That's a strange way to get relief

[Staples 29]

Oh dear,

 

So I stumble accross a blog; and guess whose it is- the ‘ex’. I mentioned in previous posts that he encouraged me to do a lot of things, including blogging. It is a new blog – started in July so nothing much on there just introspection on life.

 

The latest one was about how he’s learning to quell the idea that he can change the world in which he dedicated to three people who got caught up in life affairs from last year- his grandmother and a friend who passed away as well as a girl who he described as the person he’d love most but had just removed him from his life recently because he tried to change something in her life. I think she’s a friend or relative because I had heard him refer to her once before but I could be wrong. I know he’s not been seeing anyone after me; just as much casual sex as he can manage- he’s sworn of relationships. Long and short was that he was hurting; he’s always been hurt. It’s slightly scary to know just how much pain he carries because it runs deep but that’s by the way.

 

Still that spurred me on to go on his twitter page. It was all macho and sex talk; as well as the ‘if you’re nice to a girl she’ll start playing you’ (his first love cheated on him). Mostly stuff that have jerk written all over it such as he doesn’t like nice girls. I remember telling him it really bothered me that I was not his type and he begged me not to use his past against him. Regardless, two things caught my eye- things that keep him awake at night was trending; they were ‘memories of the amazing people he let go of because he was being ruthless.’ and ‘what she’s doing now; saudade gatinha’ – it’s Portuguese for nostalgia which is what he used to tell me.

 

I was more interested in the first one. At least he has memories. Mine are fading but I think most of the difficulty of not seeing him again was being forgotten. I know it will happen eventually but there are still memories. With that I deleted the last text message where he said ‘I love you’ after breaking up with me. It hurt a teeny bit but not in the all so devastating way; I even laughed at some of the tweets. I kind of wished the second one was about me. For all I know it’s about the girl he blogged about; but all in all I was just glad to see he had a conscience.

 

Strange how the mind works; sure I miss him and I worry I won’t meet anyone I’ll have the same connection with again and that my ex-ex was probably my best shot at a great guy (distance and long term compatibility was the issue). I also get lonely and last week I dreamt I was standing with a heavy heart feeling like I let a friend down and he hugged me from behind and as it used to be, everything felt right.

 

I wish life came with a manual that reassured us that it would be alright. But yeah… getting some insight into his deep down feelings gave me some relief. And henceforth, I won’t let it matter anymore.