Why Contact Your Ex If They Are In A New Relationship?

[anon728]

Please do not take offense to this post. However, I am wondering, why is it that we (dumpees) have the constant desire to contact our ex, even when they are in a new relationship? Why do we think that we can 'get back together?'

 

I won't go into my details here, but for the purpose of this post, my gf of 2.5 years left me four months ago and started dating someone else right away. We had been fighting, etc. We went NC about 3.5 months ago; she emailed for a few weeks then stopped. We've had no contact in six weeks.

 

Anyway, why is it that we (including me) are constantly posting about what we should do next to try and get them back? I have known very few people who have actually gotten back together with their exes. To me, my situation seems obvious...she was unhappy in the relationship (we both were), and when something better for her came along, she went for it. So why would I think she would want me back? Why would anyone think that their ex would want them back when they jump to a new relationship?

[ForAnother]

I don't know why... its just you spend your time with them for so long. The happy times are in your memories and you want to live them again.

 

I was the dumper, and she found someone 2 weeks later. I am still single and plan on doing so for months until I am done with her... I dated her for a year.

 

She wants to remain friends, and I laugh. I don't understand how its possible. I really don't want to talk to her, especially after finding someone so fast. It just makes me realize how much she needs someone in her life to be ok. But you know what, its love that always brings us back. Simply the desire to want someone continious is enough.

 

ForAnother

[herewegoagain]

Anon - It's true that our exes haved moved on so quick and that we should not contact them, but when they move on so quickly, it probably will not last. I truly believe that my ex gf will call someday, but hopefully I will be TOTALLY healed before that happens. I'm not waiting on her at all, but I know she will call someday, whether it is 3 months from now, or a year from now.

[_Ramirez_]

I tough of that a lot in the past.

 

My conclusion was that we, the dumpee, do not take the rejection really well and we are still in love (at least partially) with the dumper. Its a blow to our self-esteem and our self-confidence and they become an object of desire in our mind. The reasonning is that if I'm not good enough for her/him, will I be good for anyone? If I can repair the wrong I've done by going back with the person then will it make me less wrong? If the person dumped us is it because we are so bad that they don't want to live with us are we worth anything?

 

Easiest solution to solve that conscience problem: going back with the ex.

 

On top of that, with time, we forget the reasons why the relationship broke in the first place and we tend to idealize the person we were with. Sometime we have this urge to contact them because we didn't had the time to fall out of love for them. On the other side, they did fall out of love for us and its really easier to find someone else and stop thinking about the person you just dumped when you don't love him/her anymore.

 

So yes you still have feelings for your ex, as most people do, even if you wouldn't want to go back with them. This feeling is over when you get back your sense of self worth and self-esteem. It end up when you fall out of love with your ex seeing the person he/she was and really understanding life as a couple was not possible with them and seeing that it just was not all your fault.

 

Anyway that's the way I see this.

[JohnnyTable]

Once you start to fall in love with somebody else other than your ex, you will then realize why your ex doesn't come back: they simply don't want to.

 

Why do you realize this? Because you don't want them back either! You have new love and you want that instead. It gives good perspective on how the ex felt months before you felt the same way.

[guy40az]

I don't think all situations are like that at all I was the dumpee and she was the one contacting me I was moving on in my life and she was the one that wanted to come back to me. So its not always the dumpee that is doing the contacting when they relize they have made a big mistake they want to go back to what they had but most of the time it is to late.

[anon728]

JohnnyTable, you hit the nail on the head....and I think that is kind of the point of my post. We sit here, asking if we should contact, what does this email mean, or he/she texted me, what does it mean, when in reality, they do not want a relationship with us anymore. If they did, they would not have left us in the first place.

 

You don't see a lot of posts from people saying that they didn't really want to be in the relationship anyway, and that they may have even been holding on themselves until something better came along...I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but i guess I want to tell others that, yes, I felt that way, and even I still miss my ex. And that your brain does a great job of masking those thoughts with thoughts that your life would be better if your ex came back.

[anon728]

Just to clarify my posts...I am only talking in certain situations...mainly my situation, where my ex left me for someone else, and I sit here four months later wondering if she is going to come back, checking my email non-stop, almost just to be able to not respond, when in reality 1) there are no signs that she wants to come back, and 2) I was pretty miserable in the relationshp anyway.

[JohnnyTable]

Anon,

 

I was in the same situation as you until I found somebody else to spark my interest. Now I have no desire for my ex to contact me or come back. I do not want what I once had.

 

If she did try to contact, I would not answer the phone. I would delete a message before listening. I will delete an e-mail before reading. Why? I don't want her messing up what I might have going for me in the future. There is no benefit for me to have any contact with her.

[blushes]

i can relate to you all on this post, in the 6 weeks since i was (dumped) by the guy i thought i was spending the rest of my life with, yes ive emailed him, yes ive wrote to him, and yes ive called him and the first calls he still loved me but was confused, his first ever g/f had tured up out of the blue and he found he still had feelings for her, now in the space of these few weeks i found out that she has a baby only months old (not his for deffinite) and he has married her less than a week ago, changed his number and cut off most of his family cuz they dont approve of her and know some stuff about her that isnt too good, oh yea and his phone number is changed too.

this was a LDR and had been for close to a year, for the last week now ive gave up all contact telling myself that he will be the loser in the end, and yes i still have strong desires to email him ( box is now full, tho not all from me i am sure cuz i didnt send too many) only a few at the start before i knew about the marriage,

I used to think i knew him so well that he would have feelings for me and get in touch one more time, now i feel maybe i just didnt know him as well as i thought

 

life is hard, life is cruel, but for some the hope never fades

[fantasia2004]

i GUESS WE ARE LOOKING FOR A LITTLE BIT OF HOPE.

[cassiana]

I have been dumped by three men in the last year. But theres only one that brings me to this site. It was obvious that the other two werent compatible even though I tried my best. But the other guy, i really thought he was the one. I'm not fanciful I know he connected with me too. I contacted him because I couldn't believe he could throw it away or that I could be so wrong and so unlucky. It isn't an ego thing, i didnt care about the other two but this was a guy I thought I could love for the first and only time in my life. I have dated two guys since, one I dumped. My ex has dated no-one but hes the one that has moved on but not me.