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Trailing behind

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Apologies as im not entirely sure how i will structure this so it may be a bit random.

Does anyone feel that they have been left behind? Im 24, soon to be 25, and yet i still feel 18. It doesn't help that physically i still look young. No matter what i eat i can never put on weight. I always carry this inferiority complex when socialising with people my age. I know a few people who are only late teens and i am even beginning to feel younger than them. Despite this i am a bit of an old soul which means that i cannot really fit into either age group. I quickly lose patience with the teenagers and yet am in completely over my head with people my own age.


Unfortunately this has shattered my confidence. I suppose im a bit of a loner. At first it was by choice as one day i realised i was fed up with my old group of friends and started seeing them less and less. The whole nightclub scene quickly grew dull for me and i had pretty much stopped all that by 20. I always wanted to experience new things such as theatre or art gallerys. There is a good chance i would have hated it but i would have liked to have the opportunity to experienced it with my friends. The problem became apparent on my 20th Birthday when we were planning what we were going to do. I suggested a weekend in France (i'm in the UK). Despite the fact that you would have thought i might have had some say what i would do on my own B'day the suggestion was laughed at and it quickly beacme apparent that the favoured choice was a strip club. Personnally i cant think of anything id be less comfortable with than this. And so i refused and in the end we didn't do anything.


That was pretty much it socially for the last four years. On the odd occasion i have been out for work events i feel so out of place. Every one else seems to be enjoying themselves and i just cant see what the fuss is about. Despite this im the one who is seen as odd because this is what people do. A quiet night in with a few friends with a movie would be fine for me but it seems im in the majority.


In the past year i decided that it was time to try and move life up a gear. I passed my driving test and got a car, as well as getting my first full time job. After higher education for 4 years it has been a bit of a blow been forced to accept a £11000 a year job. Words cannot describe my hatred for this. Im the lowest of the low and i damn well feel like it. Next week i have been informed that i have to travel all the way down to London simply to help photocopy some documents. Apparently no one in London is qualified to operate a photocopier! I finally have some worth. Unfortunately this means i have to go by train. During my sheltered existence i have used the train once. So i am now panicking about getting on the wrong train and ending up the wrong end of the country. Funny thing is i always wanted to travel but if i cant cope with UK travel the chances of coping elsewhere in the world are non-existent.

And so the feeling of helplessness grabs me once again. I see people my age with their own houses/flats, with their large group of friends and there excitement for the weekend and wonder where it all went wrong.


Its not that im completely anti social. If a conversation is going on and i feel i have something to add i will. Granted not with a lot of confidence but it still counts. The only problem is is that i am no good talking about things i have no interest in. Someone coming and telling me about the traffic on the way to work raises a false smile from me and no more. Does anyone feel comfortable walking past someone you work with and having to say hi even though they have been sitting next to you for the last five hours. I suppose that sounds self centered but it is just that i only feel the need to speak when theres something worth talking about.


Despite all this i dont suffer from depression or entertain any serious thoughts of doing myslef in. In fact sometimes i even feel happy for reasons i cant fathom. It is just that i wouldnt mind if i was forced to go elsewhere and start again. As long as i didnt have to take the train lol.

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I don't know if I've been left behind but I certainly feel like I don't belong at times. The people my age still seem so immature yet I don't have the experiences or knowledge in certain areas to really fit in with older people. I too have an old soul that does not let me fit in with young people. I also am a bit of a loner, not inteerested in the things most people my age are interested in. Going to the theater sounds a million times more interesting than going to a night club or strip club. But this doesn't seem to be the "in" or "hip" thing to do. Even when I am in some social setting I always feel out of place, like I have nothing to say or contribute because I have no interest in the things they are talking about. But start a conversation about something I enjoy and I'll contribute as much as I can.


Hang in there, things will get better. You'll end up with a great job that you love and pays well, it just takes time to work yourself up the ladder. As far as friends, they'll come eventually as well. There are other people who feel like you do, hopefully you'll find one of them soon. If not, have patience, it will happen. Go to the theatre or an art show by yourself. Maybe you'll meet someone there. Oh, and don't worry about taking the train. Make sure to pay attention to any signs and you'll have no problem.

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