Sex after the "let's be friends"

[giraffeprint]

My ex and I have been trying to work things out for about 2 months * now but it’s been a real rocky road. I came to the realization that I was so afraid and insecure about losing her again that I got too consumed in trying to do things right and never got to be myself around her plus this is during finals period so we were both extremely stressed . I explained this to her last night, telling her we never saw our full potential. It felt so good to finally be open and honest with her instead of the silly mind games I was trying to play. She said she’d rather us be friends, but we had sex after this conversation? *

 

I can be such an emotional wreck around her and I know it’s been hurting my chances and making me look weak and unappealing . She says I can’t be so sure that we will work in the future , but I honestly feel it in my heart . How can she be so sure that we won’t ? And then to initiate sex , and want a friendship? I just feel like she’s unsure about her feelings *

 

Everyone tells me just to move on but I’ll never really have peace with myself until I know for sure if we can be a successful couple or not.

 

Im done trying to convince her, I know it’s been getting me the exact opposite of the results I want. Do I still have a chance? What would be he best move forward here?

[Muzatsu]

At least you didn't have sex with an ex and then they told you after, let's be friends. This happened to me one month in what I thought was a reconciliation. If you want to save yourself from more gut wrenching pain, then don't be friends with her. As much as she says she wanted to be friends and as much as you want to be with her in any form at all, don't do what you are emotionally unprepared for. It's obvious she still has a level of attraction to you that hasn't gone away, but the fact remains she doesn't want to be with you all the way. You will make it easy for her by allowing yourself to be there unconditionally. She will see you as a doormat and ultimately perceive you as a safety net. No matter how many mistakes you have made, if you showed true love they will know it. Whether they will want to return it is out of your hands. If you stay in such a situation, no matter what you will suffer. Use no contact or very limited contact to regain a sense of self. Leave her to her own devices not as a manipulation, but to save yourself. If you show yourself as worthless by being willing to be friends that bone aka in her eyes whether you like it or not, fwb, that is what you will receive. Let time decide the best course of action rather than emotion. Remember love is also an action not just a feeling, but how we react in times where love had been compromised, is through fear.

 

Commit to yourself before you continue on a slippery slope that will only go downhill. All exes come back if you treated them with love, but they won't if you keep pushing your agenda on them when they have no will to keep on treading through this journey with you. Please leave it be, I've got the wisdom to know since I've been there several times before and still am.

[Rostik77]

My friend i am in the same exact position as you. I feel exactlly how you do and we're almost in an identical situation. Hoping for the best playing things by ear now.

[giraffeprint]

Thank you so much for taking the time to right this . You're definitely right . This was our second break up. I remember doing NC and finally building my own confidence. I guess I just need to do it all over again.

 

Maybe you can help me understand this though . She says she wants to be friends but her actions say otherwise. Am I just indenial or is she really just unsure ? She also told me shes against this because we've dated before and I'm the only committed relationship she's been in. If you have someone in front of you willing to shower you with love, why would you want to look else where? Why wouldn't you want to at least see what it can become? I try my hardest to put myself in her shoes but these questions i still can't seem to answer.

[giraffeprint]

My friend i am in the same exact position as you. I feel exactlly how you do and we're almost in an identical situation. Hoping for the best playing things by ear now.

 

Hey do you have a post on here ? I'd like to read it. Did you notice when you were messing up? Did you try to stop yourself? That's what sucks the most is because I know I did this to myself . Had I not been so consumed I would've been able to attacked the problem with a level head not my raging emotions.

[Muzatsu]

Thank you so much for taking the time to right this . You're definitely right . This was our second break up. I remember doing NC and finally building my own confidence. I guess I just need to do it all over again.

 

Maybe you can help me understand this though . She says she wants to be friends but her actions say otherwise. Am I just indenial or is she really just unsure ? She also told me shes against this because we've dated before and I'm the only committed relationship she's been in. If you have someone in front of you willing to shower you with love, why would you want to look else where? Why wouldn't you want to at least see what it can become? I try my hardest to put myself in her shoes but these questions i still can't seem to answer.

 

I see you are talking about finals. So we must be in a similar age range. I just finished college a year ago and I am currently in a gap year to figure out what graduate school I'll be attending. I have been in two serious LTRs and I can attest to you that it is a living hell.

 

The only difference is that I am female, and well, it seems men who are dumped/dumper regardless of roles usually come around. However, regardless of gender people are people, and if your bond was tight as you believe they will come back.

 

I am a person that believes that people shouldn't have to look so hard for love if people are inherently able to get along without much strife. However, people often have what is called grass is greener syndrome. Your ex is much like mine in that we are at an age where some people do not appreciate their current situation because of uncertainty. Some people are mature at a young age and can take steps to be in a relationship, while being in college and while cultivating a career. Other people let stress easily dissolve the relationship, as I am guessing your ex has. Some people are just not on the same page emotionally, and cannot be involved with someone else while dealing with everything else, because they are too immature to handle it.

 

At a pivotal age such as the beginning of your 20's, stress from everything often puts relationships in the backseat, and percieved relief from that stress sometimes comes in the form of wanting to be autonomous, or single.

They may even want to see if there are other people who are 'better' than you. This is a fallacy, as people in the age of waste, are quick to throw away phones, computers, things that are fixable in an instant. This attitude extends to the way people treat people, as disposable and irreparable things, made better by a new shiny person they can take a whack at. There is no incentive to stick by people and fix things anymore, and yet it seems the only relationships where people stay together are abusive in this society.

 

The reason I can tell you this advice, is because in each breakup I have done the same things you have done. No matter how much I messed up though, they always came back, and you know why? History, kindness, compatibility, good conversation, friendship. You are not in denial of having been a good boyfriend, just as I am not in denial of having been a good girlfriend to someone. Sometimes, people aren't the best to themselves and so they cannot stick around for others and at this age this is more than likely happening. She wants you to comfort her, she still enjoys sex with you, but she cannot give you a commitment because she feels right now she cannot give more than what she is offering, friendship with intimacy. You cannot make your love make her see this because she is only thinking about what she feels and nothing can change a person's mind. The harder you try the more she will resent you, and you want her to make her own decisions from her own heart. Perhaps one day she will be able to see she was in a bad place and didn't have to push you away. Perhaps she may find someone else she finds she is worthy for and is tired of trying with the same person. Regardless of what happens you must love yourself enough to have no more expectations.

 

My current ex and I have broken up and gotten back together 4 times, with 2 times being only a few days, therefore not being real breakups. The third time, we had been broken up for 7 months, I found out he had been on the rebound, which made things incredibly painful and sticky, and went with my pride and told him to stay with her. 2 more months of no contact, they broke up and he came back. Two weeks ago, after a month of trying to reconcile, he goes back to saying he wants to be friends. It hurts endlessly, so I definitely know your emotions. But be strong, keep yourself to yourself and let yourself continue growing. Staying friends with her will be a mistake because you will end up neither friends or lovers in the end and hate each other. You can be friends or lovers in the future if you even feel the same when time passes. Right now though, you guys are going to ruin each other, but you will hurt the most because you want her back.

 

People who are kind-hearted will always suffer and they will always be rare. Compatibility is rare to get at such an age, so when people find it young, they are intimidated and would rather see if they can do better. This is how a lifetime of regrets is born. In the end, people who have suffered with a kind heart don't have any regrets because they have been through the pain and aknowledged that did all they could each time. Yet, people who threw things away will always have it because they took things for granted, and they will have to live with that too. Just stop showing her all this care and let her live her life too so that you both may grow into better people, because right now you are smothering each other. You are smothering her with your need to be with her when she doesn't want it. She is smothering you with her need to be comforted of her guilt for not wanting to be with you in the same way. Let time heal wounds and let yourself be you again and things can only get better regardless of the outcome.

[Muzatsu]

Oh I read your prior posts, and saw you were in a same sex relationship, sorry if I assumed you were a boyfriend -.-'' , however it doesn't change the overall experience parallels we have, or the advice I am giving. Please ignore mah assumptions.

[giraffeprint]

Oh I read your prior posts, and saw you were in a same sex relationship, sorry if I assumed you were a boyfriend -.-'' , however it doesn't change the overall experience parallels we have, or the advice I am giving. Please ignore mah assumptions.

 

Thank you much. I was going to mention the same sex thing but it's not important, and yes we are both 20 in our 3rd year of school. I never thought to see it in such a bigger picture of disposing . I definitely think you hit the nail on the head with that.

 

Shes in art school plus working full time so her stress levels are always heightened ( right again!). I realized

By being around all the time I was adding to that. She is the type to get completely consumed in her stress and that's one of her short term goals to change. I wanted to help her with this. I wanted when she had a long day at work, i could just take her out and clear her mind even if it was just for an hour. But we did spend unhealthy amounts of time together and it got dull quick. The "want" to see each other begin to feel more like an obligation. *

 

I think she thinks there's better out there . In our first relationship I treated her terribly ( I was an ignorant high schooler) and I vowed to do better if i got a second chance. She told me I treated her with the most care and respect that she's ever seen in me. She was so excited simply because I was interested in her art work.

 

I feel like we should've tried to rebuild our friendship before jumping back into relationship mode - something neither one of us were ready for . *

 

I definitely couldn't seriously do the friend thing , I noticed that last night it's just way too awkward and everything seems fake .

 

I think you're right about feeling like she can't offer me what I need . She has this idea that I want to soak up all her time and I need tons of excess attention - traits that applied in my earlier days - and that's probably been making us even less appealing . *

 

That's another thing she talks about wanting to see different ppl but she puts no effort into dating. She goes to school , work and then home and occasionally hangs with friends . It just doesnt add up! *

 

You've definitely helped me understand a lot. I know my response is kind of choppy , I wanted to respond to everything . *

 

I'll do my best with laying low and see what becomes of it . *

 

When I left her place this morning I wrote her a note on toilet paper lol telling her that I love her and hopes that she can meet the better me in the near future. She texted me later saying she loved me too and it was one of the sweetest things she's ever seen. I guess not sweet enough huh? *

 

NC - 30 days? 60 days? Maybe just minimal contact? What do you suggest? *

[Muzatsu]

Hey!

I'd suggest at least a 60 day period of NC. That is a good 2 months to get yourself out of a hole.

 

I made the same mistakes as you, when given another chance I wanted to jump right back into where I was comfortable, because for the last 7 months I was so lonely without him and loved him with all my heart despite him being such a jerk. We fell right back into I love yous and sex and I became the rebound of a rebound. I think we should of taken it slow and he should of had more time to process the breakup of the girl he rebounded with.

 

I was in NC for 47 days before we had met up again, fell back in, and he did the whole friends crap after crystal clearly not intending to be friends that whole month. I think he got scared of his feelings and withdrew.

 

I think in your situation she has to understand and deal with her stresses. You need to become more independent and see life on your own so you have more to offer. You need to also keep yourself busy, as she is ironically too busy to focus on you.

 

To be honest, after this blow in my relationship I went to a shrink and she said I should have a period of 6 months NC which I was scared about. However after all my heart has been through over this past year of yo-yoing I will have to oblige. You will see that NC will make you lonely at first but then you will be so much lighter as you reconnect with yourself.

[gluestick]

I agree 100%. Don't be a doormat b/c you're lowering your self-worth to her and to yourself. She's going to keep using you for sex until she finds someone else, then dump you immediately, and you find yourself heartbroken all over again. It's not that she's sure you guys aren't going to work out even if you tried again, it's that she just doesn't want you. It sucks, but that's life. The sooner you accept that, the faster you'll heal. Good luck!

[giraffeprint]

@Muzatsu you're right . I definitely need to get my life back and she needs to as well. I read somewhere that a relationship is about putting 2 wholes together, not 2 halves to make a whole. I'll definitely be keeping this in mind alongside all your kind words. 60 days sh

[giraffeprint]

@Muzatsu you're right . I definitely need to get my life back and she needs to as well. I read somewhere that a relationship is about putting 2 wholes together, not 2 halves to make a whole. I'll definitely be keeping this in mind alongside all your kind words. 60 days shouldnt be too bad, i already feel like i have a good mindset and my best foot is forward. Thank you so much. Means much more when someone has actually experienced unlike all my friends who just think I should get over her quick and get a new girl. Much Love!

 

 

@gluestick I appreciate your brutal honesty , I need that to stay realistic. I don't really believe she's using me I think she honestly is lost . I could just be being naive. Nonetheless I'll be keeping your advice in mind as well as you may end up being correct . Thank you !

[Rostik77]

Hey do you have a post on here ? I'd like to read it. Did you notice when you were messing up? Did you try to stop yourself? That's what sucks the most is because I know I did this to myself . Had I not been so consumed I would've been able to attacked the problem with a level head not my raging emotions.

 

Yes i have a lot about my BU and one about sex after BU but after i read it i didn't write the right thing so you'd get the wrong idea maybe? if you go to my profile you can find the posts i started about it. let me know or inbox me of what you think. thank you for taking the time to look into it, much appreciated.