Lonely, depressed, not doing too well

[stifled]

I don't know why I am writing this here, I guess it is a cry for help like many others. Where to start? I am a 30 year old male and have only been involved with one woman when I was 26. That was a very short lived affair and it turns out she was a married woman who just used me and broke my heart. I've never really had a great life, countless problems which never seem to go away. I have seasonally affected disorder, suffer from depression and get suicidal thoughts. I have unsightly permanent keloid scars on my shoulders and scars on my back and chest for almost 15 years now. When I was a teenager I had the most hideous acne/gland infection which totally crippled my confidence and though it has cleared up from my face I still get some and have the unsightly scars on my torso. Outside of my parents nobody seems to really care about me. Even my father used to be violent until one day I literally threatened to kill him to finally stand up to him.

 

Despite everything I am a really kind hearted guy and never hurt a soul but everyone seems to hurt me. I don't know what is wrong with me. People I meet from work and such I try to be friends with but I noticed since an early age it seems to always be me making an effort. I have only one friend in the "real" world now and most times he calls me it seems to be when he wants or needs something. Story of my life. I can't seem to keep friends, though I make efforts for them, call them they never do so for me. When I stop they disappear and I never hear from them again. As far back as I can remember I always seem to be the one that gets left behind on my own.

 

I have tried. Tried so very hard. I went through a lot of counselling. Taken medications. Put a smile on my face, played the part of the happy guy but that doesn't seem to work either. I don't know what to do anymore. Most of my memories are bad ones. Recently I think I fell for someone online but she just broke my heart too and I've had suicidal thoughts again. I think the only reason I'm still around is because it would kill my parents and I do love them but it kills me that I feel at times like I have to live rather than want to live. So I survive but am very much alone. I am too shy and get depressed about going to places alone. When I have tried and tried to strike up conversation with women I just get blown off or made to feel like a total reject. All I seem to hear about is about looks and I am losing hope as well because of the permanent scars on my body and some scars on my face as well. Help

[Shinobie]

Wow man all i can say is that i feel so sorry for u and i think that u are a very strong person for lasting so long like this.Sorry to say but my own self is so bad off that if i was that bad off i would be dead by then i could not take it anymore...U r truly a very strong person.Just hang in there man u have lasted this long!Sometimes people just take a very long time to find a good women.Dont worry when women hit their 30's they usually start going for the good guys and not by looks anymore they usually know which guys r good by then and i wish the best of luck to ya.

[sym666]

I don't know why I am writing this here, I guess it is a cry for help like many others. Where to start?...(

 

We could try to do a sort of game: let's pretend that this wasn't your first post here; you could write it again describing something else about yourself, such as, where you live, if you have a job and what is it. If you like music or reading, things like that. It's important that you describe your feelings, thoughts and troubles, but, speaking of troubles, it is also important that you think about how to introduce them to others. Look, what I mean is that we're all on the ship. Yes, there is the more brave and the romantic one, the black and the white, the tall and the short, but fears, insecureness, weaknesses are things that more or less put us all in the same cage.

 

Complaining is sometimes good, because if we seek for others' warmth, and we find it, it feels sooo good, but it is also good to find a reason for things, I don't want to say an explanation, but at least an interpretation. Try to be more rational. When you feel sad or depressed try to concentrate on the problem like it was a math one.

 

Besides we got to accept ourselves, our aspect in particular, if we can't or want to change it. I'm tall and skinny, I'm quite over the average to be Italian, so since I was 14 years old everybody used to stare at me or saying jokes on height I've heard billions of times. Is it important? Relationships I have with people are tied to this aspect? When I speak with people, the subject is not my height, like it isn't your acne in your talks with others.

 

So I don't wanna know about your acne* but what music do you like, what book you read last...?

 

*I'm not saying acne is a tabù topic, we can also talk about this

[lunatic]

Over my many years living on this crazy planet we call Earth I learned many things.

 

First off, everyone has issues that they don't like about themselves. So make an effort to think about why you are left alone. Maybe it is time to find a hobby that you could share with others. Get involved with a charity to help people out. There are many out there you just have to find one that you can relate to.

 

Second, Stop feeling sorry for yourself because it is only bringing you down. You have to learn to accept who you are and what you look like because this is what you were given at birth. No one can pick their looks although I wish I could change things about myself too. Trust me you have to learn to forgive yourself for what ever it is that is bothering you. I mean you have to learn to love you before you can love someone else.

 

Third, Most importantly get some help with the seasonal depression. I am a depressed person too and I take meds to help me out. Although I still go through my ups and downs they are more tolerable. Go get some counseling or talk to a doctor. You have to make the effort to help yourself because no one will do it for you.

 

Finally, You have to stop looking for a woman to go out with. We as men can come off as desparate or needy and that is not what most women are looking for. I finally gave up looking in my personal life for a woman to love. Well I have found one and I have been happier since I met her. I was happy before I met her and now I feel more complete(for a lack of a better way to describe it to you).

 

When you finally give up on LOOKING for a woman that is when you will find one. Women can sense desparate/needy guys right away and will run the other direction. I think your problem is that you have some baggage that needs to be dealt with first. Fix your problems with you and your life will fall into place the way it is susposed to.

 

Keep posting here for advice and for guidance. There are so many wonderful people on Enotalone that your bound to make some good friends.

 

Hope this helps and sorry for being so blunt,

Hubman

[sole]

Your story sounds like mine minus the keloid and acne problems but I definitely have other problems to replace those. But anyway, have you went to a dermatologist about getting a specific cream for keloids? It can thin the skin. And it's not that expensive. That may solve the problems you have with keloids.

I TOTALLY understand the issue with shyness. My coworkers always invite me to different things but they're all married. And that's no fun for a single person. I've never dated anyone. And it's a BUST trying to make friends even though I try to be outgoing and friendly. So I've learned to cope. I try to enjoy spending "quiet" time with myself. I do things that make me happy or keep me busy. When i need someone to complain to or talk to my mother is my best friend. ANd she understands what I go through. But there are many other singles who have this issue and i think they cope like I do. Get comfortable with being around themselves. Be your own company.

[stifled]

Hi thanks for the responses. I've been through hospital treatments for the keloids helped a bit but they are here to stay. I've been through counselling already and am on Flouxetine (Prozac) for the depression. If I knew what it was I was doing wrong I'd not be having these social problems all my life. I've tried to be just myself. I've tried to be warm and friendly. I know my first post had a lot of negativity but I don't usually tell people these things I try to smile and laugh, take an interest in them and joke, talk about things like Sym666 suggested. Yet for some reason I am always left out and left feeling like I'm always the one making any effort. If I don't nobody seems to care. I hardly ever get invited anywhere even after I thought I made a good impression so perhaps it is just down to my appearance I don't know anymore.

 

The last girl I cared about I did not go looking for her and I was content with myself at the time but that still went wrong too.

[downout]

I think you can get laser surgery to help remove the scarring. I dont know how expensive it is but I know for a fact it can help. At the very least it will lighten them. Have you considered working out to improve your self image and confidence? Its also a great way to relieve stress as well as being healthy for you. I think its important to just be yourself, and as you said trying to be the happy guy all the time isnt working its possible people think you are trying to hard or giving off a fake impression or something. I mean if you are angry or upset then let it out, dont walk around with a big happy grin just to please everyone. I mean really, if they dont care about you then why should you care about them. We arent here to be socially acceptable and attractive in every situation. I understand how frustrating it is finding a quality girlfriend. I myself am 28 and having a hell of a time even getting a date. One thing is though as you get older its harder mainly because most people are married and single girls are harder to find. Even going to the bar where there are lots of people isnt all that viable because the crowd is usually younger and for me personally dating someone who is 18-22 kindof bothers me. I would rather have someone close to my age or max within 5 years though I may be forced to break my own rules since finding someone is so difficult. You can also try online services like link removed or lavalife. It isnt a guarantee but at least its another way to meet people and at least you know they are single. I have been on match for over a year and still havent had a single date yet so dont feel so bad. Dating does come incredibly easy for some and insanely hard for others.

[chanceit]

Sometimes ive found you have to be more proactive, phone people up you havn't spoken to for a while, invite people out places. Its really difficult but as long as you remember other people do feel the same way as you - they're probably waiting to be invited somewhere.