Wanted to post something I did earlier, about some sexuality issues I had

[ATLstudent]

There's a part of me that really is convinced i'm gay. At an early age in my life I became aware that I got aroused from thinking of males.....but growing up I never had feelings or was attrached to my male friends or guys in school but at the same time was very attrached to females in school and had crushes and girlfriends. But it's feels like that idea I am gay which my fantasy and masturbation patterns convinced me is deep set in me or something *because I feel the need to acknowledge I am truly gay, it feels relieving just typing it. But if I break it off with this girl now , I know I will just be chasing female around the city as usual......it's like this crisis in mind only comes up when I get into something more serious with a girl....when I am single and alone I don't think about it as much or at least not with the same severity and I am just attrached girls I see around....,I have the impulse to want to just hook up with Girls because I'm attached and none of these worries in my head matters because it's just casual.*

 

As far as the pain I think it's a mix of previous relationships and the gay question in my head ,,,,,,,I was really devastated at a young age by childhood girlfriends and associate a lot of pain with relationships and girls from high school and college, a time when I was terrified to try anything physical in fear that I was gay and it wouldn't work, which left me running from girls or us just ending it, and a lot of alcohol abuse as well. it was like these girls I had romantic feelings for we're going to be stripped away from me because I could never have them..... Because I thought I was gay , it was never going to work out in my head , when I really was wanting a relationship with a female and felt immense pain with the thought of it not being able to work .

Yesterday I was in and out if the gloomy depression , and when I gave it some thought I pinpointed a certain image that brought me to tears and really focused all the negative emotions........I thought about the girl I went on a date with the other day who is beautiful and I thought about her living another life without me in the future being happy with a another guy in a long term relationship or a marriage and the fact that I was not even a memory in her mind, she was a million miles away living another life ,,,,,,,,and that made me break down , and it's that feeling with girls that really hurts , that they won't end up with me.

 

I am very attracted to this girl but it hurts too

[saddestcat]

this is a confusing post. But it sounds like you are confused, and thats ok. you arent alone in that feeling. Maybe you should see a therapist regarding this?

[Jody675]

was thinking the same. or maybe your bi? go and find a councillor and get some help to sort out your feelings.

[ATLstudent]

Ok thanks , I just wonder if that deep sense of being gay is something I should just listen to or it's just a thought

[Jody675]

its your voice...why don't you explore it and see what happens.

[IJay]

Society in general is so homophobic, so it's just not a simple task to begin to uncover your sexual orientation. Fantasies may just be that, or they may be more, and worth exploring. Straight men with fantasies about having sex with other men, not so uncommon, and not necessarily evidence of being gay.

 

If you're more sexually attracted to women, then go in that direction. Hangups about being gay may be blocking your ability to know just how attracted you really are to other men. If you can take the shame away from that and begin to explore what might feel good for you, and take your time, then I think you're on your way to greater self-awareness.

 

For now, sounds like your thoughts are a bit obsessive. Do you obsess about other things in life? Anyone else in your family have obsessive thoughts? Talk to them to see how they're dealing with it. Therapy would be real good, don't burden friends with this stuff. You'll get well-meaning advice, but your work is probably to explore more deeply with the help of a therapist.

 

Inner conflict can lessen when we learn to accept ourselves. Sounds like you totally freak after the thought or belief that you are gay, or might be gay. Do you yourself have a problem with that possibility, or are you fearing the reactions of others, especially family?

 

Can you share more about the quality of relationships you've had in the past?