stifled

Hi thanks for the responses. I've been through hospital treatments for the keloids helped a bit but they are here to stay. I've been through counselling already and am on Flouxetine (Prozac) for the depression. If I knew what it was I was doing wrong I'd not be having these social problems all my life. I've tried to be just myself. I've tried to be warm and friendly. I know my first post had a lot of negativity but I don't usually tell people these things I try to smile and laugh, take an interest in them and joke, talk about things like Sym666 suggested. Yet for some reason I am always left out and left feeling like I'm always the one making any effort. If I don't nobody seems to care. I hardly ever get invited anywhere even after I thought I made a good impression so perhaps it is just down to my appearance I don't know anymore. The last girl I cared about I did not go looking for her and I was content with myself at the time but that still went wrong too.

I don't know why I am writing this here, I guess it is a cry for help like many others. Where to start? I am a 30 year old male and have only been involved with one woman when I was 26. That was a very short lived affair and it turns out she was a married woman who just used me and broke my heart. I've never really had a great life, countless problems which never seem to go away. I have seasonally affected disorder, suffer from depression and get suicidal thoughts. I have unsightly permanent keloid scars on my shoulders and scars on my back and chest for almost 15 years now. When I was a teenager I had the most hideous acne/gland infection which totally crippled my confidence and though it has cleared up from my face I still get some and have the unsightly scars on my torso. Outside of my parents nobody seems to really care about me. Even my father used to be violent until one day I literally threatened to kill him to finally stand up to him. Despite everything I am a really kind hearted guy and never hurt a soul but everyone seems to hurt me. I don't know what is wrong with me. People I meet from work and such I try to be friends with but I noticed since an early age it seems to always be me making an effort. I have only one friend in the "real" world now and most times he calls me it seems to be when he wants or needs something. Story of my life. I can't seem to keep friends, though I make efforts for them, call them they never do so for me. When I stop they disappear and I never hear from them again. As far back as I can remember I always seem to be the one that gets left behind on my own. I have tried. Tried so very hard. I went through a lot of counselling. Taken medications. Put a smile on my face, played the part of the happy guy but that doesn't seem to work either. I don't know what to do anymore. Most of my memories are bad ones. Recently I think I fell for someone online but she just broke my heart too and I've had suicidal thoughts again. I think the only reason I'm still around is because it would kill my parents and I do love them but it kills me that I feel at times like I have to live rather than want to live. So I survive but am very much alone. I am too shy and get depressed about going to places alone. When I have tried and tried to strike up conversation with women I just get blown off or made to feel like a total reject. All I seem to hear about is about looks and I am losing hope as well because of the permanent scars on my body and some scars on my face as well. Help