Please help with some perspective on this

[diverp]

First off, sorry for the long post.

 

I started dating a girl who was a couple of hours away last January. We dated on and off until about a couple of months ago. The whole time, I thought things were going fine between us. Then we went on a trip together and I started seeing a side of her that she was really trying to hide, and couldn't

 

She suffers from depression and has been divorced for 6 years and has had a couple of crummy relationships in the meantime. She is quiet and shy and is frustrated that she isn't taken seriously at work. She told me that she was worried that I would find out what a bad person she was and that she was convinced that all of her relationships turn out badly.

 

She has a terrible relationship with her sisters and only got a relationship going with her mother after she was divorced. Before that, she disliked her. She has never kept a job for longer than a year or two as she always seems to have difficulties working with other people. She just quit her current career/job which paid well because she had slowly degenerating relationships with the people there. When I met her, she would say some nice things about them, and it slowly got bad. She was convinced that if she was to act nice to people there, they wouldn't take her seriously. She was equally convinced that if she put her foot down on anything, she was considered a (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR).

 

She finally quit and did a job hunt and had about half a dozen interviews. She was turned down at 5 of them because they thought she was non-friendly and didn't think she would fit into a team environment. She ended up getting a job at a company where an old boss went to not too long ago as he arranged the interviews.

 

She has always said that she cannot make friends and that she has none. She has joined an intramural sports league and has gotten in well with a couple of the women, but a couple of women don't like her. One time in an effort to make friends she had gone out with a guy (while we were dating) from work who was married to the movies after work on a Friday. The whole thing sounded a little fishy to me, but I was trying to be understanding for her. I did get a little jealous. A couple of weeks ago, an older guy (about 55, we are 34) from work asked if she would show him around a national park nearby. She got advice from her mom and thought it was an innocent thing to do. Well, she went to this park and on the way back this guy said he had feelings for her. She was floored. The last week at her now ex job, the guy she went to the movies with had started giving her some weird comments. She is starting to realize that she gives off this innocent "I like everyone" attitude to people out of work. She was even worried that she was getting this new job because this ex boss , who is married, may have a crush on her. To anyone I have introduced her to, she comes accross as very nice and likeable and a girl next door type.

 

When we were dating, and due to her depression, she would want to spend some weekends together, and then want to be totally alone on other weekends. She wanted a relationship and made every gesture that she wanted one, and then went out of her way to stave me off. She had two personalities with me.

 

Well, one time I called her on this and said that I wanted more from a relationship and she returned the next day with how she didn't want to persue the relationship. I was floored at how she was unwilling to work through this at all or at least tell me what the problem was. We spent about every other weekend together and she was happy as a clam cuddling with me on the couch. Then she would go home and be depressed and treat me distantly. We spent this little time togehter and when I asked why she didn't want to spend more time together, she would say I was being too pushy (we talked a couple of times a week on the phone and saw each other every other weekend. she was very happy with me when we were together and was very affectionate with me though, I didn't/don't understand that as hard as I try).

 

Since then, I have been told that she wants me around to be able to talk to. She was telling me all about her problems with work and the like. I have been there for her when her life has been crap. Now, she has a new job she is starting up and a new girlfriend from the sports league. So, she never calls any longer (the last couple of weeks) and seems like she is fine having this other friend to talk to. That is great. She needs friends and I support that. I totally feel like I have been used by this girl though. I feel very bad that she goes through what she goes through, but isn't there a point where you should be mature enough and accountable enough to hold up a relationship with someone. I have gone through the cycle of accepting that we are friends and getting my own personal life going, then she has an issue and cries on my shoulder, and then I naturally am a friend to her but also get some of the feelings back (which I don't act on), then she gets happy again and moves on and ignores me. This has happened about 3 times over the last couple of months and it is starting to wear on me.

 

Part of me wants to tell her that it is too tough to be a friend to her and part of me considers myself to be a whiner and I should be selfless and be an unconditional friend to her. She has said that she would want to have a relationship in the future with me (I'm not naieve, this usually is an easy way of letting someone down), then she will cry on my shoulder and be happier after we talk, then she ignores me for a couple of weeks. I like this girl. She has some very nice qualities. She is all over the place on the emotional scale though. I need a little outside perspective on this. It is really bugging me and affecting my self image.

 

Any advice you can offer would be very much appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[stolenshadow]

Hi, ok my opinion is this girl is: Afraid of commitment, a user and very abusive.

 

It sounds like she could have severe depression, maybe even be bipolar, her behavior is not normal in the slightest but you shouldn't keep allowing this to affect you.

 

You want to help her, be her friend, be there for her, that's great, you do that but draw a line, she will see the best of you but you won't get attached to her as anything more than a good friend.

 

Meet other girls, don't put yourself in the second place, if you want to be there always then do it but remember you are important, you should have priority, go out, spend time with friends, and if this girl calls or not it won't be a problem, you'll have your friends.

 

Of course, it would be better if you want to cut contact and erase her from your life, you obviously don't need a girl like that even with her nice qualities, but if you want to be selfless with her I'm sure you can do that too.

Best Wishes.

[diverp]

Thanks for the reply. The logical side of me agrees completely with you. She is not a healthy individual. She is taking steps towards getting better, but still a ways off.

 

I have started to try and date again. I have never had much problem dating, but I do find myself a little gunshy lately. I have a coffee date with someone this evening who I met recently. I actually feel more nervous about seeing her than I have about seeing someone in a long time. I guess I just feel typical lack of self esteem because of the effort I put into that previous relationship and its outcome.

 

Now, the problem is this. For whatever reason, I can't get this other girl out of my mind. She is the first girl in a long time that I have dated who has some very nice qualities. Granted, she does treat me like she is using me to some extent. However, I have a hard time believing that it is intentional. I feel like it is more lack of maturity and not malice. She was the first woman I seriously felt like having a seriously long term relationship with (and I have been engaged before to a woman who cheated on me).

 

I will try to figure out where that line is to draw with her and keep one side of it. I would hate to lose her as someone to chat it up with. We have so much in common and can talk for hours. Thanks for your advice.

[stolenshadow]

Hello again, ok, let's say you have plenty in common and also chemistry, be friends then, you'll forever have a relationship with her, just please, don't see her as anything else because as you have realized it won't work and it will damage you.

 

And it's true she might not be "using" you or others because she's a bad person, only time will tell you if she was actually a bit lost but trying hard to do the right thing.

 

She won't be out of your head for a while, but that doesn't mean she's the most special girl you'll ever met.

Think about it.

[diverp]

Funny how things happen. I had a date tonight with someone I met a week ago. We hit things off very well and are going out again. I think this was something that I needed and at the right time. This girl seems very down to earth and we talked for a few hours over coffee.

 

Now, not that I am making wedding plans already or anything stupid like that, but going out with this other girl does put things in perspective for me. It made me think that there are other women out there who would think I am a catch and don't toy with you. I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

 

I do think I want to remain friends to this other girl I dated before. I am just like that. However, you are right. I really should not even think of having any kind of romantic involvement with that other girl any more. She is just too erratic and wreckless with my feelings.

 

Thanks for the responses and the reality check.