Space To Get My Head Straight

[Dinocaz]

Am not sure of what to title this post so thought I would write it first and then see what comes up. Today my daughter flys out on her holiday with mum/bf. Its been somwhat of a struggle this week as I battled to come to terms with the fact my D will be spending so much time with exs bf ect. They are due to leave in an hour or 2 and in all honesty I cant wait now. I live in quite a small City, at least the City Center is pretty compact and since my BU in Feb this year I have so far avoided any direct contact with my ex. But somtimes I have changed my plans or avoided the city as the last thing I needed was to bump into somone I didnt need to!

 

Many times I wish she would have moved away , this is not exes City by birth. But hey we can live where we want right. But for the first time in these past 7 months I will be able to stroll the City without any fear of a chance meeting. Almost like having the place to myself. I also feel that in getting through this hurdle of my Ds holiday it will be another definitive step forward. Not a step I have any choice on as the wheels of life continue to grind no matter if we want them to or not. Im angry at myself this week for feeling the way I have about this situation. It also brought up a host of other emotions on the way. Such as self identity issues, the older more dire feelings of inadequacy and on how I was replaced. We should never compare ourselves to anyone else especially the partner of an ex - but these thoughts did come into play this week.

 

Im like where did that come from ? So in many many ways I will be glad when I know the City is clear of my past if only for 2 weeks. Breathing space - more time to keep moving forward - get my head straight.

[Dinocaz]

Well Enoters yesterday I crashed, had myself one hell of a pity party! Started the day ok but I got progressivly down. None of my family were available and I ended up doing somthing I had not done in a long time and that was going to a local pub early afternoon. It is a miserable place and I was 1 of 3 customers in there. Sat outside sipping a lager knowing my daughter is at the airport. Lots came back to me, the holidays we all took together ... I was grieving the loss of my family the children scattered - the changes. I have been doing so well in myself and then yesterday I get hit like this.

 

A plane flew over head ironic ha ha in my own mind I actually thought it was "the plane" taken them to where ever they were headed. I did not enjoy my lager. Walked back home not really knowing what I was gonna do. Bought half bottle of vodka again not somthing I have done in months. Mixed myself one with Pepsi. Then somthing strange happened. I put on one of the CDs my daughter had bought me for fathers day. Title was somthing like Pure Emotions. A few cheesy tracks but some classics - none of which were from my past. Good choice my daugher made. But some of the music was haunting, then I sat in the front of a large mirror I have in my living room looking at myself and I began to cry.

 

Have not cried in many months - I cried and cried and I cried some more. I looked not a pretty site. I didnt like what I saw in the mirror at that moment. I must have stayed there for around an hour maybe more. The pain was raw - and the memorys from the past came fast. I could do nothing to stop them. I called a friend we spoke later ... it was a long call. Then it was already late in the evening I was shattered drained I stumlbled to bed. Didnt sleep so well but did manage some sleep, and some of that no doubt the vodka. Today is another day another point has been passed, my recovery continues, Im cleaning my house for the arrival of my son, empty the rubbish, hoover, wash the surfaces, change bed sheets. I didnt even finish the half bottle of vodka which I suppose was a plus. Back on recovery mode, it was not so much missing my ex as I dont many times but the family unit and all the loss that it meant. Somthing in the time when we were breaking up I did not know would be so hard.

 

So keep moving forward with what your own battles are, down days can happen but they are only days and not weeks. Feeling stronger as today ticks by.

[pippy longstocking]

what bad timing for you darling and the site to go down .....

 

I hope so much your ok ..

 

remember ..it's down hill from here ...xx

[One day]

Hi Dino,

 

Ah fella, so sorry you crashed and burned, it's never pretty and dignity goes out of the window. The only positive from it, is the only way is up and a good hard cry can help clear the emotions banks (leaves you drained but somewhat serene).

 

From what you have said I think the build up and waiting for your daughter to go away on holiday caught up with you, acted as the trigger for the out letting of grief. I only say that as I have trigger points, ha infact one upcoming which I know will send me back down to ****sville (not a nice place to visit ever).

 

Glad you have managed to come through it and get back on that road to recovery and with regards to your daughter been away and spending time with your ex's BF don't worry she only has one father and that's you, that love will never, can never be replaced or bought. They will always be Daddies girl no matter what age they are.

 

Hope you have a good weekend with your son.

[Dinocaz]

Thanks good people for your replys and support. This site is so important - a life line in every sense of the word for many people! I have drifted through today but got active with a bit of work, earned a few £££ not alot but some. Im trying to work through my emotions roll with the punches and make sense of them as I have done since I decided I wanted to recover from this.

 

I suppose the shock is I never really saw it coming - so many mixed feelings. I was maybe to arrogant in my approach to my own healing ... Being alone has not made it easier. isolation can be criplling. And the kind of work I do right now somtimes does not really help. My family have all been busy this week and so speaking to others has been few and far between. I admit I feel really lonely somtimes. When I have my D here it takes up my time, I can be dad, im busy , even stressed I thrive on the right kind of stress - then it goes silent. Maybe Im gonna start a journal on the other part of this forum ... i enjoy to write. Today im drinking Lucozade and laying of the food , self detox. Gotta get my mind straight for tomorrow and get rid of my hangover! ranting here .... sorry. but thanks again to you ALL!!!

[Dinocaz]

Well my son arrived picked him up Saturday , I ended up bawling some but hid it well. I was tracking his flight as it came into land and usually its a good 35 mins or more before they clear security , so I go take a wee come out and he stood there. 6 long months since I last saw him. My how he has grown. He last came to the UK xmas 2011 it was in the middle of the thermo nuclear war between me n Ex. Although we had a truce of sorts over the xmas hols. But he picked up then how rotton I felt.

 

Its great having him here, cant explain it. Had a few difficult moments as he was asking about his "sisters" my exes eldest who he was close to . I explained the situ as best I could and said he wont be meeting up with her or my x but he will be meeting with Mollie. I noticed differences of course having him here on my own as Historicially he would always arrive to a full house when I was with the ex. But he is adjusting and yes im rebuilding my bond with him.

 

I had a few low moments thinking about my daughter on her hols with ex n bf but pushed em away. Time now to truly move forward, time to take big bold steps. Im feeling strong again, ready to beat this and come through. For the first time today and yesterday I felt a twinge of excitment thinking about who it would be I next meet in the love stakes. Its not gonna happen yet as Im dressed in rags and have nowt to offer right now. But hey just having those thoughts is progress. Last week so damn painfull - this week well moving forwards again. Break ups suck, they really do but they do NOT need to suck the life out of you. Keep on fighting eNoters, time to live again ... ex or no foooooooGin Ex