Should my ex-gf and I move in together and Co-Parent for a Baby?

[radiohead20]

All,

 

My Ex-gf is 6 months pregnant with my child. We are on good terms, and get along very well, but decided it is not right for us to be together (for various reasons OTHER than fighting).

 

The child was unplanned and occurred after we broke up.

 

She and I have little family or friends to help us out near where both our jobs are (we both make 80 grand a year plus) and are not willing to quit either of our jobs to stay at home. We discusssed living seperately but close by but then just said it would be easier if we got a larger place (a townhome for example) since I will basically be there with her most of the time anyways (since I want to see my son). We get along extremely well (we did live together when we dated) and think co parenting in the same place would be something that we can reasonably accomplish, until she does not need the full 24/7 support anymore. She basically said that she needs someone there 24/7 to help her in the first few months to up to about a year, since she has no family to help near bye and will lose a huge portion of her income (80 grand) if she quit her job and moved home to her family.

 

Let me know your thoughts.

[Fudgie]

I respect you for wanting to be a good father to your child and wanting to be there, but I don't feel that this is a good idea.

 

You'll likely end up falling back into a relationship that you both know it's right for you.

[pl3asehelp]

, until she does not need the full 24/7 support anymore. She basically said that she needs someone there 24/7 to help her in the first few months to up to about a year, since she has no family to help near bye and will lose a huge portion of her income (80 grand) if she quit her job and moved home to her family.

 

Let me know your thoughts.

 

My thoughts are you guys are in for a huge shock when you realize babies require 24/7 support for YEARS, not just the first few months or 1 year.

 

Also, if you want even the slightest hope of getting any from anyone other than your ex, it's not gonna happen in this living situation.

 

Sounds like a bad idea to me.

 

How do you plan to share custody long term? I think whatever your plan for that is, you should start it now rather than later.

 

Do you guys know how much full time daycare for an infant costs? It may very well make sense for one of you to quit your jobs once you see how expensive that daycare is.

[Kalika]

Babies and CHILDREN require 24/7 support for years. I wholeheartedly agree. She is being incredibly naive if she thinks she will only need help while this kid is an infant.

 

That being said, if you live with her now, you will almost 100% be guaranteed stuck with her whether you want to be or not. Once you stay with her, you will set the standard for both her and your child.

 

I agree you should NOT move in with her if you are not going to be together but perhaps you could live closer in order to be there. She will need at least 2 or 3 other adults, minimum, as back up. I am saying this as a single parent - it is not possible to raise a child without some serious help if you are alone and a working mother.

[Generation]

If I were you, I would, or at the very least live close by. Raising a kid, to me, that means you're willing to sacrifice some of your needs for the child's needs. It's what it means to be a parent. It's also unrealistic to ditch an 80k job in the grand scheme of things. Some people might disagree with me here, but this isn't about you, or your ex-gf, it's about your child. That's how I see things.

[radiohead20]

You guys are all really freaking me out

 

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is telling me this is a "terrible" idea that can only end in pain.

 

I thought that this could work - we are both very civil people that never fought while living together. We would live together for about a year and then we would move out but live closer to each other to continue to help each other. But for the first year - it is just way too costly and time consuming to have two different places and she needs my support. She has little family and friends nearby to help out, If we lived in separate places, I'd be at her place every night ANYWAYS since she has no one else. I simply dont have a choice in this matter.

[mhowe]

Then maybe that is what you have to do in the short term.

 

A friend of mine in HS --- his parents divorced, but there were a bunch of kids -- so instead of interrupting the kids routine, the parents rotated out of the house. You can look at that as a solution down the road.

 

For now, move in together, but maintain separate rooms and separate social lives.