Wow... this is completely consuming me... need help:(

[bpm103]

This is a bit long.

 

My ex and I were together for a little over 4 years. During that time I was at the height of a drug and alcohol addiction that was a symptom of larger issues inside me. Primarily a weekend binge user, I would periodically stop and try to get a hold of myself on self will. It would work at times but I would always resort back to using because I was never doing the work to make myself a better person. I repeatedly cheated on my ex. Every girl I cheated on was nowhere close to the quality of woman my ex is. I was/am sick and I was attracting women that were as sick as me. I would lose attraction to my girlfriend because I constantly needed a "fix". I would obtain it through drinking and drugging and picking up women to make myself feel good. I say these things now and I am completely disgusted with myself.

 

I told her about the things I had done and I thought things would be over but she said she knows I am a good person inside and that I need to get better. She was right... but I didn't get better. I stopped for a while but never went to AA or tried to better myself aside from some therapy that I was going to weekly. That wasn't enough so I ended up wanting to go back out again and the same thing happened. At that time I decided enough was enough, I had to stop drinking so I went to inpatient rehab. While there I worked the steps of AA and my goal was to stop using and stop drinking.

 

Looking back though, that was my only goal... I didn't realize how sick I was with my thinking. I stuck with the program for about 3 months but I stopped really trying to get it because I thought I was "good"... I had lost the desire to drink. Well, I was still insecure, restless, self-conscious, indecisive, selfish, self centered, and completely unhappy. I always thought... well, If I change this or change that, I will be happy. OR, if I can do this, or get that or this then I will be happy. I never realized that I had a hole in my soul. I was empty and hated myself. Well a big life decision came and it gave me the opportunity to move to a big city... 1800 miles away from my gf, who still stuck by me despite multiple breakups initiated by me and many horrible things I did that hurt her. I thought the move would be good because I had been so indecisive with the relationship that it would give me a chance to break free. Plus I thought that this was my ticket to success - big job, big city... BIG EGO.

 

I moved, knowing that I was not only setting myself up for a relapse after a year sober but likely ending the relationship. I had some hope in my mind that maybe things would click for me and her and I would still be able to be together but I kind of knew that wasn't going to happen. I can look back now and honestly say that I wanted the party and EGO trip more than the relationship. Well, I did relapse and I continued doing the same crap I did when I was back in my home city with my ex. I again told her what I had done. She again supported me and believed in me. I again vowed that I would stop drinking. I again relapsed. Then something seemed to click for her. She said she wasn't sad anymore... she was mad. That there scared the hell out of me... it suddenly hit me that with or without her I need to get ahold on myself because I am going to continue hurting her, my family, myself, and any future people in my life. I made the decision right there, no longer a resolution but a decision, to cut it out for good. I begged her for another (one last) chance... and she seemed to have been giving it to me. Over the next 3 weeks I went to an AA meeting a day, talked to my sponsor all the time, read the big book, and dove into the fellowship of the program. I have to get better - I am done with this cycle - It hurts so much. Anyway, I flew to visit her on memorial day and I thought we had a great visit. We seemed to connect on every level.. she was loving and affectionate. We laughed and talked... just like normal. Except I could just tell that there was something a little off...

 

She seemed to be very guarded in a way. Well, I flew back to where I live now and over the course of the following week she gradually pulled away... she stopped replying with loving texts. She started going out drinking with her friends and not texting me at the end of the night. And the last thing that really got me was that she didn't text me before bed after a night out and when I called in the morning she didn't answer and then didn't call me back for a half hour. She had a reason but I second guess it... I am suspicious but it's here nor there where she was. When she called me back she was short with me but told me she loved me... she texted me she loved me. But when I texted her later she was again distant... I questioned what was going on and she said she feels things getting distant. I asked her to talk and she said she doesn't have the drive to continue. That was it...

 

I told her I understood... I was numb. I didn't want to get in an argument with her but I was crushed. I felt like she deserved to be let go after all I had put her through. I told her that I love her very much and want her to be happy. She told me she wanted me to be happy too and she cried. I told her that I hope we talk again someday but I can't talk to her as friends right now. She said she hopes so too... sobbing. Then we said goodbye She texted me late that night telling me that she loves me and she doesn't know what was going on with herself. I didn't reply... I didn't know what to say.

 

Now it's been 2 weeks of no contact and I am dying. I think about her non-stop. I hate all of the things I did. I see only the wonderful things she is and the horrible things I did. I am 100% dedicated to my recovery now... I have 40 days sober and by the grace of God I will never go back to that life. This break has taught me that I am sick in my thinking and unless I heal I will continue to cause others and myself pain forever and I cannot live with that.

 

I miss her SOOOO much. I look at her as the love of my life. I'm 34 years old and I fear that I will never find a woman as pure and loving as her again in my life. Right now I want to text her. I wish I could go back to her now. I would pick up and leave this city and go back to her and make it my life goal to stay sober and provide a happy life for her. I am filled with so much regret and sadness. I HATE what I put her through and the pain I feel is so deep. Worst is the thought that she will look back at me and think how foolish she was and how I am just a piece of garbage. Ugh, that is horrible to consider. She was my best friend in the world ever.

 

I miss you babe.

[chickydoodle]

Maybe your guilt and feelings that she deserves better than you are preventing you from fighting for her now- the most important time to do so..

Without begging can you ask her for another chance - commit to her in some way?

 

I cant see her lasting with anyone else after all you've been thru' together. She has Loved you when at your worst- That is deep. Dont assume she will move on easily.

Give it a few more weeks' she may contact you first. If so ask how she would feel with some sort of comittment from you.....

If she doesnt contact you , she may be testing to see how easily you move on without her so I feel you should contact her and give it a go- in a couple of weeks.

[patterned]

Thanks for your post. You may or may not be interested in these. I hope for your continued recovery. You've both been through a lot. She has her own work to do.

 

You may or may not find these interesting to you. From Brené Brown removed[/i] and link removed