EmergenC Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I've really been struggling the last week with my breakup, I thought I was getting better, I guess not. Too many memories, it's horrid, we did so many things together, travelled everywhere. I found out she had gone straight into another relationship pretty much within a few weeks of us breaking up. I'm just wondering about the psychology of this and the effect it has on their process of facing upto the breakup of a relationship? Does this leave the impact of their decisions to hit them further on down the line? Or do they just forget and move forward? My ex moved onto another guy who was quite similar to me in some ways and different in others, but both musicians. She has returned to the USA after being deported and he is left here in the UK. It's almost like she's replaced me with me in some regards. I just don't understand what's going on in their minds and perhaps i'm asking the impossible but I would love it if people could share their thoughts and opinions. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Is it worth the trouble? Trust me... I'm trying. It's not easy, it's far far from easy. Physically I have let go believe me. There's no pursuing, there's no begging, nothing of the sorts. But am I struggling, and I hope through understanding will come some sort of help for myself. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No such thing as a rebound in my opinion and thinking she's in one will just deter your healing. Here is an example for ya, a few years back I dated a girl for a year we broke up and I met my ex a few weeks later. We got together and she and I were so amazing toegther I didn't even think about the girl I broke up with once during my relationship with my ex. 2 and a half years later when me and my ex split I still don't think about that girl. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Anything is possible. Most people who are on the rebound eventually do retract to past relationships and sometimes people will try to come back, claiming to have made mistakes; i.e, not knowing what they had, needed time to figure it out etc... in my opinion, you should've been had it figured out beforehand. So if you leave me in search of greener pastures and bluer skies, then you need to keep it moving. Just my two cents. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 No such thing as a rebound in my opinion and thinking she's in one will just deter your healing. Here is an example for ya, a few years back I dated a girl for a year we broke up and I met my ex a few weeks later. We got together and she and I were so amazing toegther I didn't even think about the girl I broke up with once during my relationship with my ex. 2 and a half years later when me and my ex split I still don't think about that girl. I kind of understand...my ex ex I left her immediately as I developed a relationship with my now ex 3.5 years ago. I think when I personally reached about 10 months, I remember it was around Xmas time and it was the first time the butterflies were wearing off and I was starting to look at what I had in the cold light of day that I started reflecting a little and missing my ex ex a tiny amount. I ended up emailing her a sort of closure letter saying sorry things didnt work out. That relationship was a little different for me because I had known a year or 2 before it really wasn't going to work out and I definitely wasn't in love. We were just 2 kind hearted people who just seemed to get along really well on a certain level. We only spent about 6 months out of the year with each other due to it being a LDR, so it just became a comfortable routine almost with a lot of exotic travel for one another when we did see each other, so it was fun. Had I genuinely been in love with her at one time, I think it might have got more complicated around that point... That's my own personal story. With my now ex we were certainly very much in love for a long long time, really just the last 8 months cracks started showing. But these cracks were an age thing, she's barely into her 20's so you could tell there was an energy to explore that was surfacing, I read the GiGs article and I think it may have applied in my case. In this sort of situation though, I have no idea what could happen. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I can't help but believe if anyone gets into another relationship THAT fast...unfortunately, they were probably cheating on you. Some rebounds work; some don't. Every relationship is different. I was my ex's rebound, and he cheated on his LDR girlfriend with me. Then once we were in a relationship, his ex kept coming back up, ie., he wasn't over her. Stupid mistake on my part I will never make again. He dumped me 6 months into our relationship, 3 weeks ago. I hope he goes back to his ex, cuz she treated him like cr*p. He wants someone who jerks him around, instead of someone like me who was there for him? He should go for it. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I can't help but believe if anyone gets into another relationship THAT fast...unfortunately, they were probably cheating on you. Some rebounds work; some don't. Every relationship is different. I was my ex's rebound, and he cheated on his LDR girlfriend with me. Then once we were in a relationship, his ex kept coming back up, ie., he wasn't over her. Stupid mistake on my part I will never make again. He dumped me 6 months into our relationship, 3 weeks ago. I hope he goes back to his ex, cuz she treated him like cr*p. He wants someone who jerks him around, instead of someone like me who was there for him? He should go for it. Usually I would agree with you, but we were living together so I know for certain she didn't, and mutual friends who were around her after we broke up kind of fed stuff back to me. They only met a month or so before we broke up. There may have been some emotional cheating perhaps on Facebook, I don't know, but certainly not of the physical variety. I was her first boyfriend/true love so I guess it was inevitable that this would happen some day or another, with the big wide world waving its sparkly opportunities and distractions at her. I'm sorry about your situation. When you say his ex kept coming back up...did you mean, he started bringing her up in conversations ? Did he finish with her or the other way around ? Either way you're right, you've landed right in the middle of 'the typical' rebound situation and you'd be wise to protect yourself as best you can! Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Being replaced is the hardest thing to deal with of all (3yr RS, ex in new RS few days after BU). I know what you're looking for EmergenC. You're looking for something that says "dumpers will be eaten alive with guilt" ...or something to that effect, so you'll feel like they will suffer too. I've looked for the same...something to cling to that will make me feel like the ex is missing me, or sorry for what she did. But I'm sorry to say, you will find no such solace. The cold hard fact is, that a lot of dumpers emotionally check out of the RS long before they pull the trigger. So when the big event does happen, they are far more prepared and already sort of healed from the idea of breaking up. They might think of you once in a while, but believe me, they are NOT tortured over your absence. Not like we are, as dumpees. Dumpers automatically have the upper hand in the situation, and dumpees get rejection and shock as their parting prize. Once the ex has gone, a lot of times (especially for women) new people will start showing interest in them (her), and if anyone that gives them that "feeling" their off to the races and you're just a bit of baggage that needs to be stuffed away. It is incredibly harsh and very hard to deal with. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay as far away, and ignorant to their new relationship as you can. The less you know, the better. Knowing more details will only give your imagination more fuel for creating those terribly vivid nightmare fantasies involving the ex with their new lover. DON'T GO THERE! Another thing you might think about is that the rebound RS has nothing to do with you or how you are. It's all about the ex, and the way they deal with things. A lot the time when someone falls into a rebound real quickly, it's because their chasing a "feeling". It's not even that the new person is better for them or not, their just different. Once that "feeling" runs it's course (and it usually goes quicker with rebounds due to the comparing with the ex) they will find themselves with that unhappy empty feeling and once again be looking for greener pastures..... Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Yeah, it does make me wonder how long this will last. She got deported back to the US and banned from the UK so there's no way really for them to see each other, I think she's just keeping herself occupied. We always had a future because I have family in the USA and means to obtain a visa there, hence why we overstayed in the UK while I got things in order. I think however the drama of the deportation was what cemented the relationship and drove them together, it was apparently quite casual over xmas but the day after deportation he was 'in a relationship' on Facebook, whereas hers was left blank... along with there still being pictures of us on her FB... I really don't know. It's tough when friends feed stuff back to you, part of you wants to hear, the other half doesn't. I don't think i'm looking for her to be "eaten with guilt" so to speak. I have no ill will towards her as such. Thanks for your input though, I think there's a lot of truth in it about the checking out etc... I know in the past I had checked out waaaaaay back, probably a year and a half with the ex ex. But we were never in love truly so it was a little different. Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 Brutally honest and exactly what EmergenC needs to hear......EmergenC - heed FreeFall's words....it is spot on. Let your ex run around, cheat, live that single life; it too will wear thin and she will be forced to face the reality of her life and her choices. Stay outta her head- it will only torture you in the long run. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 14, 2012 Author Share Posted February 14, 2012 Brutally honest and exactly what EmergenC needs to hear......EmergenC - heed FreeFall's words....it is spot on. Let your ex run around, cheat, live that single life; it too will wear thin and she will be forced to face the reality of her life and her choices. Stay outta her head- it will only torture you in the long run. I'm better than I was about a month ago that's for certain! There was a time I was trying to read into every tiny action and stupid indirect facebook comments....literally everything I would question or try to find a motive for. Those earlier days sure were tough. It's just swings and roundabouts right now, up for a few hours then back down. Waking up first thing in the morning is still the hard one...it's always followed by a heavy sigh as reality hits you again. Much better when i'm showered, dressed and up moving around. I guess time and life experiences/growing up, have to take their effect. I really don't think anything has truly even hit her yet. Link to comment
DN Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 The hard truth is that her motives are probably not even that clear to her and would be impossible for you or anyone else to guess. People tend to do what makes sense to them at the time and very often that is not guided by reason but by emotions and whim. Tough to deal with for the person who is left behind wondering what happened. But here's where you let your reason take over from your emotion for awhile and look at this from a severely practical view point (not easy but worth the effort) - it doesn't matter why she left (absence any form of abuse). The bottom line is that she did and that is what you have to deal with. Not why she did but just that she did. Trying to analyse why has no upside for you. It won't bring her back, it can give you false hope that she will come back if you can fix what went wrong and it keeps you looking backwards instead of forward. That impedes your recovery and keeps you stuck. So accept the break-up for what it is - just a break-up. If you can do that on a rational basis the emotional side will come to accept it too and much faster - and then you can move on. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Thank you. I'm trying my hardest to look at it from a rational perspective, but I do have a habit of analysing things which I guess is becoming a character flaw for me here. I'm actually starting to have a really tough time lately and feel myself slipping back a little bit. I'm worried about sliding into a depression. I've never suffered depression before, but i'm a self employed musician and i'm finding myself sleeping between 12 and 2 like normal yet not wanting to get out of bed until gone noon. I just sit there milling things over inside my head. I really need to kick my own butt a little bit. I'm a little over 30 days no contact, havent really been counting, since discovering the other guy i've just vanished. But the emotions are really catching up with me, the emptiness, the ache, the sadness from recalling memories, the loss of our wonderful plans together and death of promises. Then moments of self blame, looking at moments where things went possibly wrong. We rarely fought, if we did it was over the partying or something related. I think the only thing I was guilty of over time was being complacent with her & lazy with myself and my own life. Classic mistakes but I always thought she would be with me through thick and thin... I know that's how I always felt. Link to comment
blueplanet22 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 One person does not define or validate you and your life. You have to get to the stage as that DN says, its a break up, you cannot change that person you just have to accept it and then get your life back on track. You can do it, you just have to get a little bit of determination. Link to comment
EmergenC Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 One person does not define or validate you and your life. You have to get to the stage as that DN says, its a break up, you cannot change that person you just have to accept it and then get your life back on track. You can do it, you just have to get a little bit of determination. Thank you for the words of encouragement! Link to comment
sushigirlie Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 THis is very true!!! My question is: do they go back to their ex or do they usually find a new rebound? BTW, i have been a dumper a few times before. I never rebounded. But i will tell you, yes, it is easy for the dumper initially. But then when your next relationship doesn't work out, you really start missing your ex (if it was a viable relationship). This has happened to me 2 times out of 4 people i dumped. Link to comment
Shake Spear Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 The way i see it there are two possible answers: 1) She checked out of your RS a long time ago when the new guy came along, she might even have cheated on you. In that case she has proven she is selfish and immature and will probably do so again with the new guy when shes bored of him 2) By moving on so fast to another guy she haven't dealt with losing you at all. She has just swept you under the rug, and chances are, she will come crawling back once she realize what she has done. I read an article about what they called "hypergamous" women, in other words: Women who not necessarily have lots of sexual partner (although this is a secondary effect), but lots of, often short-lived relationships, and they have a strong urge to "trade up". The irony being, in the "honeymoon" stage, they are so infatuated with their new partner, they don't see his faults, and when the dust settles, they see him for what he truly is; just another man, and thus the cycle repeats. An endless pursuit for the Hollywood image of a "perfect man" Link to comment
sushigirlie Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 How long does the honeymoon stage last usually? For men? I've discovered that if a relationship is viable, exes always come back (assuming no cheating or abuse). However, it usually happens a year or two later. I once had a guy who wronged me, deceived me and moved away. He then realized I was the best thing that happened to him. He crawled back to me 2 years later, 5 years later and even now tries to get in touch via Facebook. By now, i really just feel sorry for him. But the dumper used to "upgrade" himself with a different women - misspent youth Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.