I just want to know i'm not crazy - can anyone relate??????

[vano]

Hello people:

 

I'm having issues with love. Having been with my current boyfriend for 1.5 yrs, which may not be that long but I can see us staying together for a long time, I am constatnly thinking about another guy. He was a bartender at my old job and I was incredibly attracted to him, to the point of being obsessed. At the same time, I love my boyfriend although we have had some difficulties in the past and I've doubted my feelings for him. I know that I shouldn't be "cheating" on him mentally, so to speak, plus it could lead to actual infidelity. Guilt is eating me alive.

The problem is that I can't seem to help it: I imagine being with the other guy, I have dreams about him all the time. Occasionally I stop by my old job just to see him. I don't know if other people can tell any of this. I don't know if he can tell that I still like him. I did almost sleep with him when I was a waitress at the bar, but we were both too wasted so I stopped it. Before that I had told him that I like him, and he said the same while looking in my eyes. That was the one and only time we kissed, and I cant forget it. He also has problems with a relationship that he has been trying to end for a while. The girl he's with is unstable, and I guess so is he so they keep getting back together. THey were broken up when we almost had sex. After that they got back together and I withdrew, somewhat hurt by the situation. We stopped hanging out when I met my boyfriend, shortly after this incident.

I'm becoming desperate. What if the bartender stopped working there and I no longer see him? What if he dosnt feel the way I think he does? SHould I even be asking these questions while I'm in a serious relationship an din love with a rather jealous but very loyal guy? Do I simply want what I cant have? I'm way too scared to go up to the bartender and try to be with him again, I don't want to lose both of them. I'd liket to follow my heart but know that this may be disasterous. What I think is that we are a good match and that we're both in relationships that we're not fully into, but are used to. Maybe I'm doubting my relationship and this is the symptom of my insecurities?

I hope this wasn't too boring...

 

Good luck to you all and thanks for listening. God knows I need someone to hear.

SD

[mscolly]

The situation reminded me vaguely of what happened to my wife -whom I've known now for 25 years- last year, after 18 years of marriage and 5 children: she fell "in love" with someone young enough to be her son, someone she met on the internet and met 3 times. This affair lasted about 1 year.

 

The word in particular that struck me in your post was "obsessed". But with what exactly are you obsessed? Do you really know this bartender? Do you know that he is "unstable"? It seems to me you don't really know him at all.

 

On the other hand, you know your boyfriend pretty well. You know his faults, you've been through (and overcome?) problems with him. You feel comfortable with enough to think you may stay with him for a long time.

 

So, on the one hand you have well-known, tried and tested comfort. On the other, you have an obsession for a fantasy. One sounds boring, the other exciting. One is safe, the other is dangerous. One is known, the other is still to be tasted.

 

I can't tell you which to choose. However, choose you must: the obsession will make you crazy, it will poison your relationship with your boyfriend, you will be forever unsatisfied.

 

I can only suggest a cooling off period. Can you take a holiday, visit relations, go on a round the world cruise, alone? At very least, try to take a step back from the bartender, try to get a handle on what you really want and feel. It would be a shame to ruin a good relationship with your boyfriend for the sake of hormones. On the other hand, perhaps your boyfriend isn't stimulating your hormones anymore.

 

Get some distance and decide what you want. And don't remain in limbo too long. Choose, and act on the decision. You'll hurt everyone a lot less in the long run.

[vano]

There is much wisdom in your advice and I thank you.

I've wanted a relationship like the one I'm in currently for a long time and for a while I was attracted to guys who either would not commit or who did but then turned their backs on me.

As far as the bartender, he may or may not have feelings for me, and it is the fact that I do not know which one it is that drives me nuts. Its like unfinished business or something.

It is also a fantasy like you said, one that can be poisonous and in fact has been -- which is why I wrote in this forum.

Most of all, I'm scared of not being in control of my own thoughts and actions. I do not want to hurt my current boyfriend. I also do not want to let this fester in my mind and be something that I regret...Why is it not over? I stopped working there this april and here I am, in october, still thinking about the bartender.

As far as me not knowing him, that is actually not true. I was friends with him for a while and we've shared a lot of intimate thoughts in that period. HE used to act protective over me when I was dating a couple of jerks, and even when I met the current b/f, he happened to be there, watching us interact for the first time while smoking a cigarette.

I think I'm just mad at myself for not having acted on this, but then again, why didn't he? Maybe both us decided to pass it up out of fear, or who knows what. I hate the word maybe.

[das420]

My reply is that you evaluate your relationship. If you think your current boyfriend is the one or could be, stay with him forget the bartender. If you think think the relationship is stalling, let him down gently. DO NOT CHEAT. It will make you feel good until the sex is over. Then you will feel guilty, sick, and very confused. My only advice is to see what is important your already established relationship, or your urge for adventure. Remember this, the grass on the other side is usually NOT greener.

 

Good Luck to you in whatever you choose

[Cecelius]

I think you should step back with your current b/f. No matter what else, you are clearly not in love as much as you might be, so I think you should match your level of actual committment to your feelings.

 

Explain to him that you are not into the relationship any more or as much and explain that you would like to see other people. Personally, if I were the b/f, I would say okay, thanks and good bye, but I would give him that option.

 

Second, take a little while to breathe (several weeks), then go see the other guy.

 

But do not cheat. Don't go see him or talk to him until you are done with the current b/f. This board is full of posts about people who began a new one while involved in an old one. You will kill your reputation among everyone involved and you will make it nearly impossible for any guy in the future to have a decent, trusting relationship with you.

[vano]

Thank you Das and thank you Cecilius.

 

You both advise me to NOT CHEAT and I am in complete agreement with that.. I also think that I need to separate the two things: the bartender mystery and my relationship with b/f, because each deserves separate treatment. It wouldn't be correct to wait and end my current relationship because of the bartender. That would be cruel and immature.

But then again, even if there was no bartender I should not be staying with someone just because I haven't found something better.

 

You are right that many people do not want to face their relationship issues, so they just dive into the next one to forget the one before. That is why so many people with serious problems are out there nowadays...we all know plenty of guys and women who are getting over their three four or five year relationship, and here they are immediately getting involved again.

Its wrong on so many levels. But its also easier.

 

I dunno.

Thanks again though