Is my girlfriend too 'clingy' or is it me?

[Davey99]

Hi

 

I'm not sure where to start or how much detail is needed, but if anyone can offer their honest opinion on this I'd appreciate it.

 

I've been going out with my girlfriend now for about 7 months. Basically she wants to spend all the time possible with me and when I tell her I'm going to be doing something else on x day, she'll go into one and sulk for a day or two...

 

It might sound silly but can you guys tell me if I spend enough time with her or not... I see her about 5 hours on Sunday, 5 hours on Monday, 1 to 2 hours on Tuesday, 15 minutes (at work) on Wednesday, Ring her on Thursday night, 1 to 2 hours Friday and 1 to 2 hours on Saturday.. Most of the other time is spent me at work and her at collage.

 

I think it sounds odd to be asking this but I'd really like to know because she gives me such a hard time when I, for example, call her from work on Friday and tell her I won't be coming round on the night.. She actually 'tuts' and 'moans' at me... It's really stressing me out.... And next week we are BOTH off work at the same time for a week...She thinks we will be spending 24/7 together....

 

Before I met her I was single for about 4 years and was quite happy..I do like time to myself so I'm worried that I might not be spending enough time with her.. I do care for her a lot and want to be with her, but sometimes it feels I don't have enough 'me' time...

 

I've told her I like my space and have one or two other friends I'd like to see but it has never sunk in (after 7 months).

 

I take her out I spend money on her, I pay for most of everything we do together - I never bring this up with her as I don't really see it as an issue but I'm just pointing out to you that I do treat her right.

 

I just really would like to know if she's being too clingy or whatever, or is it me being selfish? I am commited to the relationship and am faithful completely.

 

If you are still awake after reading all that, I'd be very grateful for any advice.

 

Thanks

Regards

Dave

[PrettyHott]

well if your getting annoyed, tell her to stop it. say that you cant spend all the time with her that she wants, tell her you need your own time too. and maybe hang for 10 hours a week. or something. lol dis just advice dont worry. if you like it, use it. but no your not being selfish, your just really upset. go relax for a day. take a day off, maybe relax and watch tv, play some games, or hang with friends. have it your way for a day. maybe a week. tell her she needs to get out of the house more, too.

 

monica

[rusty_boi]

ok well i used to have a girl worse then that i went out wit hand she was obsessed with me, i broke up with her cause of it so i noe how u feel , anyway you need to tell her that you do have friends and things you want to do wothout her and that all your time doesnt need to eb spent with her, tell her you still like/love her the same as always but want to do stuff on your own and she is going to have to get used to it. she might sulk and stuff but you have to be strong if she likes/loves you enough shell do it for you

[OceanEyes]

Hey Davey,

 

First off, let me tell you that you are not being selfish. Even if you were to spend as much time with her as she wanted, you would be depriving yourself of your own needs. I can understand 100% the need to have time to yourself and away from her. It's not selfish at all, it's realistic and healthy.

 

Just to give you some hope (that not all women are this clingy), my roommate and his girlfriend practically only see each other on weekends. They both have very busy lifestyles and prefer their own apartments during the week. They love spending the weekends together, but on weeknights when they're tired and spent from working all day, they just want to go home, sit on the couch and have some time to themselves. Nobody gets hurt or complains.

 

You're in a tricky position. I can tell that with the type of girl your woman seems to be, that if you try to gently explain to her the importance of spending time alone or with other friends, that she's going to take it very personally and whine even more. She'll probably think that you just don't want to be around her or that you don't love her. Sometimes girls like this just don't change, I'm sorry to say.

 

If you can, just try to have a face-to-face talk with her and be as gentle as possible when you explain this to her. Say all kinds of nice, lovey things before, during and after you tell her that you truly value having your own space and some freedom to see other friends without her objecting to it all the time. Tell her that although you love and cherish her, you feel like you lose your sense of self when you don't do things that are just for you. If she still groans and doesn't make an effort to understand, then I'm sorry, but it looks like you're in for a hell of a bumpy ride with her. Sometimes clingy people are just that way and it never changes.

[shes2smart]

Wow. Doesn't she have any of her own interests or own friends she would like to spend time with? She needs to have a life outside of the relationship with you.

 

It seems like a bit much to me, but I've always been very independent and a bit of a loner, anyway.

 

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you're attached at the hip. I can understand her wanting to spend time with you, but when it starts being a demand on her part and feels like an obligation on your part, something's not quite right.

 

You may be a couple, but that does not make you some sort of two-headed being. The best relationships are formed by two whole, complete people who are, together, greater than the sum of their parts -- but are each still whole, complete people in their own right. Unfortunately, we've been sold on the idea of "our other half".... a half-person plus a half-person to make a couple is not healthy for either partner.

 

I saw it illustrated in a book called "Singling" years ago. ("Singling" -- as in a guide on how to be happily single)

 

Popular culture/romantic notions of a relationship looks like this:

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

 

A friendship with someone (same sex or opposite sex) looks like this:

1 + 1 = 1 + 1

 

A healthy love relationship looks like this:

1 + 1 = 1+ 1 + 1 - you're both still separate, but together there's an added dimension...neither of you loses the essense of yourself to be with the other.

 

It's not selfish to want some time to yourself or to want to maintain relationships with your friends. My thought on friends is this: they were there before the love interest was around, and they'll still be there if the love interest leaves....they deserve some of my time and attention. Does that mean go hang with them every night? No. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do anyway. I'm guessing all you want here is a little time to yourself to just be alone, and an ocaisional night out with your buddies, right? Not much to ask, and a healthy relationship is flexible enough to accommodate that for both partners.

 

There are multiple reasons she could be pouting and giving you crap over this. You might need to do some investigation and figure out what the real reason is. Just a few examples: she'll be bored if you're not around (in some cases, one party has an expectation that the other party will fill their time and entertain them), she's afraid you might meet someone else and fool around, she's insecure and wants that daily reassurance from you. Your response will need to address the real reason, otherwise it will continue to be an issue.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s[/b]

[Davey99]

Hi

 

Thanks very much for your replies... I've taken all the advice onboard and will wait for the right time to sit down and have a talk with her...

 

Thanks again

 

Dace

[Serendipity1607307077]

I kinda know what your girlfriend is going through. I love spending time with my boyfriend, and seeing that I don't have many friends of my own, it means that I am spending a lot of time with him and his friends.

 

I realise that he needs space, but I am 17 so I can't really go anywhere by myself, like to pubs etc, until I am 18. This means that I usually stay around him a lot. He says that he doesn't mind me hanging around, in fact he enjoys the fact that I will hang out with his friends and play poker etc.

 

Just remember that your girlfriend may be going through something similar to me??

 

I don't mean to be so clingy...it's also because my family has moved away from me too...and I have never loved anyone so much as my boyfriend, in fact we have been together for 9 months now... I guess that's another reason why I am always hanging around him...

[Scout]

If I was in a very committed and exclusive relationship, that would not be enough time for me. I'd definitely like some evenings where we could go out and he could stay over.

 

It sounds like you and your girl-friend have different needs and expectations that conflict with each other's. Can you two sit down and talk this out and come to some kind of compromise? Ask her flat out what would be an ideal amount of time to spend together. Get specifics. Then work from there...either you can make that time for her, or explain that you can't quite do that much, but how about an alternative...you get the idea.

[AlleyCat]

If I was in a very committed and exclusive relationship, that would not be enough time for me. I'd definitely like some evenings where we could go out and he could stay over.

 

It sounds like you and your girl-friend have different needs and expectations that conflict with each other's. Can you two sit down and talk this out and come to some kind of compromise? Ask her flat out what would be an ideal amount of time to spend together. Get specifics. Then work from there...either you can make that time for her, or explain that you can't quite do that much, but how about an alternative...you get the idea.

 

I agree with the above post. I don't think either of you is "wrong;" you just need to reach some kind of a compromise. Some couples spend a great deal of time together while others don't - I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it either way as long as it works for the individual couple.

 

My b/f and I used to see each other on weekends, and meet for dinner once during the week if we could. We were both busy and that amount of time was acceptable. We also talked every night, which I think helped.

 

You definitely need to see if you can find out what she thinks is an acceptable amount of time to spend together, and figure out exactly how much time you would prefer to spend with her and see if you're both willing to meet somewhere in the middle. She's not being too clingy, and you're not being selfish - you just have different expectations and need to work through them.

[justagirl20f]

Oh you're prolly seeing her enough DAYS... but what kind of quality time are you spending? dont get me wrong some girls are just clingy and this might be the case, but perhaps rather than running in and out (which 1 to 2 hours basically is) 4 or 5 times a week, try seeing her only 2 or 3 times a week or something for longer periods. You should be spending the odd saturday or sunday together.

 

My bf and i see each other less than i have ever seen any bf of mine before but i feel more secure because the time we spend together is quality.

 

good luck!

[Vanilla]

I definitely see where your girl is coming from. My boyfriend and I see eachother EVERYDAY. We are both VERY picky about friends, because we had a lot of the same friends and they all turned out to be not the best of people and thats how we came together and have been best friends/lovers since. He spends the night EVERY fri-sun and on any days he has off work/school. I remember one night he decided to go home on friday and I got kind of mad, but then i was like "why the hell am I mad?". Well simply because I love him somuch if it were up to me we'd spend more time together which is nuts cause we spend so much time together as it is lol. I let him go home that night wihtout a fight and then he's never gone home on another fri night since. Because he loves it when we spend our free time together. He has a really hard time finding guys his age that he can relate to or have much in common with other than sports. So we are more than happy to be with eachother because we'll always know we're in good company and are not risking a bad time. We each have two or one really good friends and enjoy being with them together. It's about quality time. It's about loving the same things and enjoying things together. It's not that she's too clingy or that you're too selfish. You two just have to figure out what the both of you want from eachother, and compromise. If there is no communication, it's never going to work out. Good luck! I hop eyou guys figure something out, keep us posted.

[tea]

Different people have different needs for personal space and different thought process... according to my Env Psych Prof., that's what makes it so hard for an individual who embraces personal space to have a relationship with an individual who feels the need to bond... also works with the road situation: "Are you the type of person that likes having directions instead of, 'TURN HERE, that little red house!'? Then don't date someone that likes the latter."

 

It might be that individual difference that makes it hard for you and your girlfriend to communicate. Maybe you can tell her the difference in your need for private space, and hopefully she'll understand and compromise with you.

 

 

As of me, I'm lucky! Both my boyfriend and I luv private space so much we only want to see each other twice a week on weekends.

[reborn]

HI there Davey,

Sorry to hear you are having disconfort over your girlfriends demand of your time and space. I know this feels very frustrating to you, like a catch 22 of sorts and you may not how to better deal with this at times withoug causing your self to feel deprived of what you really rather do, or causing her to go bizerk if you actually do it. I used to have the same issues with my last boyfriend. It seems to be a very common situation in relationships, that one demands becomes sort of clingy and the other feels suffocated by the lack of space. It usually also happens that there is no easy way to go about correcting this because the more you move away, no matter how casually and softly you do it, or even if you straight out talk about need for boundaries, the more she will persue and cling.

As I told you before I was in the same situation in my last relationship. However, I was on the side of your girlfriend. I was the clingy person in the relationship. At the end things did not work out between us, but this was due to a combination of many factors, and not the space issue. However, the space issue was something that after a breakup (and going back together) I was able to learn about and became something that we learn to deal with and overcome. I was able to be ok having him away and not want to be with him or cling to him 24\7.

 

What was really helpful to me was an ebook I bought at a website called link removed It was like 10$ only and you can buy it online. They have several and I don't remember which one it was. It was also really helpful to read through the q and a's in that site. I think there is a section on the space issue. It doesn't directly say q and a on the main page, it may be something more like love advice or answers to readers questions or something like that then the link iwll open up.

 

The need for space and clinginess is called a polaritation. It is very common in relationships. Sometimes in the same realtionship over time or with a different partner the roles may shift as you may be the one that becomes clingy, with someone whos need for space at a particular time is greater than yours. Even if some couples don't go through that particular issue, they go through others such as conflicts one being extroverted the other introverted, one being stingy the other an overspender, one being very ambitious, the other really laid back. etc, those are all poralizations that play out the same way as the need for space need for attention thing. The problem is not your relationship or your girlfriend in your case, or you in hers. It is a matter of learning to take care of our own needs, of doing some inner growth that she eventually may need to do and you maybe also. When I started reading that other couples went through this and that I had to do some learning in taking care of my own inner needs and do some growing up and learning to know my self and my partner better I was able to stop being judgemental, blaming and clingy. It also helped TONS to know my bf personality better through reading about personality types and romantic relationships in that same website. I did further reading on that topic and I was able to understand and learn to see that my bf need for space didn't mean he was rejecting me.

 

Relationships are all about communication, but the right type of it. It is not about being judgemental, becoming defensive or fleeying to scape, even if sometimes things get so exasperating that is the easiest most tempting thing to do, though in your case it still seems preety early that you can problably do something about it. Relationships are more of an educational process. When we are faced with this type of challenges specially if we value and love the person we are with it is well worth a try to use these issues and problems as way of getting to know our selfs and our bf or gf better and just grow together and thereforeeee make our relationship stronger.

 

REad this website and have your girlfriend read it. Buy that men are from mars women are from venus book. You may never have considered it and it may not be helpful for all, but I think in your case having gone through the same situation and going from clingy gf to understading gf and giving my bf more than enough space it will be helpful. Buy her that mars venus book right away. You may be doing so much for your relationship that way instead of just getting frustrated. Sometimes, talk is not enough, as it may not be the right type of language we are using on our partners, the one that can get us the results we need or the message we really want to get accross. Yes, it should be simpler but all that have been in relationships know that it isn't always. It is just the nature of romantic things, eventually we all face challenges, it is live. We were not giving a loves users manual though. REad, read, read all you can about relationships, I guarantee it will help you go through this challenge and have a stronger one.

Best of luck to you,

Reborn