need advice with ex girlfriend

[jmiller808]

so i have been with this girl for 2 1/2 years and we lived together for 1 1/2 years. for our entire relationship we have been very happy. we never fought at all and were very much in love with each other. recently i had lost my job and was able to get one in a different state. i told her that i would not take the job if she didnt want to go, but she was willing to move. We moved out to this new state where we didnt really know a lot of people and things were ok. now after 5 months of living out here she says she is confused about our relationship and scared at the same time. she also met this other guy that she kinda likes, but doesnt know what it means.

 

She has told me that she doesnt want to be completely involved with me because she has a hard time with having feelings for someone else. she has only known this guy for about a month and were just hanging out after work and stuff. she decided that she needs some time off to figure things out but is unwilling to even try to take time off from both of us. she is still seeing this guy and doesnt want to spend any time with me, even doing fun stuff that we used to always do.

 

she is 21 and i am 25. i guess the advice im looking for is what to do about this and if there is a possibility for us getting back together. i want to think that this is just a phase because she is a little younger and is afraid that she will miss something in her life. This girl has been my life and im afraid that im loosing her more and more each day.

[Gauchori]

What I think you should do is set up a due date... I don't really meaan what I say but... pay attention.

 

I think you two need to have a private talk. Tell her how you feel about her, ask her how she feels about you and put things on the table. You two have been dating for some long time, and after 18 months, your body, your mind stops setting things up for interets and whats somnething srious. Thats when your minds says: Lets stop the fooling around, lets get married, have 2 children, and buy a mini-van.

This may sound strange but thats the real-deal.

 

I think you two need to talk. Lets be bf an gf for so much longer, lets get to know eachother more, than lets set up a date when we can talk again and lets see whats going on in our life. Ask yourself... do I really want to be with this woman FOR THE REST PF MY LIFE? until she dies or I do first. Do I really want to give everything I have, I posses, my pribasy to someone else? Do I really want to give all my money to the one that satays home?

 

All this weird question should be answer and hers to... ( Do I really want to wash this guys socks for the rest of my life... etc...)

So you have to plan your future, you can't just go on blind to what is going to happened next. If you think its time to get married, have to kids and buy a mini-van... than lets do it, but lets do it together....

 

Take care 8)

[jmiller808]

thanks for the reply. we have had a couple of talks about this situation and i guess i forgot to mention that she has decided to move out because of this. when we talk about this together she simply says she doesnt know and she is confused because she likes this other guy. she did also mention that she still loves me but not as much as she used to and that she would like to be with me. each time she says that she adds that she just needs some time. but im just afraid that with her spending time with this other guy and spending no time with me that she will end up forgetting about me and the good times we have had together. this is all so confusing to me and very hard. mostly because i have asked myself the questions you mentioned. and even though she has her little irks that can irritate me sometimes, i still cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone but her.

[DBL]

I would kick her out. Throw her clothes and all her belonging out the door. She is young and still isn't mature enough for a relationship. I don't understand how you guys can be so calm about this. I would of been at her work already smashing some heads.

 

Anyway...I personally don't like left overs, and I don't like my women tainted.

 

Good Luck in your choices, hope it all works out for you.

 

DBL

[YNP8112]

I have to agree with DBL. Kick her to the curb. Its crap how she is seeing this guy while living with you and doesn't want to do stuff with you. Tell her if she wants him so bad she can move in with him.

[Mun]

Hi Jmiller808,

I feel so bad saying this, but I have a feeling that your girlfriend doesn't know how to break up with you. I think she sees how much you want to make this work and she doesn't want to keep hurting you.

 

She has already told you that she has feelings for someone else. She has asked for time and she has moved out. I think all of this together should be enough to let you see the big picture. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think she wants to be in this relationship with you anymore.

 

I know you love this girl, but maybe you should take a stand here. Don't let her keep you on a string until she makes up her mind. This is not fair to you. Ask her to tell you straight out whether or not she is with you, be prepared that she might not want to stay.

 

As much as we want to, we can't force someone to be with us.

 

I hope things work out for the best.

[jmiller808]

so i sent her a text message today and pretty much told her to sit down and think about me for a little while and when she is done if she has no doubt in her mind that she doesnt want to try and work things out then i will leave and not contact her anymore. i also made it clear that she should not spare my feelings on this because telling me "i dont know" or not saying anything at all are worse than if she just came out and told me straight up. at least then i will know and i can try to move on.

 

been thinking a lot about therapy to maybe try to find out exactly what it is about the women i attract and fall in love with that causes this to happen since this exact situation isnt the first time this has happened to me.

[jmiller808]

she came over last night, she still has a lot of her stuff at my place and wanted to pick up some boots and her vacume. she also wanted to see our ferrets that we had bought and raised together. we talked about all kinds of things and it was going ok. she had just gotten done with working out and a friend had driven her over to my place. She said she couldnt stay long cause her ride was waiting. after a while i couldnt take anymore and started talking to her about us. I made sure she knew that the "first dating magic" in all relationships eventually fades and that is the easiest problem in a relationship to fix. i had said "we were good together" and she did agree, at which point i looked her right in the eyes and said if you think you found true love in me like her mother and i believe (since she has never been happier since we were together)" then she should at least owe it to herself to at least try. trying to make things better wouldnt hurt anything, if after trying it still doesnt work then at least we will know for sure.

 

she said to give her a week and we could probably go out together next thursday. she started to carry stuff out to the car and i offered to help and she started acting really strange. i started carrying stuff and asking her about her work out and who she worked out with. she told me it was a friend of hers that she works with. she asked me to set the box down a little away from the car and was acting really strange. so on the way back for more stuff i asked her if the person in the car was who she said it was. i got no answer and i finally confronted her about it. turns out it is the guy that she met that has her confused about our relationship. so i caught her in that lie. now i dont know what to think any more. i keep thinking there is more to this than im seeing because the way she has been acting about this whole situation, and the lying is something she has never done. her mom and i talk all the time and when i told her about it she was totally shocked because this is not like her at all to act like this.

 

ive decided to start no contact now and in order to do that i have to get all of her stuff out. so i called her today and left a message saying im getting a trailer for her stuff and to be home tomorrow for me to take it over there. if she isnt there the stuff will be left in front of her door.

 

i guess now its just time to try and move on. if she calls and wants to do something i will have to decide if i want to continue with no contact or to go out with her.

 

im in so much pain right now that i cant describe it, but im sure some of you out ther know exactly how much pain. i love her and hate her at the same time right now and thats probably the hardest thing for me right now.

[Mun]

Hey there,

I know how you are feeling and it's one of the worst feelings to have.

 

I think you are right about doing NC.. it's not easy but in this case you don't have much of a choice. Too bad she couldn't just be honest with you and spare you the surprise.

 

Hang in there.