Healing after he disappeared

[joyful]

I was with a guy for almost 5 months until our recent "break up" almost 3 weeks ago. He's a successful businessman in the area, 12 years my senior. I'm in grad school. He came on very strong at first and was very attentive for most of the relationship; he was chivalrous and always paid for everything. He had issues with showing me where he lived early on which was definitely a red flag for me. He had excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't know where he lived; experiences with crazy ex's damaging his property, no bed, messy house. I did see the house a few times but I'm not sure if it was really where HE lived. He claimed his baggage was being an only child and having this feeling of being alone in the world so I knew early on emotional walls would be an issue with him. He was married for 2 years, 10 years ago. He had a lot of female friends which I expressed my concerns about but he never really resolved those concerns. He's a local bar owner, so he's popular. I'm not the jealous type, but some female "friends" got into a car accident at 3am and decided to call him of all people for help. If these "friends" feel like they can call you at that hour, then I need to know them. During the whole 5 months, he never introduced me as his girlfriend to anyone, even though that's what we established I was to him early on. We both agreed to date each other seriously and monogamously. We saw each other regularly and he would stay over at least once a week. The issues came up when he would go out of town for leisure and business; his communication was inconsistent. I expressed to him on numerous occasions that communication was important but he would use being busy with work as an excuse. Especially when he would go out of town and return, a simple phone call or text while he was away or when he got back was all I ever asked for. He seemed to communicate just fine when he was in town, but when he would go out of town, communication just ceased to exist. So after the 2nd time, I met with him and confronted him about the lack of communication as well as some shady stuff I found on the internet about him. Yes, I did a background check; his inconsistency left me no other choice, plus, an idle mind is the devil's playground. He was open to answering my questions but there was still some confusion left in my head; things he had told me early on in the relationship didn't exactly line up with what he was saying. At this point, I was feeling emotionally detached and not wanting to be intimate with him. I expressed this to him and he didn't understand it. We continued to hang out a few days after this and he went out of town again for business but he never communicated with me when he was away or when he got back; he pulled the cowardly slow fade. I did not attempt to contact him at this point because I felt that as a grown man with a serious gf, he should have already known better and if he cared at all about me, he would have reached out. So left with no other choice, I sent a break up e-mail, which I hated to do, but I'm not the type to let things linger. It was nicely written and I didn't hit below the belt, I just let him know in short that it didn't seem like we both wanted the same things out of the relationship and that we needed to part ways before I got hurt. I already knew I'd be hurt, but I didn't think it would hurt this much. He never responded to the e-mail and hasn't until this day. It's been 3 weeks since I've sent it. I know he's alive and well, but he did tell me once that when he doesn't want to deal with anyone anymore, he ignores them, so this is all the "closure" I'll be getting. I don't want to be with him because he's not husband material, but I'm just feeling that I didn't mean very much to him at all since he disappeared the way he did. At this point, I'm trying to move on emotionally because I still have feelings for him (I hate that). I know it will get better with time, I just wish I could move on already. In efforts to help me move on, I took a weekend trip to the Caribbean last week, I've been working out, and I'm planning to take some dance classes this summer and travel some more. Just thought I'd share my story as I make my way through the healing process.

[michelemybell]

joyful, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I think you handled it well. Yes, you are correct--this guy has no integrity and not someone you can count on. With all of life's difficulties, you need someone you can really count on. Some women end up marrying a guy like this and having children and then they find out much later that they got a sheep in wolf's clothing. Consider yourself very lucky that you didn't learn the really hard way.

Use this as a lesson (a lesson most of us had to learn in a similar way): When a guy show's poor or suspicious behavior, trust your instinct and take those red flags and run! The more you let things slide, the more the guy knows he can continue on his merry way acting whatever way he wants and it will be you hurt in the end. Yes, I know it's hard to do---you keep on thinking back when he was all sweet and everything was wonderful and want to go back to that stage. You just have to come to the conclusion that it won't ever be that way again.

It will take some time to get over this guy but you're doing it in a very healthy way and I applaud you. Whatever you do, don't contact him.

[joyful]

Thanks so much for the reply michelemybell. NC has been tough at times but I've resisted. We were connected on IM and I've seen him in my buddy list over the last couple weeks so I know he can see me, but he hasn't even reached out through that. I've blocked him from IM and FB now. I don't want the reminders. I just feel like people make the time to do what they want to do, regardless of how busy they are. If he couldn't be considerate enough to send me a 5 second text while we were together, why would he now? I'm not sure of the kind of women he's dealt with in the past but I get the sense that they were the of the doormat species. Maybe they endured his bad behavior because he always paid or what ever, but wealth can only you get you so far in a relationship. When all the material things are disregarded, I have to think about him as a person and if this is someone I truly see myself with for the rest of my life. Clearly he didn't make the cut, so while it hurts a little now, I know it was the best for the long run.

[Aleina2011]

Joyful

 

A big hug and I am truly sorry you have to go through this. For what is worth you should be proud of yourself, you handled this in a very mature way. Hang in there, don't contact him and stay strong should you ever bump into him. I know it hurts being ignored, like we never existed, like we are worthless. But it seems like this guy has something to hide. It is him not you that has a problem. Tell yourself that you dogded a bullet.

[miss_sunshine86]

Welcome to the club - my ex disappeared too, several times, for the last time 6 weeks ago.

My ex also had severe communication problems - sometimes I wondered if he had aspergers.

You will forget him and move on but only if you force yourself too. Just think long term - not months but years, decades, do you see a future with someone who behaves like this? what if you got married, had kids? What finally allowed me to START letting go was the thought that I may feel bad now , but that is nothing compared to how I'd feel if I was pregnant, with child, had a mortgage. I know how horrible it feels though, mainly because our minds cannot comprehend how someone would even treat someone that way, mine can't. PM me if you wanna talk . x