day by day...struggle to live

[EmptySoul]

Just really needing to write, I guess:

 

As everyone in this little community knows, I am beyond screwed up...

 

I've managed to refrain from actually cutting, with the exception of small marks and scratches from mechanical pencils/safety pins. I'm trying. (for them.) I faithfully take my generic Prozac every day...

 

No friends. Alicia went back to home-school. (of course i still love her, but i'm a little too far from social for friends.) Paula's a bit__. And everyone else is just hated.

 

The Boyfriend. It's been 2 weeks tomorrow night. (BiTTerSwEet HeLL) People started rumors about him and Paula, but of course they weren't true. I guess he asked out Kim yesterday. Ha. She should've got him to dump me and save me the trouble. But no...we're still together. He has to say that he loves me, and he has to say it constantly. he says he wants to be together FOREVER (forever??!!!) and wants to marry me when I turn 18. He's never loved a girl this way before, he says.

 

I have let this get beyond way too far. I can barely handle living, let alone a guy who's 'in love', romantic, and looking to the future. I'm still with him completely for him. He's got screwed over too many times. He wants me to be different, to not let it end the same way as the others. I'm trying so hard to stay with him but I'm fu__ing dying.

 

I'm wanting so bad to go back to far-apart phone calls from different guys wanting the same things. The numbness. Being alone.

 

The shi__y thing is, I was desperatly hoping for something better to come along. But here it is...And for me it's not better. It's pain, and the only kind I don't seem to want.

 

Because I'm me.

Because I'm dead.

 

Because I am supposed to be NUMB.

 

Empty

[under_the_pressure]

Empty,

 

I don't know what to say. I love you. I'm always going to be here, no matter what. Holding my arms out to you. I honestly don't know what to say. I wish I did. Guess I'm not the 'great' friend then, eh? I love you though. You have 1 friend. Even though I'm in homeschool, I'm still here.

 

Love always,

alicia.

[Scout]

Dear Empty Soul,

 

I don't have "specific advice" - I just have some things I want to say.

 

First, Alicia's response brought tears to my eyes. It's such a beautiful example of someone reaching out to another in pain. This is why I love eNotalone.

 

Second, you are NOT BEYOND screwed up. I want you to stop giving yourself negative, critical labels right now. It's not what you "are", it's what you're experiencing. Right now, you're experiencing depression. You're taking Prozac, and while that can help, it isn't the answer for everything. As you and I both know, recovering from depression is not an overnight process, and not just one thing can do the job. It may also require therapy, continued interaction with good, supportive friends, and letting your family know what's going on, rather than withdrawing and shouldering the entire burden on your own. Plus, withdrawing into ourselves can become a dangerous habit that, over time, can make us feel more numb, more alienated, more alone.

 

As hard as it is, you must try to reach out to people. Even if you sign up for some kind of volunteer group where you can help others who are down and out, suffering from a terrible misfortune, etc. Please keep your heart and mind open to the world. I can't emphasize how important this is in the recovery process of depression.

 

You honestly sound like a good soul. We need good souls on this earth - badly. I would like to see you grow stronger and more hopeful. You truly have so much to offer to others, and your empathy could help someone else one day.

 

But you must open yourself up to friendships with others.

 

Regarding the boyfriend, let's start a healthy practice right now: never stay with a man because you feel sorry for him. You will definitely grow to resent him and it will show. He will be anxious, become more clingy, you'll get more exasperated. If you do not want to be with this guy, break up with him kindly and firmly. It is obviously a drain on your emotions right now anyway.

 

Please, try to see how much you have to offer to the world, get out in it, and give. In fact, try to live by this code: Don't give up. Don't give in. Just give.

 

love, Scout

[MattTheStudent]

As I was reading your post, I realized how much of myself I hear in your voice. My voice is probably deeper, though, because I am 22 and a guy and I have a deep voice...lol. Anyway, this IS not who you are, just what you're feeling. Two years ago today, I was so convinced that I was such a piece of sh__ that I didn't deserve to live anymore, and the only way out was death. I put dozens of slices into my wrists with a razor blade and dropped an electrical cord in my bathtub as I laid there bleeding. My ex-girlfriend found me and I spent two weeks in the hospital. Now, I live far away from where that happened, no one knows about my past, and my life is actually pretty great. I did just break up with the girl I've been with for the past two years, but I'm not letting it tear me apart. My point is, no matter how bad it gets, or how awful you feel inside, it gets better. Another important thing to remember is that depression is not a state of mind- it's a disease, and it changes your brain chemistry, the way you think, the way your mind works. I once thought I'd be institutionalized for the rest of my life because my head was so trashed, but I just had to keep living, a day at a time. So if that's what you need, just wake up every morning and say to yourself, I only have to make it to bedtime. That's it. You can do this, you'll be alright- and remember, it is NOT your responsibilty to take care of anyone but yourself. I've let girls take care of me in the past because I've had a pretty rotten life, but I've realized that before you can truly love someone else, you've gotta learn how to love yourself. Anyway, I hope I provided some sort of help my friend. Hang in there.

[EmptySoul]

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

 

I guess I need to make clear that I'm not staying with him because I feel sorry for him. He's great. I guess I mean that the only reason I've been able to keep from blocking him out like everyone else is bc I know it would hurt him.

 

I believe he at least really thinks he cares about me. I don't think it's right for me to leave him, hurt him and not even be able to explain why...

 

Empty