whyme1607307127 Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Why is it that everytime I get "close" to my boyfriend, he backs up.We've been together for 6 months and I love him and he says he loves me too. But why does he do this? I talked to him about this more then once. Eveytime, it gets better in the beginning, but after a while he just seems to forget. Does anybody have any idea of what I could??? thx 4 any comments/advice Link to comment
fmfisdead Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Well I think you need to have another talk with him, find out why hes doing this. Its not right at all, and there could be a lot of reasons why hes doing it, but I don't know what they are, and I could list what they would be, but there seems to be no point when you can just ask him. If he doesnt know, but says he will try to change, tell him that he said that before, and if hes going to make an honest effort then fine, give him another chance, but i think you should let him know you can't handle this sort of treatment, and let him know you might want to leave the relationship. I mean i dont know how big of a deal it is, but I guess this is what i would do, pm me and let me know what happens. hope this helped. Link to comment
princesa Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Hello there, I wanted to post another topic in another place, but when I saw your post, I just wanted to comment. That's how I feel. WHY on earth does it have to be like that. When I was still hesitating, my boyfriend wanted the biggest commitment and closeness...now that I'm close, he's backing off...I feel like whenever I get too close = I get too available and stop being distant and thereforeeee become unattractive. Communication's totally blocked now. It's like a rollercoaster. We used to get really close communicating, but it seems to be a passing state, it's like no lasting trust can be built. Last week we were in love ( I suppose) and talking serious, now we're breaking up. I've thought it might be because 1) it's a game, pull closer-pull apart 2) I've really made myself too available by learning to be understanding 3) he has some psycological problems and can't commit - yes, he wants to, but cannot I don't now. But I'd like to know, why can't the state of trust be continued. Princesa Link to comment
whyme1607307127 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Share Posted September 30, 2004 yup!...lol I guess we have the same problem.... do you think it would be better to break-up or keep living like this?(the way the relationship "works"....) I really don't want to lose him, he helped me go through so much over the las couple of months, but now he things are just so different!.... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 He is a young guy and he most likely is hesitant about expressing himself. Its just some thing that younger guys have to go through, if it is a problem for you then realize that most guys around your age will go through the same kind of problem. Link to comment
whyme1607307127 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 so am i supposed to just wait until he grows up? hes 23....or should i just let him go(even though i really want to be with him...)?!? Link to comment
sbrew21 Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Guys go through cycles. They reach intimacy and then they need to back off. Everytime you try to have a "talk" with him every time he backs off its going to cause you to painc and get more frustrated. I think you need to let him have his space when he goes through this phase. He will come back. What happens is guys lose themselves when they get in a relationship and just need be left alone to figure things out. If you truly want to be with him I would give him his space. I mean still talk to him about everyday stuff but don't tell him "we need to talk" because that is only going to push him away. When he acts like that just go out with your friends, let him be with his boys and do your own thing. They will snap out of it and come back even stronger. Don't get upset, or frustrated, just become independent and see what happens. I think you guys will be ok, especially if you both say that you love each other. Keep your chin up, he will come around. Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 I think the ladies here should read the book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I can tell you with complete confidence that this book saved my relationship a couple of times. It basically teaches us (well, women predominantly), about how men communicate and how they express and act out love. sbrew21 has hit the nail on the head with everything he's said. After three serious relationships, I've learned that when a man pulls away and seems withdrawn, 90% of the time it has nothing to do with you and it's just something he needs to do, as a man, to figure things out on his own. Men are not like us ladies - we talk to feel closer. Men don't need or want to do this all the time as we do. If they're stressed or have something on their mind, they get quiet and pull away emotionally. I promise you one thing: if you respectfully give him the time he needs to figure out his own issues without you asking him over and over again, "what's wrong? Can I help? I want to help!", he's going to come back to you each time, being more loving and considerate than he was before. Men are just as hormonal as females sometimes, but they manifest it differently than we do. If you feel that your man is starting to pull away from you, remember to trust that he'll be back. Trust that he can deal with things on his own, don't attempt to help (as most women instinctively do). Offering help to a man who is trying to figure out something stressful will make him feel like less of a man, or like he is incapable of finding solutions on his own. If you trust him and give him the space he needs, he'll love you for it. Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 Ok ladies - I pulled out my copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, written by John Grey. Here is a paragraph from the chapter: "Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk". I think it can really benefit you and bring you some hope and insight here, but I strongly suggest picking up a copy of your own - I've read mine twice. "One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's need for feeling good are different from a woman's. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships." Furthermore, Dr. Grey says this: "When a man gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another man with his problems unless his friend's assistance was absolutely necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his "private cave" to think about the problem, mulling over it to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting invoved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain." Dr. Grey has a Ph.D and is a certified family therapist. In other words, this guy knows his crap!! Good luck everyone, I hope you find this useful! Link to comment
Leslii Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Men like to chase. If you are to easy for him, where is his thrill. It seem so stupid but people like what they can't have. (or hard to get) Back off and keep back. Make him come around. Play hard to get it always works!!! Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 MY OPINON IS ur guy is immature. he needs to grow up but on his own terms. my ex is 22 & practically purposed to me! then 3 days afterwards he broke up w/ me bc he needs to 'grow up' YEAH DAMN STR8 HE DOES! & if ur 17 ur bf prolly isnt much older, but he def needs to get his head on str8 the guys u meet are commitment phobic & its tuff being ready at ur age & finding guys who simply arent....trust me hun, im RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!! this will more than likely happen again if u keep choosing the wrong kinda guys. we all do it! & it sucks!!! i wish all guys came with a stamp on their F'in foreheads branded on them saying: "in for the long haul, fun for a little while, & dont even bother." imagine how much easier itll be on us... id say to him: "u know what the more i come towards you the more u seem to back away & i refuse to chase after you. go, be on your own..." a smart girl leaves before she is left. i wish i did! rowr!!! but yea u got plenty of time ahead of u, life is all about a process of elimination. it sucks but its true... goodluck, it takes a confident person to do wat u should do... sometimes it takes a strong person to hold on, but an even stronger person to let go.. -DG724 Link to comment
sereneangel20 Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 I totally understand you guys because I just posted something of that nature a few minutes ago before I read this! I hate it, i dont knwo if hes doing this because hes afraid to get close to me because of what his ex did to him. Or if he only wants me when he feels like it! I cant deal with it much longer about ready to end it if he doesnt talk to me within the next couple days Link to comment
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