For those of you who are married..

[Starkitty]

How did you feel when you first met your spouse? Did you have any dreams/signs or feelings that you would be together? or eventualy marry?

Were there times when you didn't think you'd be together? Did you get together straight away?

I just wondered if there was a way to reconise your soulmate and if people had the same kinds of signs/feelings to reconise the one they would marry.

Thanks

- Starkitty

[Scout]

Great question!! I hope a lot of people answer. (I've never been married, so can't.)

[Starkitty]

Thanks I hope somebody answers cos I really want to know.

[OldGuy]

Starkitty,

 

You don't seem to have many takers on your question. I'll tell you about my wife and I, but we are not very typical. BTW: I was your age when we met.

 

I asked her out the night we met; I was quite taken with her, mostly because she was easy to talk to. She said no. I later found out she was married. So, I just pretty much forgot about it. We still saw each other from time to time (she ran a theatre group I had joined just for something to do). But since she was married and I was not interested in playing that game that was it.

 

About six months after we met, she called me. Her husband had left the month before and she invited me to her place for supper. I stayed the night, and after 25 years she still jokes "when are you going home". We have not spent more than a few weeks apart in all that time.

 

I love her dearly and we have raised two kids and traveled the world together. We have been through the worst crap together and we have had the greatest joy together. Still, we are both extremely sexual people and sex is the bedrock of our relationship. When the sex is good the relationship is good when there is no sex we both suffer. As we age that is more her than me, I need less, she needs more.

 

But, I did know I had found the right person from the first time we spent together. And while I would definitely NOT recommend ours as a model for a relationship; it has worked out for us. But it took a lot of hard work.

 

There have been times both before and after we married that I thought we would not make it. And at times it has taken more effort to get through the rough spots than I can even describe. I would tell any couple that if they are not both willing to do a lot of work to stay together, they should not marry.

 

Finally, thank you, writing that actually helped me a lot with my own private demons.

[Starkitty]

Thank you so much for writting that! I hope more people will share thier stories.

[SecondChance]

My husband and I dated two years and were engaged for one year before we married. There was no "thunderbolt" for him, and I was the one who made the first move (through a friend). He thought I was nice, and "gave me a chance" (his words).

In my opinion, we had a short "honeymoon" stage and then entered a longer "power struggle" stage, where we argued all the time. While we both thought about ending things, our arguments were constructive because we both tried to listen to each others' sides, and always ended the arguments with "what should we do differently next time?" and even wrote it down if we had to.

Gradually, the "power struggle stage" calmed down and by the end of two years, I was ready to get engaged (he had felt ready for a long time). Neither of us felt like each other was the ONLY person on earth that we could be with - but that at that time and place, we were in love and it was practical to get married for a variety of reasons (we're both pretty practical people).

You know, I also read the posts here - and there seem to be many couples struggling with trust issues, cheating, breaking up and getting back together, that kind of thing. My husband and I have never had those issues - we try to be honest and open with each other, and have never come close to cheating. It may be because we were a bit older when we were dating than some of the couples here (in our mid 20s), and that we weren't into partying... I was also in therapy and had made a sincere commitment to working on my "issues" (and there were many), rather than acting them out in my relationships. My husband has also been in counseling.

Anyway, we have now been together nine years. I think the most important thing is that we understand and accept feelings in our relationships (let's just say - being attracted to someone else, since that seems to be a hot topic in these posts). However, we don't act on those feelings, but try to deal with them - either as an individual (e.g. maybe it's an issue that I need to work on by myself), or it's an issue that we need to work on within the relationship (e.g. maybe we've been disconnected lately). I'm not saying this is easy, or that we never fight, or that our relationship is perfect... because it isn't. And things can take a LONG time to figure out, so we have to be patient. But, we have managed to stay together and avoid (so far) a lot of the stuff that I read about here.

Hope that sheds some light.

[Starkitty]

Thank you! I'm hoping a pattern emerges so I know what to look out for.

[ComputerGuy]

This is definitely one of the most interesting questions I've seen, I'm rather interested too. Softcentred....it's not strange to feel like that, I was the same when I was ur age, and still am now, I'm now 19. So it's not strange at all (or I'm strange as well )

 

OldGuy, thats a pretty good story and it definitely seems to stray from what other people think would work, which is good, it makes for one hell of story down the track.

 

The good message here is that relationships are'nt perfect...far from it. A good relationship is based on love, trust and homesty.....however even with those, if you can't work through problems or stick it out when the proverbial hits the fan, than the relationship is likely to fail. Hard work and perseverance is the name of the game, and the reward far outweighs any negatives that are encountered along the way.

[OldGuy]

ComputerGuy,

 

I would not reccomend what we did to anyone else and it was very rough going at first. The first two years were very difficult, getting to really know each other, me getting out of the Air Force and starting another job, her divorce was not too emotional for her but the work to get it done was hard. Oh yeah and just before we announced our engagement, her father died.

 

We ended up living together sooner than we planned becasue her ex stopped paying the morgage on her house and we did not find out until it was six months behind. I had to move in because I could not pay my rent and help her. (I was really there all the time anyway, but we were waiting to "live togehter")

 

I had to learn to be a parent to two small kids; one of whom was severly ADD and needed therapy.

 

It worked for two reasons: First her marrage to her first husband had never been successful, he had spent the entire time on submarines and when he got out of the service she found they really didn't have anything. So while she was very lonley and emotionally needy it was not really a rebound relationship.

 

The second reason is that about two months in I realized that whet I was doing was REALLY STUPID, and that I should get out or realize I was in for a rough road. I decided at that time that I loved her and that I was willing take the lumps that went with the relationship.

 

There were a lot ot times we only made it because I refused to let it fail. I am actually rather proud of that. And the effort has come back to me many times over. We have been together for over 20 years, I love her a lot, she loves me, we have great kids and grandkids, and we still have great sex. But I would not recommend this as a way to start out.

[ComputerGuy]

Wow....thats a pretty inspirational story

 

Maybe not the best way to go about it, but in the long run I'd say it has only made you stronger, and that willingness to stick through it when it feels like its never going to get better is what makes or breaks a relationship.....I just wish more people realised this today, too many run at the first sign of trouble. Admittedly I ran in my first relationship....to another city no less....but not until it got well beyond the point of repair.