Got out of an abusive relationship and it's still haunting me

[babigurl]

I got out of an abusive relationship 5 months ago, and I thought I was fine and moving on but I am not sure anymore. I was engaged to him (let's call him Tom) for 3 years! I was going to marry this guy and we were living together for 2.5 years! We were doing great the first 2 years, but then he got very possessive and abusive. He abused me verbally, sexually, and physically. One night it got so bad that I had to leave! I called the cops on him and now he has a restraining order, and we can't talk to each other for one whole year. I was more relieved than sad that it was finally over. My friends let me crash with them, and I had to take a semester off because it was all too much to handle. After this horrible break up, I started dating another guy (Kyle) and turns out he was only chasing tail. He played me and had no interest in actually being with me long term. I was devastated and I still am, because he made me very happy. I really liked spending time with him, and he kept telling me how much he liked me and he mentioned future plans all the time. Everything was going great until he went distant, and we broke up. He's in one of my classes now, and he acts like I do not exist. I have been having a very hard time dealing with this rejection and it really hurts. It's hard for me to heal when I see him almost everyday...

 

As if that wasn't enough, I just found out that Tom (my abusive ex) is now in a relationship. I should not care, but for some reason it's made me even more sad. I am in a state of depression because of these two situations, and I just can't concentrate on any other important stuff. Somebody please help me... How can I deal with this?? :sorrow:

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

I understand how you feel, I was once in an abusive relationship. Just because it's over it doesn't mean that you don't still love the person, or have other feelings. Yes, initially you feel relieved, but then the sadness comes. You'll have to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened in the relationship.

 

With this other guy...it's awful when someone does that to you. It makes you feel like they were lying the whole time. He's ignoring you, ignore him as well. Obviously he was insincere, so don't waste anymore of your time or energy on him.

 

It's hard to be in a relationship when you are just getting out of a horrible one. Give yourself some time to heal.

 

It hurts to hear that your ex is with someone else, but don't beat yourself up about it. Who's to say you shouldn't feel sad or hurt...you're allowed to feel that way.

 

Being depressed sucks, but it eventually passes. You'll heal, and you'll become a better version of your current self.

[Alpine]

It is so commendable that you got yourself out of that relationship. So many women find themselves in abusive, dangerous and emotionally/physically damaging relationships but can't/don't leave - but you are in a safer situation now and for this you should be very proud of yourself.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? It sounds cliche, but talking about your feelings can really help in the healing process. Have you ever thought about therapy/counselling?

[rig01]

It took me some time to realize that my ex was abusive. She was manipulative, withholding, cruel, and disrespectful. She uses relationships for her own gain and throws away anyone in her life who doesn't meet her criteria, which is why her only friend right now is her new boyfriend. She would go hot and cold, give me silent treatment, and she especially used sex as a weapon and a bargaining chip or reward. She was punishing me for her mistakes with her ex for a very long time, and her having been a victim of an abusive relationship in the past, took her issues out on a guy (me) who only wanted to love her. Please don't follow the cycle and don't do to someone else what has been done to you. You'll be angry, but you have power in that: it stops with you.

[babigurl]

It took me some time to realize that my ex was abusive. She was manipulative, withholding, cruel, and disrespectful. She uses relationships for her own gain and throws away anyone in her life who doesn't meet her criteria, which is why her only friend right now is her new boyfriend. She would go hot and cold, give me silent treatment, and she especially used sex as a weapon and a bargaining chip or reward. She was punishing me for her mistakes with her ex for a very long time, and her having been a victim of an abusive relationship in the past, took her issues out on a guy (me) who only wanted to love her. Please don't follow the cycle and don't do to someone else what has been done to you. You'll be angry, but you have power in that: it stops with you.

 

Do not worry about that. I would never wish that anybody goes through what I went through... not even my enemies. I treated the other guy very nicely, but unfortunately I was victimized by him as well. He played me... I am just really upset that my abusive ex is now in a relationship. I do not like him, but for some reason I am sad... I do not know why.

[babigurl]

It is so commendable that you got yourself out of that relationship. So many women find themselves in abusive, dangerous and emotionally/physically damaging relationships but can't/don't leave - but you are in a safer situation now and for this you should be very proud of yourself.

 

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? It sounds cliche, but talking about your feelings can really help in the healing process. Have you ever thought about therapy/counselling?

 

Yes, I have been seeing a counsellor. But, it's just not enough.. because both the relationships' thoughts keep creeping into my mind. It's really hard to focus on anything else. Thank you for such kind words

[Zack808]

It took me some time to realize that my ex was abusive. She was manipulative, withholding, cruel, and disrespectful. She uses relationships for her own gain and throws away anyone in her life who doesn't meet her criteria, which is why her only friend right now is her new boyfriend. She would go hot and cold, give me silent treatment, and she especially used sex as a weapon and a bargaining chip or reward. She was punishing me for her mistakes with her ex for a very long time, and her having been a victim of an abusive relationship in the past, took her issues out on a guy (me) who only wanted to love her. Please don't follow the cycle and don't do to someone else what has been done to you. You'll be angry, but you have power in that: it stops with you.

 

Wow rig01, seems like we dated the same girl. I had to leave because of what was happening. I did feel like she was punishing me because of what happened in her past also from a guy who just wanted to love her, have a life with, grow old with. Babigurl, first off, you need to heal and that means you have to be alone and recollect yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now. The only thing you should be focusing on right now is yourself and that you TRULY will be OK. Hard to see it but it will. Click on every post that is interesting in this forum and read, educate yourself. You will realize that you are not alone. Think positive

[babigurl]

Thank you I am really glad that people here actually take the time out to hear others' problems, and help people like me think positively. It's really crazy that the sorrow of the break up did not hit me until I found out about him being in a relationship. He was a monster! I should not be wasting any of my time thinking about him, so this is just really confusing me.