should I forget about hope?

[mesmerized]

G'day to you all.

 

I have already posted a thread in the "Breaking Up" section of this forum but I just need to ask for your advice and get your opinion on some specific questions.

 

My ex says that she's already given me too many chances (2 is the number I believe) and because I've screwed up she can't go for another one 'cause it'd be against her and her beliefs. When I tried to persuade her that I'd not make the same mistakes and that everybody takes wrong paths sometimes she said I'd made too many of them and she even made a list for me to pint out every single mistake I've made. What's more, when I got desperate she looked me straight in the eye and said she didn't feel any feeling towards me. She said: have no hope, it's over between us, I don't want to be disappointed in you again.

 

I don't know how to behave, what to do. We live together, we sleep in the same bed... I see her every day and every morning I dream of having her a little bit closer... The 14th of Feb. is coming, I wanted to prepare something special... but now I just feel that nothing's gonna change.

 

She's the one best thing that happened to me in my entire life, not to mention the fact that actually she's the first girl I "went to the top with" and had a real orgasm when we were having sex. I'd been with different girls before and I just couldn't "get there"

 

How should I behave? Should I talk to her or remain silent? When she wants to watch a movie, what do I do? Am I supposed to say "yes" or "I'm sorry, I'm not part of your life anymore" ? Is there a slim chance of getting her back? We don't argue anymore, I try to pretend that everything is fine and I avoid touchy topics. I even smile at her from time to time. Moving out is probably out of the question at the moment... We're in China, nobody wants to rent a decent flat for a short period of time... I don't know if it would change anything anyway.

 

Please, advice needed here. Hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.

 

Thanks in advance.

[mattguy]

what did you do to mess up the first 2 times?

 

I would give her space, maybe let her miss you . she knows ur there and willing so thats a comfort for her. i think if you actually gave her space it would give her the opportunity to question herself and if shes really ready to end things or if she just needed some space

[mesmerized]

well, to be honest there's a number of things... she says I've overused the trust she had... and I have to admit that she might be right... the thing is that we came to China 5 months ago and we came accross lots of problems here... and instead of focusing on her needs I was too much occupied with things that happened... I just lost my focus...

 

another thing is that Chinese girls keep flirting with me here, one has even given me her wedding photo with a long dedication... my GF (obviously) didn't like that and she thinks that I like to be around people who compliment me, especially girls... well, to a certain extent it's true 'cause I've always had a fair share of insecurities about my looks and abilities... she says that I didn't tell those girls that I was in a relationship...

 

another thing: we were out with a bunch of people and I didn't take her hand, now she thinks I was ashamed of her (which is totally untrue 'cause I've never been ashamed of her)

 

she says I lied to her a couple of times and she hates being lied to... in fact I did lie, but only to avoid arguments... and those were not huge issues (one lie was about a text message)

 

yet another thing... she is utterly convinced that I never wanted her to be part of my life plans (again, untrue, I just didn't mention that a lot)

 

and she keeps repeating that I didn't show her respect and that I had my chance and I blew it so I deserve to be where I am now... she thinks I only want her because I cannot have her (unfortunately she knows about me a lot, she knows all by drawbacks)

 

She's trying to act friendly everyday... and I miss her so much...

[mesmerized]

PS. I think this thread should be moved to "Getting Back Together" section. I hope one of the moderators can do it. Thanks.

[mesmerized]

I do hope that somebody can give me some advice here...

[mesmerized]

guys, I really need your advice on the situation... thanks...

[nkm08]

Hello,

 

I'm not an expert or anything obviously, but it seems to me that she's asking you for space at the very least. She's telling you that you hurt her and you've admitted that you've put yourself first. The fact that a holiday that is used to celebrate romantic relationships is coming up shouldn't impact your behavior aside from perhaps doing something nice for her.

 

She's made a list of reasons that she can't be with you or trust you and the more you force yourself at her it's only going to make things worse. Your living situation does make things extremely complicated and it seems to me that she recognizes you'll both have to be cordial at the very least which would explain her friendly behavior and any lack of grieving. (Your living situation will get worse if the both of you are bitter and hate each other, so it only makes sense for her to somewhat bury any resentment or negative feelings to deal with the present.)

 

Not knowing either of you or when you broke up or other circumstances makes it hard to say, but based on what you've said so far, I really think the best thing you can give her is the gift of simple friendship. I know that's not what you really want to hear when you love someone, but the saying "if you love something, set it free" really has meaning and wisdom. At the end of the day, no matter how much it hurts you, you want her to be happy right?

 

If you really feel compelled to do something nice for her, do something very small and unromantic.

 

(P.S. I've found out the hard way that being dependant and unconditionally loving can cripple you and make you undesirable to the person you love the most. Unfortunately, people only gain experience from past actions and can't truly have insight until they've made mistakes. What really hurts the most is that what has happened can never be undone and that most of the time, you have to let go of them and move on. The feelings will always be there, but in the end you have to appreciate the needs of your beloved and recognize when you have your own problems to deal with that get in the way of any successful relationship.)

 

I hope that what I said helps you and that you can mull things over and make your decision with the best intentions regarding your ex.

[Lycanthropica]

My advice to you is to give her space - like mattguy said, allow her to miss you. Work on improving yourself. If she complained about a certain trait of yours, and you think it's something that legitimately needs to be changed, work on that. Treat her respectfully and as cordially as you have been, but don't offer any affection; that allows her to take you for granted. Just be nice and sweet to her. Also, I'd avoid doing things for her that she doesn't ask for, since that can make her feel smothered.

 

By the way, what are you guys doing in China?

[mesmerized]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I'll start with the easiest question. We're teachers here... What makes me upset is that it was my idea to come here. I got her the job, I got us the apartment... and she still says I didn't look after her enough and I didn't want her to be part of my plans. I sometimes feel like I was being used at a certain point... Anyway, I'm thinking about moving out but sometimes I feel like "hey, I did a lot of things for you, you dumped me so you should move out"

 

Things would be easier if we didn't work together. I do have feelings for her but I'm not going to hit the wall with my head like a maniac. What hurts most is that I somehow had known that things might end up this way... I keep dreaming about her, I have nightmares every single night and I've lost any hope of having a relationship with anyone else.

[learning2relax]

There are no guarantees in life. Everything comes to an end one way or another.

 

You made choices to help her. You took the risk to move in with her. I can understand your anger and resentment but hanging on to that isn't doing you any good and has more impact on you than her. Refusing to move out and asking her to - while an entertaining thought while you are angry/resentful, isn't really doing the best you can for you. You are just causing further damage to a bad situation.

 

Find a place, move out and move on. That is the best that you can do and you maintain your dignity in the process. In the long run you will be more thankful for taking that route then being remorseful for taking the resentful one.

[mesmerized]

well, actually I'd like to get that girl back...

[mesmerized]

There are no guarantees in life. Everything comes to an end one way or another.

 

You made choices to help her. You took the risk to move in with her. I can understand your anger and resentment but hanging on to that isn't doing you any good and has more impact on you than her. Refusing to move out and asking her to - while an entertaining thought while you are angry/resentful, isn't really doing the best you can for you. You are just causing further damage to a bad situation.

 

Find a place, move out and move on. That is the best that you can do and you maintain your dignity in the process. In the long run you will be more thankful for taking that route then being remorseful for taking the resentful one.

 

You know... I've been thinking about it. Why the hell should I care about her? It was me who found her both the job and the apartment. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have anything. I don't want to be Mr. Nice Guy and just stand there and wait to be kicked. She ignores me, she never waits for me, treats me like air... She doesn't even want to talk to me like we used to. Can you give me one reason why I should care about her of she's acting like this?

[CatchersRye]

You know... I've been thinking about it. Why the hell should I care about her? It was me who found her both the job and the apartment. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have anything. I don't want to be Mr. Nice Guy and just stand there and wait to be kicked. She ignores me, she never waits for me, treats me like air... She doesn't even want to talk to me like we used to. Can you give me one reason why I should care about her of she's acting like this?

 

Because you allowed strangers who flirted with you to seem more important than her. When that happens, she has a right to feel slighted. What was the text message you lied about? Why couldn't you feel open to be honest with her, knowing you've proven you aren't swayed by strangers.

 

It's nice to get attention, but it's important not to take that for granted which it seems like did. You mentioned losing focus, did that happen when you were trying to fix problems that happened in China? If so, you should have told her, you may not be able to spend time with her when those problems had to be resolved.

 

As learning2relax stated, confronting her may feel right when you are angry, but it will not "get that girl back..." as you stated you want.

 

Be cordial, be nice, but do not try to be affectionate. Respect her space and "her time". Move out if you must so that you each and work on each other.

 

It doesn't matter who did the most work or anything, if you truly care about her more than being with her.

 

Own up to the problems you admit you have, try to work them out. Take up hobbies and do something (outside of trying to make her jealous or hooking up with anyone else) that gets your mind focused on something else *like improving yourself".

 

If you want, do something small and unromantic, that shows you appreciate her and remain friendly. You currently work AND live together, confrontations will not help the situation. Good luck.

[learning2relax]

So for me, I would much rather not have regrets later in life as they aren't fun and tend to take time to work through personally. I have learned this enough to avoid making mistakes that I might regret later - not perfect but much better than I used to be when I was younger.

 

If you have any negative based thoughts, any actions you take at that time are ones that you might come to regret later.

 

You made the choice at the time to help her with the things that you are now angry about. But the thing is that they were your choice and your gift to her. You are simply resentful due to where things are at right now.

 

You do not need to wait to get kicked. You can do things and make choices to not be available to kick.

 

You are NOT the victim unless you allow yourself to be. If you choose to be the victim, don't get angry about it later when more hurt comes your way. You chose to be in that position and expose yourself to the risk. You have choices in life. You can do things to be protective and good for you. Why not do some of them to move on and take care of yourself? Staying stuck, angry and resentful isn't getting you anywhere different at the moment. Is it?

[mesmerized]

ok, so the first thing she told me today in the morning (here it's 11.00 now) is this: "I hope you're not preparing anything for the Valentine's Day today?" heh... so it's really over... she doesn't want to have anything to do with me...

 

I think the best way now is to start to hate her. I don't think it's worth keeping hope what we'll be together one day... I guess it'd help me heal if I did something that would completely ruin our relations, don't you think? there's a thin line between love and hate but I guess that hate lets people move on quicker...

 

I understand that I made my choices before but I suppose I have to think now ONLY about myself and MY well-being. I'm prone to depression, I've had and still have suicidal thoughts and being around here isn't helping me. I don't want us to be friends, never, so I'll talk with her politely about her moving out. I'm too shattered now to look for a new apartment etc. etc. I don't have my pills here and my mood swings are horrible. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and vomit. I'm going through hell now... Last time I was in a situation like this I had pills, my doctor, my best friend and my family. Here, I'm ALONE.

 

On the other hand, she's taking everything normally, so she has the strength to move on and find herself a new place to live.

[mesmerized]

We had a talk on the Valentine's Day... She told me she still found me attractive but she couldn't trust me... and she couldn't give me another chance because I had wasted the ones she had given me. I will not stop fighting... even if this path leads me to a complete mental disaster... I MUST get her back... Any insights?