. And how will you feel that way? With time, NC and hardwork. Not LC but NC, not even checking her social profiles - this is for your own sake. And with hardwork I mean focusing on yourself - going to the gym, improving your career, indulging yourself with the things you like etc... The only one you can control is YOU. I know how it feels both missing them like hell but also knowing that they are no good for you anymore. So just remind yourself that is for your own good in the long term, and improve yourself until the one for you comes into your life.

[maggieMAE]

I keep doubting myself and wondering if I'm to blame for the breakup. Is this normal? I know that she had a very bad anger issue, and she also neglected our relationship for a long time, but I'm also placing all of the blame on me. Maybe I was too needy, or I'm just nuts and blew our issues out of proportion. But then again, no. I think it's normal to expect a lover to be there through the death of a pet. And I think it's normal to expect to see them more than once a week, unless the two agree that it isn't practical. No?

Blah. I just hope it's not all me. And if it is, I'm going to fix my issues before entering a new relationship.