Is there any hope or am I only holding onto something in my own heart?

[thousandyear]

I am new to this forum, but have read many posts and truly appreciate all the wonderful support there is in this forum... it's like a big family. I am not sure if a similar situation to mine has been posted, so I hope I am not wasting everyone's time or perhaps you can direct me to a similar thread.

 

My ex and I were in a very happy relationship for several years and there was so much love. We have similar interests, from same culture background, we are in the same field of work hence understand each other's unique lifestyle very well and are great partners in career, have this special bond where we can talk about pretty much anything for hours on end, yet we know when to give each other time due to busy schedule, and there was no unfaithfulness. He proposed and I accepted, but we had a huge argument right after (it's complicated, but I was going through an extremely stressful time at work, felt that he did not consider me as the most important individual and was still making major decisions with his parents, and the argument escalated due to both of us being emotional). Because of this argument (this proved to him and his parents that all the past arguments he had with me were problems… though we actually did not have that many arguments in the past when I asked around my friends and our mutual friends), his parents gave him an ultimatum - if he marries me then they would disown him. The backdrop of this is due to several misunderstandings, his parents did not like me very much during our relationship, but we were on friendly terms prior to the engagement in the sense that they accepted me and did attend dinners that I treated them to during holidays, but they did not really like me. I did try to please them, just that often I felt that they did not reciprocate my actions, so I stopped trying very hard… so my ex felt that I did not do enough to please them and I agree that I should have done more and want to correct my mistakes.

 

In retrospect, I was wrong for starting an argument with him. I should have discussed peacefully with him about my concerns. This argument was definitely mostly my mistake, but there were other incidences where it was the reverse. However, for a couple we are not counting scores... it's about one person compromising more in one incidence, the other person in another. Through discussions we have come to realize that both of us made mistakes and I have learned from the experience. I apologized and wanted to make things right.

 

However, he ended the relationship saying that he cannot forget the bad impressions left from the previous events, his love for me has been damaged, and he will not marry any girl who his parents do not approve and bless the marriage. He realizes thing are the way they are because of mistakes made by both of us, but he said he does not know how to repair the damages done. He believes that the arguments happened because we have different values and that if we had similar values they would not have happened (some of our mutual friends have heard both of our stories and believe that they are very common arguments that many couples have, but my ex’s family and his best friends all seem to not have these experience so my ex said that I crossed his bottomline). Hence he agrees with his parents' firm belief that we are not right for each other, and feels that his parents not approving our marriage is done out of love for him, that they are doing what they think is the best for him - that he will not be happy with me in the future and that there will be many more family conflicts, and that is not a good environment to raise kids. So his parents know what is best for him and they are only making sure that he makes the right choice. He said he is confused still, for he also agrees that we both needed to learn those lessons and had we met now or in the future, having matured and hence avoided the past problems, we may have worked out. To me if that is the case, then would it not be better to learn from the mistakes and build a better future together instead of changing partners, for no one is perfect and he’ll just be exchanging one set of imperfections for another? But then he would say we have different values hence the arguments happened and foresee further conflicts in the future, and although he feels terrible, but does not want to hurt me further in the long run and hence ended the relationship.

 

I think many people have the same goal of finding a person to share a life-long relationship. I guess he agrees with his parents that our problems are too great to be reasonable, especially given his parents now have refused to accept me. I can see how it is very difficult for him when he feels like he is stuck between his parents and me, and although I want to make things right by apologizing and trying to work things out with his parents, his parents are not interested and will not be happy unless their son do what they feel is the best for him. So in my ex's mind, he perhaps thinks that if we are right for each other, things would not have been this difficult, that the girl should be able to fit with his family very easily. My belief is that for any relationship to last long term, it is not how compatible two people are (in fact, we are quite compatible in many ways... and we compliment each other where we have differences... and our only real problem is his parents not accepting me, the other problems that he and his family cannot get past are common problems that many couples have), but how the couple deal with incompatibilities. A couple of our mutual friends who are married have listened to both of our stories and have said the list of problems that he and his parents have for me are common problems that couples have and we simply have to work them out. The only problem that is unique to our situation is his parents being totally against me. No two individuals will have the exact same values, be completely compatible in every way, and will not have any arguments. If we think our partner is perfect, then that means we do not truly know our partner yet. True love is when we know all of our partner’s strengths and weakness, and love them despite their imperfections.

 

I believe we can have a very happy future together in the sense that there was no unfaithfulness, I never deserted him during several difficult periods in his life while we were together, we have so much in common and were very happy together, we understand each other’s work and have and will be able to continue to help and support each other, we have the same goals in life, and we had so much love... but we both made mistakes due to immaturity/inexperience/stress/etc, and now that we have identified the problems and our mistakes, if we are willing to forgive each other (I am and do not intend to bring up past issues if we are to restart again), we can learn from this past experience and grow together in a stronger relationship where we have improved communication, better problem solving methods, and know better how to make each other happy. I also want to repair the relationship with his parents… I do not want to control him or take him away from his parents, I do not want to prevent his parents from loving their son or grandkids, I will not initiate and will try my best to avoid any conflicts with his family, I want to try to build a happy and friendly relationship with his parents, I will not mention any of the past incidents that happened between his parents and I (I am not the only one who has made mistakes, there were some incidences where they were really not nice to me. I do not require his parents to apologize or even admit to them, I have forgiven, we cannot change the past, and just want the chance to look forward), I just want to be able to build the happy future that I can see if he and his family are able to forgive.

 

I am not clinging on because I need him for anything… in fact, of all the girls that he will ever meet, I am probably one of the ones who need him the least from a practical perspective, as I am financially independent and does not need his support, I just wanted him to able to love me first. I can also see from his and his parents’ perspective, they are very proud of their son, and rightly so in terms of his successful achievements in career, and feel that he does not deserve to be hurt by a girl who makes mistakes and does not know how to get along with his family (but all humans make mistakes, and so has he and his parents). Perhaps they feel that it will be relatively easy for him to find another girl who the parents approve, so why try to work something out with a girl who was never really been able to get along with his parents, especially given that they believe there will be more family conflicts in the future? Even if not easy, they still would not accept me, for they have already made a judgment of me (but what about people changing when they have insight and are interested in changing/improving for the better, what about those who are able to forgive and not hold grudges from the past?). Even a girl that his parents approve at the time of marriage may still make mistakes in the future, so what happens then? I know examples of people who ended their relationship due to parental disapproval and eventually marrying someone their parents approved (again these are parents who truly believe they know what is best for their child), but was not happier in the end, for all couples will have problems, just a matter how they deal with them. I also know examples of people who married someone their parents disapprove and eventually the parents did accept them and are happy. So wouldn’t it be better to work on trying to solve problems and repair something that has great potential first before giving up?

 

My belief is that since we have identified the problems, now we should at least try to solve them. I've learned from my mistakes and am already changing. I have done a lot of self-analysis, and have been working on improving myself. I have no intention of maintaining a bad relationship with his family and want to repair the wounds. I want my kids to grow up with their grandparents in their lives. My belief is that parents all love their children and if his parents see us happy they would ultimately be happy as well. And if they don't and still does not approve of the marriage after we try to solve the problems, then I will leave myself not asking for any commitment from him and not waste his time knowing that I have tried my best without any regrets. Whereas if we part now without us even trying to solve the problem, I suspect I may have regrets in the future wondering what would have happened if I tried my best to solve the problems?

 

However, he does not seem to be open to this currently and feels that nothing can be done. Perhaps he sincerely agrees with all the problems his parents have with me. Perhaps he is tired being stuck between the two sides and knows his parents will never change their mind. Do you think that I should ask him to take some time to see if he can forgive the bad impressions himself first, and then see if he will allow me to repair the damaged relationship with his parents? Or do you think that my actions are futile when he sincerely believes that his parents are right and that he can find someone better who is approved by his parents? I believe in forgiveness and second chances, for that is what I would do for others and want others to do for me, and I think learning from our mistakes and working through problems and growing together is the only way for a relationship to last long term. I have been working on improving myself, using my spare time now to do things that I enjoy, learning how to better control my emotions, etc. I do not feel any anger towards him or his family. I love him, and want to try to love his parents like my own. I only feel sadness that they cannot forgive and that they are not open to second chances. Since both his parents and I love him, why can’t we work together to love my ex together, and instead of antagonizing each other? I wonder if I should still wait for him to see if he can forgive with time and if he is willing to give me a chance to solve the problems before giving up and going our separate ways on mutual terms. Our separation now is not quite mutual, as I am left with this sense that we identified the problems, learned, and want to make things right, but is not given the chance to do so. I accept my ex for all his good and bad qualities... I accept and love him with all his imperfection. I am using this time to improve myself. However, I guess his actions and decisions means that he does not for me… so perhaps my perseverance, waiting and patience is futile? When a relationship ends, the person who did not want it to happen always hope that there is a second chance, but I guess I need to be realistic here that my chance is quite low. Perhaps I should just accept that I tried my best (even though I would appreciate the chance to try to solve the problem first), I know that I am capable of building a happy future with him, but he has to allow me and be a willing participant for there to be relationship. He and his family cannot forgive and are not willing to accept me (his parents will not even speak to me) right now, so should I wait, or should I accept and moved on, or is there something else that I can do? Hence, I would love to hear your opinions and suggestions, especially from those who may have a understanding of what my ex is thinking or have similar experiences. Thanks for listening and I appreciate everyone's advice!

[Fun Boater 1]

Sorry you are going through a rough time. I know it hurts alot, but you seem to be dealing with it fairly well. Your post was a little too lengthy, but from what I read, I think the very crux of matter is this:

 

...and he will not marry any girl who his parents do not approve and bless the marriage.

 

Is this written in stone? Is he totally serious about this? If this is a concrete deal-breaker for him, and he is unwilling to fight for you with his parents, then I think your best course of action would be to begin taking steps towards moving on immediately. If he is totally inflexible in obtaining the consent and blessing of his parents, you are fighting a losing battle. I'm not sure where, or what culture you come from, but I realize there are parts of this world where there are arranged marriages and where parental consent to a relationship (marriage) is all important. In my opinion, this is a very old fashioned and impractical attitude to have. Obviously, from your description, you and he shared a mutually fulfilling and healthy relationship. If he's going to throw that away over the matter of getting his parents blessing I feel sorry for him. He should be fighting for you and demanding that his parents at least, if not wholeheartedly, support his choice of a partner. It is not their life, it is his. You need to find out how serious he is about strictly adhering to his parents wishes and his desire to please them at the expense of his own happiness. You tell him to make that choice. You are perfectly entitled to ask him to do this.

[thousandyear]

Thanks for your response. Sorry, I realize my post was too long...

I live in North America, and his parents are Asian background.

"he will not marry any girl who his parents do not approve and bless the marriage" is something he has chosen... I think initially he had a hard time letting go of the relationship as well, but he lives at home and his parents provide so much love for him that the thought of them disowning him is scary for him. So I suspect slowly with time he now believes and agrees with the reasons his parents gave for not approving our marriage, for he feels his parents are doing this out of love, they have always done what is best for him. So I guess not only will he not fight for me, he does not even believe that I can repair the relationship with his parents and hence has said that the only way is to end when he has no idea how to solve the problem. But he continues to say that he is confused.

[Fun Boater 1]

What part of Asia is he from? I have a friend who married a Japanese guy. They have been married 20 years, but she has mentioned that his parents, particularly his mother has never really cared for her much.

 

Are you convinced he is a lost cause, or do you still have hope that he will come around? I think it's crazy that his parents don't approve of you. Surely, they really have no reason to prohibit him from being with you other than the fact that you are not of the same Asian culture. That is outright racist, in my opinion. Unfortunately I realize that's the way other cultures can be though. If his parents do object because you are Caucasian, then he should have known that going into the relationship. Yet, he chose you. He chose you for your good qualities, so don't let your self esteem suffer due to him rejecting the relationship. Apparently he can't deal with going against his parents wishes, and that's sad.