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Married but In Love Online

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Okay... long story but here goes. I have been married for 8 years. 8 very long unhappy years. I know this is not an excuse to stay married and I don't intend for it to be one, I am just explaining the situation. I lost a boyfriend to a heart attack a year before I was married and it was a man I was desparately in love with. After many years of trying to figure out myself... I realized a few things about myself. My huband is the complete opposite of the man I loved. My husband is emotionally abusive, always has been and I even lost a few friends that warned me not to get married to him. But I think after the loss of my boyfriend I was looking for someone that would not "die" on me. Someone that would be there for me and provide a stable atmosphere and my husband came from a large Italian family that were wonderful. I think I overlooked his personality traits and anger thinking that I wanted to be married... I was in love with being in love, not really the man. I wanted the family. After a few years being married we got pregnant and had a baby boy. I thought this might make things better. Being as I was only 20 when we got married, I was too young to figure out that this is definitely not a cure to a failing marriage. But I love my son to death. He is my world.


My husband spend many years working self-employed, choosing to spend every minute away from home, even though his business was failing. We became further in debt and were spending even less time together. Not that time together was any wonderful event as all we would do is argue. My husband constantly lies about everything... whether it's money, what he does with his time... anything and it's such silly stupid things to lie about. I think he really just doesn't know how to tell the truth. In the time he was gone so much, I turned to the computer for company. I spent many hours playing card game and listening to music... meeting friends. I have made some very close friends in the time I have been online.


Last year my husband got a full time job... and finally quit his self-employed work. This has helped our financial position a little... we are slowly climbing out of debt. He is still not around very much as he does a lot of side jobs that take him away from home. Many times I feel as though I'm a single mother. But my son loves his father.


Six months ago, I met a friend online while playing cards. He is an amazing man that shares every thought process I have. He is also married. He has told me that he married his wife mostly cause they were friends and he felt sorry for her... saw nothing better really and wanted the family, the life... and then got married. He says that he has some love for her as a friend and because she's been around for so long, but is not in love with her. He says he regrets marrying her as he did so for the wrong reasons. They share NO passion and only have sex maybe once a month... if he is lucky.


Anyhow we became best friends and started to discover we had a lot more in common. I had been browsing a little bit of BDSM sites. I was curious about the whole "lifestyle" and I know that to anyone that does not understand it... it seems weird and unnatural and I can accept that. But there is something about it that touches your soul and connects you like nothing else. This man also was very interested in the same things. We discussed this, and hobbies, and dreams and were pleased to discover that we shared all the same feelings. There is a passion between us that I can't even describe. Something I have never in my whole life felt. We fell in love. This man is truly who I believe my soulmate is. We spend many hours online or on the phone with each other daily. And yes, we have been very intimate online and on the phone. And any time I have ever been with him... I can't even describe it. It's like the earth is moving. He's brought me such joy, tears.. it's incredible.


Anyhow, we both knew we wanted to discover if what we felt was true and real as we understand how things can be coloured online. We wanted to make sure, although, not really having any doubt, as to our feelings in person. We arranged a meeting. Now, he lives 3000 miles from me and in a different country. He's in the States and I'm in Canada. Now comes the tricky part... like all this hasn't been already. She became pregnant. And she has NEVER wanted kids before. But now that she is, she has decided that she now wants to stay home when the child is born. She also is losing her job come January and to his dismay does not want to look for another job. This obviously puts our trip on hold as he now cannot finance it. Not with all this happening.


Our plan was to meet... to see if what we felt was real. I know I am not happy in my situation with my husband. In fact, he's even gone so far as to tell me if I was ever to have cybersex or phone sex he wouldn't even consider it cheating (although I think if he caught me doing either, his story would change). But we planned on meeting.. to find out and if we felt the same thing in person, we wouldn't hesitate coming back and starting divorce proceedings with our spouses and find a way to be together.


With his wife being pregnant... things have changed a little. He says that it's not the best thing to stay in a marriage for a child. Although that is exactally what I am doing right now. We love each other so much and really feel as though we have found our soulmates. I guess we don't really want to risk endangering our children (child to be) without finding out if it's real. I know most will say.. you are better to be single than unhappy. BUT in reality... many will settle for comfortable and not rocking the boat for their childrens sake. I guess what we want to find out... is if in person, we really are this perfect for each other, and if so... what price do you put on being happy for the rest of your life? Of finding your soulmate? Allowing your children to florish by a happy union and not just be affected by parents that are not in love? We do still want to meet... we just are unsure now, how long we will have to wait.


I don't really know what kind of advice I am looking for. I am sure that I've openned myself up to a lot of attack. I know what I'm doing is not right. I just feel as though I can't just throw away my chance at happiness... with someone I feel is the man of my dreams... The man I can grow old with, someone that share the same passions, sex drive, same desires, wants, dreams, humour. Everything. I am a bit confused... and I know even though this is long, I'm still missing details to my story that would help people understand what is happening.


I guess I'm hoping to hear from anyone who has been in similar situations and what they have done about it. How it might have turned out. I don't know. I'd like to thank anyone for taking the time to read this and please try not to be TOO harsh with me?


Thank you



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Please don't kid yourself with "not rock the boat for children's sake."


I hear people sayiing they stay in their unhappy marriage for their children all the time, when in reality there is nothing good an unhappy marriage can provide children.


Children that grow up in unhappy marriages often learn to distrust their opposite sex, have fear for commmitment, fear for marriage, or just turn the other way and become desperate for a marriage, but only to find a marriage that closely resemble that of their parents'.


Unhappy marriages aren't good for anybody. They are definitely awful for children's mental stability and emotional stability. It is better to say you are divorcing for the sake of your children, but never say you're staying in an unhappy marriage for your children.


Unhappy marriage is always worse than divorcing.


In your situation, I'd suggest talking with your child and telling him about the situation so he can understand that his mother is very unhappy so will probably divorce his father. Ask him about his opinions and what he thinks. You might be surprised to find that he actually wants the two of you to get divorced.


My parents stayed in their marriage for 26 years "for the sake of their children." What they didn't know is since I was 7, my brother 5, we have always wanted the two of them to divorce each other. We even chose the person we will follow all of these years, and talked about what the two of us will do. We hoped and hoped that the two of them will just break it off for each other, and for us, but they never did.


Ever since I got a boyfriend I always feared that our relationship will lead to us being unhappy. When he asked if I want to marry him I gave him a long speech about how marriages never work out for anyone.


I think, it really is best for both of you to get a divorce, and see if you can get together and persue another happier life together.


I have to ask you to not cheat on your husband though. Even though your husband may not love you, I doubt he'll want to be betrayed. To the side who's commiting the immoral act they are just following their feelings, to the side that's being cheated on it is betrayal in it's worst form.

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Anyhow we became best friends and started to discover we had a lot more in common. I had been browsing a little bit of BDSM sites. I was curious about the whole "lifestyle" and I know that to anyone that does not understand it... it seems weird and unnatural and I can accept that. But there is something about it that touches your soul and connects you like nothing else.


I am choosing to address this portion of your post since I have been in the lifestyle for 6+ years, so my comments to you will be coming from that perspective.


If you have been exploring the lifestyle, then you have no doubt heard references to SSC (Safe, Sane & Consentual). Depending on how deeply you've delved into BDSM, I'm guessing you've also heard a lot about honesty and open communication.


From my involvement with several r/t BDSM support/discussion/social groups, I can tell you the scene contains plenty of folks like you and your friend. Married, unhappy to some degree, and with an interest in the lifestyle that their current spouse generally does not share.


After seeing many of these situations play out with differering degrees of heartache, here is what I would suggest to you:


First off, you need to decide, FOR YOURSELF, if your interest in BDSM is genuinely from the heart or if it was in any way, shape, or form influenced by your friend's interest. If it is something your soul desires for its own sake, then it is something you do need to explore. There is, however, a way to go about it that will cause a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain, and a way to go about it that will allow you to have a clean conscience.


If your marriage is past the point of being fixed, then you seriously need to consider getting a divorce. NOT so you can be with your friend -- but so you can free to figure out who you are and what you want. When I started my own exploration into BDSM, I was single, and that left me with many, many options for exploration...to figure out what (and who), exactly, I was seeking. When I have witnessed people in a similar situation to yours try to explore, their options were limited (by time, by family obligations, by having to hide things from their spouse, by singles that absolutely would not become involved with someone married, etc.), and invariably they would wind up hurting themselves and others.


I understand completely how intense the Dominant/submissive relationship can be. I also understand what it is like once those desires have been labeled and unleashed. I wasn't able to put a definition to my own yearnings until I was in my early 30's, but once I figured it out and then found other people who had the same proclivities.....whoopee!!!


It was difficult enough for me to walk the path into the lifestyle being single and free to do so. To go into it the way you are would be like walking along that same path carrying a few jam-packed suitcases and wearing your best fetishy, thigh-high, high-heeled boots. Why make things more difficult for yourself? If your friend is truly your soul-mate, then he will still be there while you sort yourself out....and he will also be making that same effort for you.


Your interest in BDSM aside, you still need to give some serious thought as to why you are staying in a marriage you freely admit is unhappy. I tend to agree with the above poster that staying together "for the children" isn't quite the great reason people seem to think it is. My parents were clearly unhappily married and I used to wish they'd get divorced. They did not model a good relationship for me as a child, and they certainly did not model happy, healthy adulthood either. Those were all things I had to learn - the hard way - on my own and through my own mistakes.


best of luck to you.

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