Getting in contact with your ex after 5 years

[vanbutterfly]

Sometime I wonder about how my ex is, and what he is doing, what he is thinking, and what he thought about the years that we were together. I broke up with my first love ~4.5 years ago. It's been nearly 10 years since I first fell in love with him and I still feel that he is a part of me (I'm 27 now, he's 32).

 

I meet people sometimes (at work for example) that have similar traits to him (like his gorgeous eyes) and I feel kind of sad because it reminds me of him. I know I deserve all this because he wanted to be with me and marry me, and I was the one who broke up with him in the first place. He didn't want me back after I went crawling back after a few months. (serves me right).

 

Sometimes I feel like calling him and saying hi..hoping that he will be single. He got married about 9 months after we broke up.

 

Does anyone have any advice about contacting their ex and if it really is a good idea at all? I don't want to bother him in his life now which is why I don't call him now. I am in a relationship at the moment (figure... the guy I left my ex for..) and I can't believe how I can still love my ex so much after so many years. Does it go after a few more years, or do you just accept it? I don't feel desparate to call him. It's just a thought I get every now and again.

 

I don't know what to expect in our conversation anyway. I think maybe I just want to hear his voice and get a nice feeling.. but it really isn't worth it to disturb someone's life for that.

 

Any thoughts appreciated!

[fmfisdead]

Yeah I am not sure, I have heard you never get over your first love, and thats how I feel now with mine, except mine doesnt compare to your years. I think this may be a natural thing, maybe natural for all exes you have, who knows. If he got married, do you really think he got divorced? its kind of all up to you if you want to call him or not, but do you think your current boyfriend would approve? and do you really think you could leave him? just some thoughs.

[lady00]

I don't think you should contact him. What would it accomplish? If I were you, I'd assume he's still married. Don't blame yourself for the breakup...he wasn't right for you. I don't get how he could go off and marry someone else so soon after the breakup with you, especially since your relationship lasted much longer than 9 months. I think it's very strange that he could marry someone that he dated for such a short time, especially after being with you for so long.

I think you should just try and appreciate the boyfriend you do have and realize that the timing was off with you and your ex. You can't feel bad because you didn't want to be with him at that point in your life. Most relationships end and I think the best thing you can do now is NOT contact your ex and work on your current relationship, otherwise you will never move on. I guarantee that if you call your ex, you will be incredibly sad because he is very likely still with his wife.

Also, maybe this has more to do with the fact that you're unhappy with your current bf. It sounds to me like you would leave your bf in a second if your ex wanted you back. If this is the case then that's incredibly unfair to your boyfriend and I suggest you break things off. If you're not fully commited to your bf, and it seems that emotionally you're not, then I suggest letting him go.

[Cali411]

I was with a guy for 7 years and he out of the blue broke up with me over the phone. I was left feeling alone with no form of closure. I eventually found that within a few months of our break-up, he was with someone else...a woman who worked with him in the psychology department on his campus. I should have picked up on it when he would mention her name to me, about how great she was, and what neat things she brought to the planet. I never acted jealous or questioned his intentions about why he talked about her so much because I loved him and trusted him 110%.

 

Anyway, I stupidly contacted him about a year and a half later just to say 'hello' and the cliche "Long time no talk...how have you been" He took 3 weeks to respond to me and even then it was a half-ass response. During those 3 weeks I tore my self to pieces over what a mistake it was to have written him.

 

Two years after he wrote back to me I saw him in the airport on New Year's Eve. He was walking through the terminal, we locked eyes for a couple seconds and then he looked forward and kept walking. No hello for me!

 

I'm still confused over who I was with for those seven years. He was my first love and I thought he was my best friend. But he couldn't be honest with me towards the end. It hurts to know he thought of me as nothing more than an obstacle to getting some fresh ass from some other woman. I'm a * * * * ing human being! If he was that unhappy with our relationship, that he was able to throw it away over the phone, he sure hid it well.

[toughlife86]

yeah, my first love broke up with me a year ago!she wanted to remain friends but she left me for another and i wasnt ready to forgive her and stay friends with her for that matter. now a year has passed and am moving to a place closer to her. not for her but to study. sometimes i think i should contact her and tell her am fine being friends but the thought of getting rejected isnt cool. so id rather no run the chance of being rejected twice. plus she left me for another guy why did she wana stay friends. she defenetly isnt worthi it..

[D_Lish]

I think it's a bad idea and especially because you still talk of being in love with him. As far as you are aware, he is married....probably has kids now and you are in a relationship yourself. I suspect that you are wanting to contact him, not just to innocently catch up, but to see if there still may be anything there between you...it's treading on dangerous ground. He may be happy to hear from you, he may not.....and you are letting yourself for heartache, if he doesn't reply, or he doesn't want to know you after all this time.

 

I had an ex contact me after almost ten years. He'd been my 'first love' and we'd been engaged to be married at one time. He married soon after we split, so did I....then I moved away and didn't hear from him again, until as I said almost ten years later.

It was a total surprise to me, to have him contact me, because I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. And I had mixed feelings about him contacting and was unsure whether to mail him back. But anyway, I'd seen no harm in it and because such a long time had passed...so I'd mailed him. Thing is, I was married....and he told me, that he was still very married also. After a few emails were exchanged, in which he'd asked how I was, how life was treating me, that he'd thought about me all this time and wanted me to know he still cared...etc,etc...I decided to end the communication when he'd suggested meeting. I was MARRIED so was he....

 

Ironically however and while I decided to do the decent thing......my own H walked out on me for another woman, some time later. So hey, if I'd known that was gonna happen, I might as well have gone along to meet the ex!! LOL

 

Aint heard from him since....the ex that is.

[healthseeker]

Horrible! Can you contact him?

[D_Lish]

Horrible! Can you contact him?

 

Well I could try, but I don't think it would be the decent thing to do.

 

I live miles away from him, but my mum still lives in same town as he does....and it's a small town and news travels fast, so she gets to hear things. He's still married and he and his wife just recently bought a new home together. So his marriage sounds, like it is still going strong...

 

If however I heard that he was single again and in the future, then I might be tempted to contact...

[toughlife86]

hey d lish!did this your ex first love break up with you or did you break up with him? its funny someone told me one day that the past always comes back , and i think that is so true. exes always tend to get back in touch with you specially if they dumped you becasue there is a time in their lifes they are feeling bad and they go through all the relationships they had and seek comfort in someone that was once special to them. ive seen this happen a lot and ppl do talk about it on the forums. its amazing!

[D_Lish]

hey d lish!did this your ex first love break up with you or did you break up with him? its funny someone told me one day that the past always comes back , and i think that is so true. exes always tend to get back in touch with you specially if they dumped you becasue there is a time in their lifes they are feeling bad and they go through all the relationships they had and seek comfort in someone that was once special to them. ive seen this happen a lot and ppl do talk about it on the forums. its amazing!

 

Well sometimes he did the dumping, but I ended it for good. We met when really young and spent a year together, got engaged and things wern't working out. Then after one of many arguments, he dumped me. However, we got back together. Then it ended, then we got back, then it ended...lol and we ended up falling into a FWB situation...a full time relationship didnt work. The times we were not together, he'd see other women, I'd see other guys....but we always got back together. Anyway, I became tired of this situation, tired that he wouldn't committ to me. He couldn't seem to make up his mind, whether he wanted to be with me or not....many times he said he would move in to live with me and he didn't. So I sat him down one day and told him that I didn't see a future for us, that I didn't want to see him anymore. He wasn't happy, said he didn't want us to split....but I'd had enough. Shortly after, I heard he was with someone else, who became his future wife. However, he did try to get back with me and shortly after he met his future wife....but I'd met someone else myself. I moved away and ten years later, he came back...

 

A lot of old flames do end up coming back and I've read heaps on the web about it. I used to think, that I must have meant absolutely nothing to him....but when he came back, made me think differently...I obviously had and still do mean something to him...

[WithSomeLove]

Sounds like the guy you are with is a "settle" job. You want the first guy only b/c he seems better than your current man. Its called the 80/20 when you are with someone you see the 20% they lack and when you look back on someone or on someone new, you see that 20% they lack in them (which makes them appealing), not looking at what else might not be satisfying. Are you happy with your current relationship? If not, it is time to go. Do not be afraid of being lonely because being lonely for a year is not worth not being happy for the rest of your life.

[healthseeker]

Well I could try, but I don't think it would be the decent thing to do.

 

I live miles away from him, but my mum still lives in same town as he does....and it's a small town and news travels fast, so she gets to hear things. He's still married and he and his wife just recently bought a new home together. So his marriage sounds, like it is still going strong...

 

If however I heard that he was single again and in the future, then I might be tempted to contact...

 

Ahhh yes, the wife...sowwy, forgot!