Am I sick in the head?

[ElChup]

It's been over two and a half years since the break up, and nearly two years since our reconciliation attempt ended. In summary it was a three and a half year relationship, during which we lived together, got engaged, etc. I got the boot originally months before the wedding. Indeed, the reconciliation attempt ironically took place during the months the wedding would have been. With are both quite mature (both approaching 40 now) so we maintained a civil communcation after the break up and met from time to time over dinner.

 

Anyhow, all this time has passed and I am doing my utmost to move on. I barely talk to her or see her anymore (despite originally agreeing to be friends) as I ultimately decided that it was in my best interest to do so. If anything it's only really her that initiates any communication, and even then the most I have with her is the odd message on Facebook. I've seen her about 3-4 time in the past 18 months, even though she lives fairly close by, so it's not like she is a permanent fixturein my life.

 

Most of the waking day I feelover her. But I find that I often dream of her...and these dreams can be about all manner of things. Sexual, getting back together, basic romance. It can be any. So I am sure you know what that means. When I wake up, she is back on my mind again and I long for her.

 

All this time has passed and people tell me I should have moved on. Hell, it is years since I last posted on here because I told myself I should just try and push on. But these blasted dreams won't go. I am a person who always goes out and gets what he wants. But this is frustrating me because the one person my brain is telling me I want is not a realistic possibility. It's affecting my ability to see other women as attractive, and holding me back from starting a relationship with someone else because, quite simply, these dreams start again and all I am thinking about is the ex.

 

I really don't know what to do. So, I just figured I'd sound off and see if I am some sort of abnormal weirdo.

[Minx2012]

Breakups are never easy and there is no definite, standard time to get over them either. Many people would like to get over their exes as soon as possible but emotions always curtail the process. However, sometimes I think that it's good to grieve on your OWN time so long as it's not affecting the quality of your life. In this case, it IS affecting the quality of your life bc thoughts / dreams of her stop you from seeing other women for who they are or enjoying yourself while dating.

 

Maybe it's time to see a professional. It doesn't mean that you are sick in the head...it just means that if you've exhausted all advice from friends, family etc, then a professional therapist might be able to help.

[markie6]

Most of the waking day you feel over her I think that the dreams could be consequence of you not having moved on totally.

 

Could it be that the intermittent contact over this period of time has caused you to heal a lot slower. Everybody heals at a different pace, so definitely not weird. Took me 3 years once. Dreams I have no clue about .

 

It could be time to call in the proffessionals

[Mashed Potato]

This is an issue that Minx2012 has already indicated that a professional therapist might be able to assist you with.

 

I was in a very similar situation to yours, and in the end i did seek help as the more it went on the more i felt uneasy in my own skin.

Using the term "sick in the head" is probably not the best way to refer to it though lol.

 

Even now, i still think about my ex (and dream of her sometimes)but i don't get that hollow sinking feeling in the gut when i do.

I no longer ponder about what she is doing, is she thinking of me, does she miss me etcetera etcetera.

 

One thing i did do, and whilst it seemed "drastic" at the time was I did get rid of facebook (in hindsight, getting rid of facebook was a good thing allround)

 

I won't go into the advice that my psych gave me as it will be different for everybody, but i will say it was a good decision and there was a realisation that it was other issues in my life that were manifesting themselves through the constant thought of my ex (after years).

 

MP

[charity]

i would say that you have some unfinished business that your head is trying to process at night. have you dealt with all the issues of the break up? the whys and hows? have you figured out your part in the demise of the relationship as well as yours? did you get closure? all these things are things that need to be figured out in one way or another. if you don't do the work consciously then it seems your mind will do it subconsciously through dreams at night time.

[Minx2012]

 

One thing i did do, and whilst it seemed "drastic" at the time was I did get rid of facebook (in hindsight, getting rid of facebook was a good thing allround)

 

 

This is actually the BEST thing that people can do. I never understood why people would go on NC but still keep their exes on FB! FB is worse. It provides a window to their daily lives everytime they update their statuses or whenever a friend comments on their walls. I told my current boyfriend now that since I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, IF we are to ever break up, I would just get rid of my FB altogether. I probably would stay away for months to years until I can live again without him. OR, just start a brand new page with new friends that indicate the changes in your life.

[ElChup]

Breakups are never easy and there is no definite, standard time to get over them either. Many people would like to get over their exes as soon as possible but emotions always curtail the process. However, sometimes I think that it's good to grieve on your OWN time so long as it's not affecting the quality of your life. In this case, it IS affecting the quality of your life bc thoughts / dreams of her stop you from seeing other women for who they are or enjoying yourself while dating.

 

Maybe it's time to see a professional. It doesn't mean that you are sick in the head...it just means that if you've exhausted all advice from friends, family etc, then a professional therapist might be able to help.

 

I suppose I am reluctant. I am not working at the moment and can't really afford counselling. I also did it for a couple of months soon after the final break up. It has been about 18 months now since I did it.. Maybe it's time for more, but I have to get back into work before it can happen - and right now the problem still exists.

 

The other think that makes me hesitant is that I am a very stubborn person. Once I get an idea or objective in my head it's difficult to change it. With these dreams it feels like my head is still telling me to go and get her back, which is obviously completely conflicting with the more logical and objective view of things, which tells me to move on for my own good. I know that if the dreams were to stop I'd pretty much be past it. It's not like I sit around anymore during the waking day wondering what she is doing, etc.

[ElChup]

Most of the waking day you feel over her I think that the dreams could be consequence of you not having moved on totally.

 

Could it be that the intermittent contact over this period of time has caused you to heal a lot slower. Everybody heals at a different pace, so definitely not weird. Took me 3 years once. Dreams I have no clue about .

 

Maybe the contact has slowed things, I can certainly entertain the notion. But I am simply not the sort of person to just cut someone off. Neither was she (hence the fact that she still checks on me from time to time). So maybe there is some unconscious element to that connection. I don't know. I just don't feel it's something I am ever likely to go back to and if she turned up on my doorstep tomorrow and suggested giving it another go, there is a strong possibility that my head would beat my heart and I would turn it down. So, I suppose why I am here, writing this thread is that I just don't know if this is ever going to go.

 

If I see a counsellor again, and the dreams still surface, what then?

[ElChup]

 

One thing i did do, and whilst it seemed "drastic" at the time was I did get rid of facebook (in hindsight, getting rid of facebook was a good thing allround)

 

 

Getting rid of Facebook isn't really an option. Our lives became very intertwined and so I'd have to get rid of about half my friends in order to cut her out. Plus, quite a few of my friends are abroad and it provides a forum to keep up with them, so I can't really just quit it altogether. I don't spend much time on it and don't post status updates, etc. So my use of it is minimal. That seems to be my most realistic option.

[ElChup]

i would say that you have some unfinished business that your head is trying to process at night. have you dealt with all the issues of the break up? the whys and hows? have you figured out your part in the demise of the relationship as well as yours? did you get closure? all these things are things that need to be figured out in one way or another. if you don't do the work consciously then it seems your mind will do it subconsciously through dreams at night time.

 

I just don't know what more there is to work through, that's the problem. As far as I am concerned during the waking day I have gotten through most of it.

 

As for closure, I'm not sure I ever really know what that word meant.

[markie6]

Ah ok , that makes a little more sense then, the fact you aren't sure which way you would go if the situation arose. If it makes you feel better it took me 3 years once to be fully over somebody , without the dreams though.

 

In the past I had trouble cutting people out, worked out that is what had caused me extra problems and acted accordngly. Obviously a lot of people cannot for a multitude of reasons. It is the best way to really move on though. Dreams, not a clue sorry

[charity]

I just don't know what more there is to work through, that's the problem. As far as I am concerned during the waking day I have gotten through most of it.

 

As for closure, I'm not sure I ever really know what that word meant.

 

well i know for me dreams are a huge part of showing things i am feeling but perhaps do not always face up to in real life.

 

for example my mom is very a domineering woman. she thinks i should act and be exactly how she is, and will get frustrated with me about many things that do not involve her in my life. we actually are very good friends but quite frankly if i'm honest with myself, i am still a bit scared of her at 34 years of age. the last week i have had 4 dreams that i am shouting at her, telling her get out of my life, and i am really horrible to her in my dreams. this is showing me that this issue is something that i have to address some time soon. my subconscious WANTS to address it. whether i address it by dealing with it in my head or address it by talking to her, it doesn't matter. but i have to think of a way to resolve it somehow.

 

when i broke from my ex i dreamed about him so often. i would wake up drained. its now been 2 years. i don't dream about him anymore. but i have done a LOT of reflecting in that relationship. i realized all MY wrongdoings, my patterns, his wrongdoings, his patterns. i've truly accepted and been happy for the break up.

for me closure came when all the 'why it didn't work' questions were answered. then all the dreams stopped.

 

if i was you i would really analyse these dreams, the feeling you have in them, the feelings towards her(love? resentment? sadness?)

have you any guilt or confusion about the relationship etc. really dig deep. this may be enough to stop the dreams.

[ElChup]

I can answer all of the questions about what went wrong, why it didn't work, what my faults were, what hers were and why it probably still wouldn't work now. I know the answers already, but still the dreams come.

 

It's almost as if some sort of animal instinct inside me just won't tolerate the failure and keeps pushing me to go get what my heart wants (or thinks it wants).

 

Maybe I should write about it. I write for a hobby. Maybe it's an idea to put these things down on paper. Get them out in the open.

[quirky]

Hey ElChup, I'm pretty sure I remember you from before!

My reconciliation failed too 5 months ago, lasted 13 months

I haven't got any amazing advice just that I was like that too first time I split up with the ex, something in me just wouldn't let go. He was like that too that's why we got back together..

Have you managed to date? Do you feel like you have 'failed' regarding this relationship? What is it you feel in your heart of hearts?

[ElChup]

Have you managed to date?

I'm finding it very hard. I have signed up to a dating website, but I am finding it very difficult to motivate myself on it.

Do you feel like you have 'failed' regarding this relationship?

Absolutely.

What is it you feel in your heart of hearts?

That my life would only be moving forward with her in it - but my head knows that is not enough and knows I have to move beyond it. I feel, for the first time in my life, utterly directionless. I feel as if it's screwed me up to the point where my life is ticking by and I am not doing anything with it due to these damned dreams and resulting emotions.

[quirky]

I feel for you. I'm in a similar position, so difficult to really let go. To accept that he is not my man any more or part of my life, it's like a joke. I also feel incredible anger towards him that doesn't seem to subside quickly..and like you, quite directionless. Do you think it's because you don't WANT to imagine a future without her?

I understand the not being able to date. But may I ask..why do you feel that you failed? Particularly since you tried reconciliation.

[ElChup]

The feeling of failure comes from no longer having what I wanted. There are plenty of things in my life that I have wanted and I have gone out and gotten them. I very much have a "can get anything if you work hard enough" attitude. But the fact that I just couldn't seem to make this work, despite wanting it more than anything else in the past, seems to me to be a failure.....and one that I cannot correct.

 

I don't feel anger towards her, I think I have gotten past that now.

 

As for the future, I can now imagine a future wothout her per se. I think what I am struggling to imagine is a future alone. It is not a desirable scenario for me. Plus, I wanted to be married by now, and I wanted it to be someone like her, if not her herself. I know everyone says it, but she really is a hard act to follow. Not just as a person, but also because of the added dynaimcs to the relationship that does not always exist in other relationships (such as cross cultural elements and so on), which caused me to invest a lot of additional time and energy into it. I suppose I feel cheated out of the hard work I put in and feel that maybe, ina certain sort of way, I have eanred and should have my happiness. Does that make sense?

[markie6]

The feeling of failure comes from no longer having what I wanted. There are plenty of things in my life that I have wanted and I have gone out and gotten them. I very much have a "can get anything if you work hard enough" attitude. But the fact that I just couldn't seem to make this work, despite wanting it more than anything else in the past, seems to me to be a failure.....and one that I cannot correct.

 

I want you to look at that statement again. It's important that we all realise, there are things that cannot work, other people are involved and we cannot force them to be with us. I hope you don't drag that around with you. We all try and get what we want, and to be happy. Sometimes we just cannot have it.

[ElChup]

I want you to look at that statement again. It's important that we all realise, there are things that cannot work, other people are involved and we cannot force them to be with us. I hope you don't drag that around with you. We all try and get what we want, and to be happy. Sometimes we just cannot have it.

 

Yes,I am aware of this. But that does not mean however much I am aware of it, the emotions are not still there creeping up on me.

[markie6]

Yes I understand completely, I know the feeling. In harsh times like this, although I am heartbroken, I know I tried my best. That's at least what I try and convince myself as I am picking up all the pieces.

[quirky]

Do you know how she feels? Has she dated other people..? What are the things that your 'head' says, why was it right to split up?