Erratic ex from previous relationship causing problems for the new relationship

[paulocreed]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the dating or relationship thread, however before I begin let me put a little bio of myself.

 

I'm a single father of a currently 4 year old boy from a previous relationship of 2 years. The reason for the break-up is irrelevant but my problem is, since that break-up, I really haven't found/met anyone to pursue a serious relationship with. One of the reasons being dealing with my ex. is difficult. I only see my child bi-weekend (by court order) and any other time it's convenient for my ex. to give him to me. So my schedule can change drastically from any period. The women I have dated since the relationship with my son's mother have always had a hard time coping with this and I seem to have a problem with dating or finding women that are willing to deal with the situation as is. Women that potentially would date me don't because of my ex to sum it up.

 

Does anyone else have a similar problem or any methods as to how the situation was dealt with?

[pl3asehelp]

Why don't you have 50/50 custody and why do you let her dump you kid on you when it's convenient for her?

[iamkaylee]

dealing with my ex. is difficult. I only see my child bi-weekend (by court order) and any other time it's convenient for my ex. to give him to me. So my schedule can change drastically from any period. The women I have dated since the relationship with my son's mother have always had a hard time coping with this and I seem to have a problem with dating or finding women that are willing to deal with the situation as is.

 

If you find dealing with your ex difficult, no one you're dating now is going to want to have to deal with that drama or chaos. Divorced people, single parents have to expect problems will arise with kids and be adaptable to it. That's a given in my book. Canceling an occassional date at last minute for an emergency is one thing, canceling or bringing along kids last minute on a regular basis is another.

 

Stop living your life by your ex'es convenience.

[ChellyV]

early on the relationship you must explain in clear precision to your potential date of your situation. if that is workable then they should be accepting, otherwise you will have to understand that time is also of value to single people out there looking for love.

 

i would say have a talk with your ex, as this is not only a big inconvenience, it is also put your life on hold. would you want that?

[paulocreed]

Why don't you have 50/50 custody and why do you let her dump you kid on you when it's convenient for her?

 

I do have 50/50 custody but my son resides with her. It's a complicated situation. He is now in school full time mon-fri. But my weekends although set, can change from time to time. I let her dump the kid on me because I don't see him often so I take him when I can get him and take advantage of the situation that in hopes it will help me down the road. She also is very difficult to deal with and the type of person that cannot be reasoned with. It's either her way or the highway pretty much.

 

She's very conniving in that she will be nice to me when she wants something, but any other time will treat me as if I'm a dead beat dad and I'm quite the opposite.

 

@iamkaylee If I stop living my life by my ex's convenience then I see my son less and I don't want that. I want to be in his life as much as possible and given the situation that I'm in, I'll take what I can get. Companionship I guess is a sacrifice I'll have to make for it.

[paulocreed]

early on the relationship you must explain in clear precision to your potential date of your situation. if that is workable then they should be accepting, otherwise you will have to understand that time is also of value to single people out there looking for love.

 

i would say have a talk with your ex, as this is not only a big inconvenience, it is also put your life on hold. would you want that?

 

Talking to my ex is like talking to a monkey. You never know how she will react and I can't even have a civil conversation with her no matter how I approach her. If I'm demanding with her she just gets spiteful. I don't want to put my life on hold and for the record, when I don't have my son I have many things going towards personal growth. But companionship is the one thing I'm missing in my life. Most of my close friends are now either married or getting married or in a serious relationship so I feel like I'm pretty much the cast out.

[FrenchFries]

It sounds to me like dating needs to take a backseat for now, since you aren't willing to put your foot down, so to speak, with your ex. She's calling the shots and you say in order for you to see your son more often you are willing to deal with it. Because of the court order she can't completely deny you access to him and you want to see him more, which is understandable, but it's all on her terms, so what other option do you have? You will just continue to repeat the same cycle with your relationships not lasting.

 

Maybe you could try to get more court ordered access to your son so you will have other dates/times with him that are not determined by her?

[paulocreed]

It sounds to me like dating needs to take a backseat for now, since you aren't willing to put your foot down, so to speak, with your ex. She's calling the shots and you say in order for you to see your son more often you are willing to deal with it. Because of the court order she can't completely deny you access to him and you want to see him more, which is understandable, but it's all on her terms, so what other option do you have? You will just continue to repeat the same cycle with your relationships not lasting.

 

Maybe you could try to get more court ordered access to your son so you will have other dates/times with him that are not determined by her?

 

You make a very valid point. I feel now that my son is in school for the most part my schedule is pretty stable.

 

I am looking into getting more court ordered access. On top of that I'm looking to try to get full custody which I know is quite difficult. And that would take quite some lengthy time to get into/explain.

 

Thanks all for your opinions.

[iamkaylee]

@iamkaylee If I stop living my life by my ex's convenience then I see my son less and I don't want that. I want to be in his life as much as possible and given the situation that I'm in, I'll take what I can get. Companionship I guess is a sacrifice I'll have to make for it.

 

I can certainly understand that. My kids are my number one priority. Given what else you've posted about the situation, I would put companionship on hold for awhile and try to get more court ordered time. You shouldn't have to juggle your life around like that at the whims of of an EX. She's using your son as a pawn to manipulate and control you. That sucks and isn't fair to you or your son.

 

A good Dad is NEVER a cast out. ;-) Don't let stuff going on with your friends make you feel that way. It's sure not true.

[pl3asehelp]

Well, it sounds like she's just been pushing you around because you let her get away with it. If you have 50/50 custody and are seeing your kid even more than that because she dumps him on you when she's supposed to be caring for him, that's your choice - you don't have to do it. That's just providing free babysitting for her. I'd let her know it's not her way or the highway. It's what the court decided or you take her back to court.

 

When you say you don't see your kid often, is she somehow preventing you from getting your legal 50% share?

[paulocreed]

Well, it sounds like she's just been pushing you around because you let her get away with it. If you have 50/50 custody and are seeing your kid even more than that because she dumps him on you when she's supposed to be caring for him, that's your choice - you don't have to do it. That's just providing free babysitting for her. I'd let her know it's not her way or the highway. It's what the court decided or you take her back to court.

 

When you say you don't see your kid often, is she somehow preventing you from getting your legal 50% share?

 

 

I'm seeing him what I'm allowed by the court order. But I only get him every other weekend. (essentially 2 weekends a month)

[Why1234]

I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. I have a similar situation where my ex is basically a dr. Jekyll mr Hyde thing going on. The thing you have to remember is that these type of people love conflict and by manipulating you it may seem as if you are losing your mind. Stay strong. First thing I had to do was to lower my expectations of her actions. I have always felt people all try to do good, but with some its about winning at any expense, which in this case is your sanity and your relationship with your son. It's hard to believe but time will settle everything, but stand up for yourself and always do what is right for your son, not always the same thing for you.

 

I'm convinced my ex won't get it either, she is entitled and surrounds herself with people that help enable her with the drama. I'm thankful everyday that I don't have to deal with it daily or worse yet wake up with her. My kids are strong and they are learning from all of this and one day we can look back and known we did the right thing!

 

Never abandon or give up on your son- you are a proud, responsible and honorable dad. I wish all the guys that impregnated women would be so fair.

[paulocreed]

I can certainly understand that. My kids are my number one priority. Given what else you've posted about the situation, I would put companionship on hold for awhile and try to get more court ordered time. You shouldn't have to juggle your life around like that at the whims of of an EX. She's using your son as a pawn to manipulate and control you. That sucks and isn't fair to you or your son.

 

A good Dad is NEVER a cast out. ;-) Don't let stuff going on with your friends make you feel that way. It's sure not true.

 

Just as my son is my number one priority. No it isn't fair to me or my son, but when my son is older I believe that all this will come back to bite her in the ass. The thing that I have trouble dealing with is loneliness every once in awhile. We basically broke up not too long after my son was born so we haven't been together for 4 years.

What I mean by cast out is that my friends are always busy either with their lives or significant others and when I actually do have time to myself and would like to spend with them, they're not usually around.

[paulocreed]

My situation is exactly that.

Thanks!