I feel like an outsider in my own home

[im_the_undead]

I don't have a bond with anyone. I don't think I ever have.

I walk around the house in silence. I feel like there's a cloud following me.

When I try to talk to my mom or someone it's an instant fail, in the sense that

I feel I should have just not opened my mouth to speak in the first place.

Like, they hardly answer and when they do the tone is devastating, in my perspective.

Sounds like they're being forced to speak.

I even feel like an outsider in my "relationship."

 

Anyone else ever experienced this?

 

What did you do to not feel so depressed about it ?

This is eating me away.

[Leya]

Can I ask how old you are??

Honestly, I am not emotionally close with anyone in my family. My father and brother are deadbeats (they really have nothing to do with our family)...and my relationship with my mother and sister was HORRIBLE growing up. Things improved as I grew up and moved out, but still, I am not that close. I am sad about it, no question!! I really ache to have a close bond with at least ONE of my family members but I don't.

But I don't dwell on that and instead I have formed a few really close friendships with people who truly love, respect and understand me. And that is enough for me to be fulfilled.

 

Now, if you feel like an outsider in your relationship (which is of your choosing, unlike family),you DO need to figure out why that is. Is the person not accessible or are you not allowing them to access YOU? Or is it about wrong perceptions or expectations?? What is your theory of why this is?

You just haven't given a lot of details for me to try to deduce what's going on (in order to try to improve the situation)

[im_the_undead]

I turned 20 a few months ago or so. I've been going through this weird transition in my life with me being too young to do this and that, but too old not to depend on myself and do other things. Idk how to explain it? The relationship I have with my mom and sisters, though, mostly my mom.. is hopeless. MOST ESPECIALLY when my sisters get involved. I feel like they always try to make me look bad.

 

And my boyfriend guy person thing. I already know that's not a good relationship.. I just haven't found the balls to let go 100%, so I don't.

I just keep trying to make things better but somehow I always say something offensive to mess things up, especially when I'm uncomfortable.

 

If my family life were happy though, I'd feel a lot better about my decisions in friends, and my relationship, my future, ect.

[Leya]

I understand, but you need to work with what you got. Like I said, my family life is/was SO not ideal, SO not what I would have chosen (seriously, my parents should NOT have had children!!). But it is what it is, and I now exist because of them. And I refuse to let it screw up MY life moving forward...so I work with it, try to make the best out of it. (And trust me, growing up, my relationship with my mother and sister was HELL, and my father was a total deadbeat...it was awful, horrible, depressing....but it got better once we ALL became adults, and me becoming self sufficient. I did NOT feel in control of my life until I Had moved out and got a job, etc. I started to have control of MY destiny and started to build confidence...I wasn't dependant on anyone!)

But again, I go back to your relationship with your partner. If you KNOW it's not healthy, you must find the strength to let it go. And again, please hang in there!! I have gone from hating my life/existence to loving it!!! To repeat myself, I understand having a bad family life is sad, depressing, etc....but do NOT let it destroy your adult life moving forward!! Just stay strong, and keep trying to learn, grow, mature, and developing as a mature individual (self awareness is important!)

[im_the_undead]

Self awareness is important. should i keep trying to make small talk with my mom? she's been giving me the cold shoulder and i'm annoyed by her so i've been ignoring her and she's been ignoring me like the plague. i don't feel like we're anything.. i feel like we're enemies under one roof. it's awkward i hate seeing her because i know she's ignoring me. it's been nearly a month, maybe longer.

I'm ignoring the hell out of my sister. I accidentally ran into her yesterday, her back was turned to me, and i quietly snuck off.

my sister apologized to me for being a huge douche bag and writing crap on my fb and sending me mean txt messages... but i'm still hurt and i don't buy her apology.. because i know she'll start mess again in time. i don't want anything to do with her unless if she's having a baby or something!

 

my other sister has always hated me so i'm ok with that. i'm more than used to it. she's been a bit nicer lately, though. only a bit.

i don't take her stuff nearly as personal.. her stuff only hurts in the moment but i get over it within seconds, cus.. she's always been mean to me and she knows how i feel about that.

 

my dad....... he used to send me emails on a daily nagging me to email him,making me feel guilty that it'd been a week that i hadn't written.. but he's finally given up. i dont miss him or even want to write. though i feel i owe it to him. i feel guilty. but i haven't written cus idk what to say.....i don't feel like it.

 

my brother.. idk about him i dont even know where hes at