Contemplating Separation or Divorce.

[mrsyari]

I am fairly new to this site and desperately seeking advice.

 

Here's the summary; I have been married for almost 5 years and together for 6 with my husband. I am unhappy and he has asked me so on many occasions but I just lie and pretend everything is fine. I can't do it anymore. First off I was 19 when we got married, we still live with his mom, I have wanted to go back to school and start driving on numerous occassions to which he always tells me it's a waste of time, we fight on and off meaning one week we are fine the next we fight constantly he says it's because he's unemployed which he has been before for 2 years when I was pregnant with our now 3 year old. We are so opposite right down to the way we want to raise our child. I always try to compromise and during our fights I just give in and deal with his crap and although he's changed. I feel like he's still stuck in party bachelor mode, going clubbing staying out til 3 am every weekend 1-2 nights of the weekend. I feel like I have to be the responsible one and grow up especially after we had our daughter. I told him yesterday I wanted him to change and he said that he didn't know how much more he could change and that he has changed a lot already. He never wants to go out and do fun stuff with our daughter. Preferring his friends over both of us. He has a temper and went as far as pushing me onto our bed in a heated argument. He apologized and I told him if he ever put his hands on me again I would leave no hesitation. Our sex life is crap I don't feel like I use to and it's nowhere near as passionate as it was when we first met. But mostly what's bothering me is my life is not where I want it to be I wanna better myself get a career and he thinks that's petty unimportant stuff. And yeah maybe I am a little bit peeved that he has been unemployed for 9 months but I don't want him to feel its because of that cause there's so many more issues and it isn't his fault he got lAid off again. I don't know if counseling would work or if he would be open to it he is extremely stubborn. Please help any advice can't hurt.

 

Thank you for reading.

[craigslist]

Hi there, thank you for your courage in reaching out. I was also married and went through the divorce phase, but unlike your situation I did not have kids, which I think makes it totally different, so all I can offer is advice in my view.

 

There are three questions you need to answer for yourself, (1) how important is your sense of achievement for yourself, (2) what is the best possible life you want to offer your daughter, (3) how willing are you to make the relationship with your husband work. This should enable you to gain a true relevant perspective of your life and where you want to go.

 

It is my personal opinion that your husband is really frustrated, and I would take a wild guess that he actually wants what you do but feels like life is pounding on him, so it might be best to not pressure him, but on the other hand that might be just what he needs to burst out of his little bubble.

 

Perhaps ask him if he is willing to make a plan with you on how you guys can together change your circumstances for the better? Teamwork sometimes has a much better result and motivates better than just inner desire, thus if he feels that you are not judging him or expecting him to change, but instead has your support in this relationship, and could lead to him understanding that you need his support his perspective might change, and he might realise that by partying with friends and feeling good there is nothing compared to feeling good in life and at home.

 

I hope the best for you, I can sense your own frustration but I also sense a strong spirit in you. Strongs

[Lester]

Hi Yari, I think it would be hard to find anyone who would want to live like this! Dreams of a better life are normal and healthy.

 

Unfortunately, being in a marriage to a mama’s boy doesn’t give you an automatic pass to divorce.

 

Would you stay with him if he changed? If yes, you must force the change.

[RedDress]

Honestly? No offense, but I think you married too young. At 25, I think it's kind of normal to want to go out with your friends and not be tied down. I also think it's normal to still be "finding" yourself a bit.

 

I have to ask... this really jumped out at me:

I have wanted to go back to school and start driving on numerous occassions to which he always tells me it's a waste of time

...

But mostly what's bothering me is my life is not where I want it to be I wanna better myself get a career and he thinks that's petty unimportant stuff.

 

So - why does it matter what he thinks? I mean... I know you are married but you are still individuals too. If you want to take driving lessons, why don't you take driving lessons? If you want to go back to school (especially when he seems to get laid off a lot - whether that's due to his industry or whatever) - why don't you go back to school?

 

To a certain extent, you have to rely on each other. But... to another, you are also responsible for your own life and happiness.

[mrsyari]

Thank you for replying. Well to begin with my sense of achievement is extremely important and that ties into wanting a better future for my daughter I want to give her a home. I want to do everything that I missed out on. And at the same time something I missed out on as a child was having my parents together they separated when I was very young and it was painful because I was exposed I a lot of things even though my parents had been separated for years. I want to work things out but the reality is it wouldn't be for me. I would want to work things out so my daughter could see us together but I don't know that it would make me happy. And the reason I am contemplating leaving is because my dad has offered to take us in and help me get thru school between him and my stepmom which they have been together for quite some time now but even they struggled in the beginning. I don't want to make him feel like I'm judging him or make him feel bad due to his unemployment but I don't think I can keep going and if I prolong it or wait until he gets a job and see if things get better it would hurt more I think.

[mrsyari]

I think my dreams aren't unreasonable and achievable if he supported me but he doesn't. And I offered him to return to school but he says school isn't his thing. Like hes perfectly content staying in the living room of his moms house and I love his mom and I am not against living with her but I do need my space at times and he doesn't seem to mind it. Mind you we have been living like this for almost 5 years. And yes I would stay with him if he changed but I talked to him last night and he said he can't change anymore than he already has. Years ago I asked him what he felt about moving away from his mom and he said if a woman cornered him to leaving his moms side he would rather break up.

[mrsyari]

RedDress

 

No offense taken I totally agree but at the time it seemed ok. I can't say I was 100% sure of what I was doing. And yeah I do believe I am finding myself I like to believe I grow older and wiser everyday but that comes with time which brings me to my issue. It seems like I have been waiting for him to grow up when I already surpassed the stage he is at. Funny thing is he is 28 I am 23 so I'm tired of waiting for him to get his big boy pants and stop using his mom as a crutch.

[mrsyari]

As for driving I am currently working on it regardless of his opposition once again with help from my dad and he lives 2 hours away. Now school is where I feel like I hit a brick wall because I want to go into nursing and that takes a lot of sacrifice that I don't think our relationship will make it thru and if I feel like that I would much rather do it with my dad who I know will be there and support me 100%.

[mrsyari]

Also thank you to all of you for replying and I'm so sorry for the essays please bear with me I greatly appreciate your input and have given me more to think about. Sincerely thank you

[Lester]

Just a footnote...

 

Yari, There's not a man alive who has not said, "I can't change anymore..." All men think it and sometimes say it. Mama's boy's live it!

 

I used to say it, but when I finally realized my wife doesn't care anymore and is leaving I CHANGED! Husbands/men in general can get stuck in a rut. Your job is to force him out. Your first steps are self-improvement.

 

You get your DL, school or whatever and stop worrying about him. Ignore his whining and do not be afraid.

[mrsyari]

Thank you. I realize that I shouldn't just throw in the towel. I think we have a lot to work on and I think I will start with myself first. This is exactly what I was looking for when I came to this site and I come away feeling much better.

It's nice to get a different perspective

 

Thanks again