My Wife of 3 Years says its over.

[indianmale30]

Hi all,

Here is my story, please help me.

 

I am an Indian male who turned 30 last week. My wife and I were colleagues at work, I knew her 3 years before we had a relationship, but at that point of time we were just friends as she was in a relationship with someone else for the last 6/7 years.

She ended her relationship with her boyfriend as she felt that they could not have a future together. He was really an idiot and all of us who knew both of them wondered how she could stand him. She said that she had tried breaking up with him but he would just not listen, sometimes she felt scared of him as well. Anyway I sort of entered her life when she was going through a bad phase at work as well as in her relationship(he would not leave her) and in about 2 months or so I asked her about getting engaged.

We had a relationship for about 7/8 months and then we got engaged. At this point she left her job(as she was not getting along with the management) and stayed at home with her parents. We were married a year later(a long time by Indian terms - my mother felt that I was rushing things and thus kept a long engagement period).

While we were engaged she said she was unhappy about her career & I helped / coached / pushed her to get another job which was not as great as the one that she had earlier but it was a start, meanwhile I sent her resume for other openings and then finally a few months before our marriage she got another job and this time with my coaching for her interview she was able to get a salary better than the job that she had with my company. She worked hard and got 3 promotions in a year and in a years time was earning more than I was. 2 years later the economy got better and the job that she was doing grew more in demand and she had a few better job offers which she took and finally had a job that paid her about twice my salary. I was really proud of her and she seemed to be really enjoying her work etc. Meanwhile I realised that I needed to update my qualifications as I was stuck in the same position for 3 years( I work an IT job, so the IT market being down has also affected my career). And I took up an additional graduation that would give me formal certification that would help get me a better job or a better pay.

In the first year of our marriage my wife said that she was unhappy with our sex life, I admit to not paying as much attention to her as I was desperately trying to get more work done so that I could get the next promotion or pay rise. By the end of the 1st year she got to a state where she would not let me touch her as she said that it hurts, and I did not force her as what could I do? I could not have sex with her despite her protests, it would almost be rape. But at the same time she kept on telling me that I was not making love to her. We decided to see a gyn and he said that she was perfectly OK and basically our problems were more mental than physical. When at home I would try things but as usual she would not let me do anything more than petting. We did not have any such problems before marriage and I was & still am totally baffled. Ok I put on some weight(10-15 kilos) so I thaught maybe this is a weight issue.

Otherwise our relationship was really great, i loved her deeply and would really dote on her. She said that she really loved me although she was really unhappy about the sex part. But what could I do?? After trying for about six months or so I really stopped trying at all. I thaught that maybe with time she would be allright and let me.

Before we got married I was really anti-social, I hated going out to clubs / discos and I hated parties and meeting people, but because she was into this I compromised and would go with her. Although not as much as she would have liked. I really wanted to do something about my weight, but the working hours and the commuting to and back from work and the new graduation that i took up took most of my energy and time.

But I really loved her and would spend most of my free time with her doing whatever she wanted. One by one all my friends from my bachelor days grew out of touch with me, but this did not bother me as I felt that If by spending more time with her I could somehow make up for her unhappiness over our sex life it was worth it.

She never really got along with my mother and my younger sister, and I would really get angry with both of them for not trying harder to get along with her.

Things carried on and in the 2nd year she started accusing me of not making love to her, totally ignoring the fact that it was she who would not let me touch her and somehow this became "my fault". I was getting "no sex" either and nor was I having an affair but I accepted whatever she said as my fault. Regardless of this according to me, there were more happy days than sad ones(although now she claims otherwise). By the 3rd year of our marriage this blaming increased and she ran away to her parents twice. And I had to go there and beg and plead her to come back. Somehow she feels that this was my problem and I need to do something to solve it. Then in December she finally said that she needs to get away from me, she needs some time to herself. So she went and started staying with her parents. 4 months later when I asked her what her decision is, she swept my world from under my feet by saying that she wants out. She said she had tried marriage and she did not like it and she is unhappy and she wants out. She says that she does not feel attracted to me anymore. I told her that we could see a marriage counselor and I could really lose some weight, but she brushed me aside and said that it was over.

For about a week I just locked myself at home and cried, I did not go to work / I could not eat or drink and I slept whenever i could not remain awake anymore. Luckily my other sister happened to stay with me, had she not been around I dont know what I would have done in my state of depression.

I spoke to her parents, they are upset as well. Divorce in India is not an acceptable thing(although now its getting more common). There is a stigma attached to the word divorcee. Divorced women rarely get married again(unless they find love). For divorced men its much better. I told her parents and requested them to speak to her as I feel if we met a counselor we would be able to save our marriage. But she feels otherwise.

Her parents agree with me but ultimately its her choice. Somehow she does not realise the magnitude of what she is giving up. Her brother divorced his wife after 2 months of marriage so probably she feels its OK for her to do so as well. Her family is a bit strange, her mother and her brother and sister sort of agree and suppport each other on everything regardless of what the correct thing to do would be. So I know that they would be telling her that if she is unhappy then she should leave me.

So far nothing further has hapened, she has not spoken about any legal steps and has not yet mentioned the word Divorce. All she has said that she does not want to be married anymore.

But her actions keep me confused, she calls me everyday twice or if she has not called she expects me to call her. If I dont call her she gets upset, We speak just like how it was before we separated except when I say that I love her before I hang up she does not reply back. She says she cares for me very much but cant carry on with the marriage anymore. She gets very angry when I try to say that she never gave me a chance to really keep her happy.

I dont know what to do. Should I keep trying to get back?? I have started working out and am desperate to lose weight. Will she take me back if I do? Or is this because of my job / career?? I really dont know. She knows how smart / capable I am, and that after my graduation things will open up for me. She knows that all throughout her differences with my mother and my sister, I was on her side. So why ???? Please help.

[diesel21]

wow take it easy dude!

first off she seems a bit indecisive. i think u should tell her how insecure her phrasing the ending of teh marriage makes you feel. also make sure you reinforce what YOU want (ie: marriage) and how you would do anything to keep it. She need to know your commited and steady that way maybe she will be too towards your marriage. good luck.

[lipstick]

let me ask you something...

 

do you know the word DIVORSE?

 

And take life easier.......She doesn't like ur sex life? Hmm.......

 

Hell with her........find someone who will .......................

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

I would like to make some comments towards lipstick's post. I understand where lipstick is coming from, however I also understand that in some cultures divorces (mind the spelling, btw... *grins*) are not an option. In fact, in some cultures marriages are even arranged. I find it a little too easy to refer to divorce out of the blue and this is why I don't agree with lipstick.

 

However, and this is addressed to the original poster, the only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy. Every person deserves a happy life... it's up to you to make that happen.

 

I hope that this shed a different light on things.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[willdation]

Hey...I totally understand what it's like to break up with someone you love and realize that things are slowly fading along with sex life. Best thing I can recommend is to just focus on good things and move on for now..you never know what will happen in the future...Actually, I heard that the average person falls in love 14 times...but how sad is that? Maybe if you want to get her back though....play 'hard to get' kinda...like...you know how women want expensive things...it all has to do with scarcity....they want things they can't have...but then again...maybe that's goin to far....I also think that the key to a successful relationship (although i am not really one to talk or follow this advice) is to make things spontaneous....Im sure when you first started seeing her that is pretty much what things were like...I don't know how much this info helps...but at least its something...It really sucks when things start to fade away...same with my case....actually..how i got over a previous gf of two years was to find another one....but that's prolly not the best solution...