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I Really Need to Vent Myself Part 2

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The more I find myself venting my thoughts, the more better I feel afterwards.


Here are all my thoughts:


- Selflessness vs. My Wish to Improve myself

Having grown up in a poor family, my parents have instilled a great deal of selflessness in me. This selflessness, would always make me always consider other people's feelings/ambitions more important than my own. Maybe this is why my sister has a certain disrespect for me. This selflessness has interferes with my wish to improve myself, both for me and to help my family. In my mind, if I gain anything in anyway, that is being selfish. I have been trying to stray away from this "extreme selflessness".


- Trying to Make Peace with the Current Circumstances

My parents are extremely stressed out my entire life, its just that now I am 20, I can see it much more clearly. Because of my shyness and naivety, my parents view me as if I am a child. Though they wont tell me to my face, they harbor a secret disappointment in me and my greatest fear is that they will take this disappointment in me to the grave. I know that I cannot change the circumstances by accepting things as the way they are. I feel almost abound by my parents perceptions of me being extremely naive and unable to aid the family (my parents are getting kinda old).

- My Parents don't inspire me

I want a happy life (I am sure everyone does). I sometimes worry that if I blindly follow my parent's orders my entire life I would wind up exactly like them, old and stressed. It has been years since the family has last been on a vacation, and stress is always building up. I feel almost like I am a conduit for their stress. This doesn't give me much incentive to improve myself. I want to be inspired.


- Fear that my Parents Teachings have led me astray

From a very young age, my parents would drill me that good marks would lead to a successful life. They would judge my friends my the marks they get (i.e. if my friends dont get high marks, they aren't good friends). I don't believe this is wholly correct. True, education is important, but I believe that experience is more important. Experience is something that I lack very much of.


- My life Lacks Excitement

Having lived a very sheltered life, I feel this life is very boring. I wish for more excitement in my life, but not at the expense of trying to improve myself.


-My Own Lack of Goals

I don't have any specific goals of my own beyond trying to help my parents. My entire future can't be focused only around this.


-My Own Shyness

My shyness is something that has been with me my entire life, that it almost defines my very identity. If I try change myself, will I like who I become? As a changed guy, will I look at myself and think "this is not me"? If I change, will the girl I like, if she likes me will she still like me?


What I truly want in my life is someone who I can confide my innermost thoughts with (the same thoughts I have been posting on this forum), someone that would support me with everything I do and help me to improve myself.


*Sigh* I am expecting too much from this girl that I really like.


I want to know what it means to become truly strong, both physically and emotionally. I want to develop much more confidence for myself but I don't want this confidence to be a facade to hide my own worries and insecurities.


I want to know that I feels like to be loved by a girl and I also want to know what it feels like to be respected by my friends.


Strangely, I find myself not depressed at all, not compared to the first time I posted a message on this forum. As for the girl I like, I have no idea what she would think if she reads this thread. From reading alot on this forum, I found that many people have problems too and some of these people find solutions to their problems. This creates some incentive for me to admit my own problems as well.


Despite all these problems, I will continue trying to improve myself. I will gradually form goals that mean a great deal to me and by following these goals will I find myself truly happy and at peace.


PS. Sorry for the long thread

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that sounds like me a year ago. then i started playing guitar, which helped build confidence. and i got a bf. lol i knew he didn't like me but i was head over heels in love with him so i thought wat do i have to lose. i went up to him and told him straight to his face. "i love you, i want you, and i don't care how long it'll take i won't stop trying til i get you." well 6 months later he asked me out.

i probly didn't help much but i just wrote that so you could see that you have hope to be who you want to be. i'm sure you'll get somewhere in life fast you just gotta find something to make your life more exciting and make you happy. and that doesn't have to be a girl i think even i simple goal. i mean what is life without goals?

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