BF's Ex and my Fears.

[loveculture]

My bf had a painting on his bed one day when we got home. It was with a bunch of stuff like his backpack. I didn't think anything of it. Few days later I saw the painting on the floor against his dresser placed there behind his backpack. Picked it up and it had a message on the back to him saying happy bday and that he now has one of her original paintings...his birthday was a few months back so either she just sent it now or he had it sent up here from his home state or he had it this whole time and brought it with him when he moved here.

 

It turns out after talking to him today about his exes, that this girl is his ex gf and his longest relationship which was only 6 months long. This is the girl who he says broke his heart four years ago because she cheated on him. He doesn't know I've seen the painting's message or even the painting. Should I be worried over this painting?

 

On top of it, I checked this girl out on facebook, (come on we all do this) and she isn't exactly pretty. She looks quite odd, but there is something somewhat pretty about her. She has an odd nose and her eyes are ok but also look a bit bug eyed in a comedic way. Anyway, she isn't gorgeous or anything so that made me feel better being that I'm quite insecure. BUT, it turns out she is a successful actress and in fact has a decent role in an upcoming movie that has a bunch of famous actors in it. She is playing a famous actor's wife in the movie.

 

I happen to be an actress myself, but not as successful. So, now I'm feeling pretty insecure, jealous, upset, about this half-famous actress being an ex gf he dated and the one who broke his heart. Not to mention this being the one who sent him that painting that he has hanging around in his room with him currently for some reason and had out and about for some reason.

 

Unfortunately, this happened to me with my last bf and our relationship fell apart for many reasons, but one of my problems was my inability to get over him having dated a more successful actress, an absolutely gorgeous (in my opinion) girl. I found myself checking up on her work and trying to silently compete with her. Even when running into her at some auditions, she made me feel threatened and would stomp around in a showy manner and have an attitude with me and it only fed my insanity. It just bothered me so much that my bf at the time had been with this girl and loved this girl and that he knew she was more successful than me and that she knew she was better than me too.

 

Now, I'm deathly worried that I'm going to start upsetting myself over my current bf's ex gf. Call me shallow, selfish, or whatever but I just can't help that I want to have a bf who looks at me as the most beautiful girl he has dated yet and as the most successful actress that it amazes him. It also matters what I think too though. In my ideal dream relationship I could feel good about myself knowing my true feelings on my bf's exes is that they are not as successful or good looking as myself. I know how horrid this sounds, but it's my truest inner feelings and I can't switch them off.

 

I'm feeling really low about myself now knowing this girl is his ex and he is still friends with her and knows of all her success and luck. Up until now I was living in a happy bubble cause I had asked him not to tell me anything about his exes ever because I thought we'd be better off. But then I asked him today and he hesitated but answered my questions. BUT then threw in the girl's name and I am so upset he did because now I know who she is and all about her through the handy internet. There wouldn't be a problem right now if I didn't know. I wanted to remain ignorant to the past of my bf and now my illusion is shattered.

 

Now, I think this relationship is definitely going to fall apart because of this. I guess I just needed to vent here on ENA. I wonder if anyone understands where I'm coming from. I know I have to "get over it" and I have to stop feeding my insecurities and that this is "nuts", but unfortunately I tried that in the last relationship and I know myself. I think the relationship just won't work now. I felt the happiest in years after me and my ex bf broke up and I didn't have to think about his ex gf anymore. She disappeared from my life and I didn't have any ex gf to compete and obsess over because that guy wasn't a part of my life anymore. It was lovely.

 

I really need my sanity and I don't want to get upset over some girl I don't know all over again and start feeling horrible about myself and trying to better myself in my career so I can be more successful than some girl I don't know....but it's what I will do because it's how I am. What's worse is my current bf's ex gf is in a movie coming to theatres...this is on a much grander scale of upsetting me. We are likely to see a preview for it in theatres and it has my favorite actor in it! It's a blow to my ego big time.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think you have two issues going on here: your insecurities and your boyfriend's actions.

 

You are in a profession that may attract and promote insecurity. You are judged based on your looks, especially as a woman, unless you are a really really great actress. Your insecurity seems to have rotted out your last relationship from the inside and it can make this happen again in this one. So, yes, you do need to work on your insecurities because checking to see if an ex is "pretty" is terribly insecure and unhealthy ... and a little catty. I think since this is such a deep rooted issue for you, therapy might be the only way to deal with it. I would also add that a central part of your 'dream relationship' is basing your good feelings about yourself on being more attractive and successful than your bf's exes is incredibly unhealthy. I do think that you can shift your desires, but it takes a lot of time, self-reflection, and inner work. You should really do that - understand why so much insecurity around these women.

 

Second, I do also think there is a valid question on the table. Is your bf friends with his exes? Are they still talking? What are his feelings towards them? Are you ok with these realities? This is a separate yet related issue that needs to be addressed as well.

[loveculture]

He is friends with all his exes yes. Obviously they still talk to some degree for him to have this painting and i don't think it's a painting from a long time ago, but sent to him for his most recent birthday that passed. I mean, I shouldn't assume though and at least ask if they are talking.

 

How do I ask my bf his feelings toward his exes and if they are still talking? That's a rather odd question to ask and probably comes off like I'm insecure, jealous, and digging for info for those reasons. I don't know how to just get into asking these things without worrying it comes off that way.

 

I don't agree with being friends with exes.

[Ms Darcy]

I go back to the majority of my post - which focused on you. The more you work on your insecurities, the easier it will be for you to define and communicate relationship boundaries born out of reasonable concern rather than neediness. That part is where you should put your energy for now.

[loveculture]

I go back to the majority of my post - which focused on you. The more you work on your insecurities, the easier it will be for you to define and communicate relationship boundaries born out of reasonable concern rather than neediness. That part is where you should put your energy for now.

 

Should I be questioning about the painting and is it ok for me to be upset over it? My bf told me a few days before I found this painting that he doesn't have anything that an ex gf gave him because no girl ever gave him anything like a card or a letter or anything. He said he had nothing at all. Then this painting shows up in his room.....and he looks like a liar to me now.

[Ms Darcy]

Approaching him from a place of anger and insecurity isn't going to serve you well.

 

I suggest going to therapy and doing inner work on your insecurities first.