Back on my feet... or am I?

[Viper55666]

Its been a long time since I posted on here. This forum helped me though an emotionally crippling divorce a few years ago. Finally I feel like I'm me again! I'm no longer pining for my ex... finally! I'm no longer angry or depressed and I have my thirst for life back. I've spent a long time finding out who I am without her, doing the things I want to do and getting to a stage where I can start to trust again.

 

I've been hitting the dating scene over the last couple of years, I've met some great people, I've had fun and I feel rejuvenated. I'm not really the type for casual relationships but given my past I felt that was what I needed or more to the point I felt that that was all I could really handle.

 

I'm now in a position to go and get what I really want, a lover, a companion, a friend, a partner... I'm ready for a proper relationship again. My problem is that every time I meet a woman I'm looking for something that I just can't seem to find... that spark, that feeling in the pit of my stomach that this person is someone I really want to be with as stupid and cliched as it sounds... the butterflies!

 

With my ex, from the moment I first met her I knew she was the one, I remember exactly how it felt, the nerves, the excitement, the lust and the passion! I was only 17 when I met her, she was my first and only true love so I don't know if the feeling I'm chasing was just puppy love. I don't know whether subconsciously I'm talking myself out of being with someone because of my past or whether I just haven't met the right person.

 

Basically I want to know if what I'm chasing was just puppy love? Does it take time in some relationships to feel that spark? Am I still emotionally stunted and not giving them or myself a chance? Or have I just not met the right person yet?

 

 

Thoughts?

[Staples 29]

I think you’ll know more than others about what you need to feel particularly because you have experienced it.

 

I have only been with two men in my life. The first one was when I was 19; he liked me for a very long time and then I agreed to go on a date with him and we just fell into a relationship. The problem with me is I tend to forget feelings once there’s a slight change but I don’t think I ever got butterflies in my stomach. We were together for 4.5 years and I can say I loved him but maybe there was NO passion.

 

With the second guy, it was very intense but I still never had butterflies. With both of them I had the excitement and would smile randomly at thoughts. I wasn’t with the second guy long but I cared about him a great deal, still do even though he hurt me.

 

I’d like to meet someone who gives me butterflies but I don’t think you should knock it out if that doesn’t happen immediately. These things can grow; if you give it a chance. I do understand being fixated with the notion of meeting someone and knowing that you want to be with them. You’ll figure it out I’m sure

[mhowe]

The butterflies, as you praise it -- is from physical attraction and chemistry -- but by no means a basis for a relationship.

 

I recently heard one of the best phrases of a couple in a long standing relationship, when asked how they met:

 

They said --- the fire of friendship ignited.

 

It is better, and more realistic, to build a relationship than to seek the illusive butterfly.

 

That being said, I still get butterflies before every date w/ my bf of 3 yrs. But -- I was also his friend for 6 yrs. before we began our relationship.

[Johnny Utah]

What you have described OP, is a small fear of mine. I've always looked for something that sparks from a look, a touch, something. I feel friendship is important too, but the passion and excitement of somebody else isn't puppy love. It isn't lust. I don't know what it is other than the drugs running through your system.

[Viper55666]

I agree with what has been said... I know its not the be all, end all of a relationship but I've always felt like there is something missing. Not passion, attraction or chemistry but something more primal, something I can't quite put my finger on but I know it should be there. Thats why I was wondering if that mythical feeling was simply puppy love or something that really matters, the glue that binds one person to another and makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Ultimately that is what I want. Dating is great, casual encounters have their place but I feel like until I find the person that lights my world on fire I'll never settle, never be content, never feel real love again.

[mhowe]

It is the chemistry of infatuation, but it isn't lasting.

 

You can have it with someone and then find you are incompatible in reality.

Or, you can have it w/ someone and find that you have a ton in common, date, get engaged, get married.

 

But you can't search solely for that --- or you will never get past the first 15 min. of any date.