pinkdove Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 So I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, its my longest relationship, and I have that feeling of "the one". We talk about marriage and kids and our future all the time, he's even bought me a ring (not an engagement, just a "pre" engagement ring) just to say "I want to get married one day" from the outside it would seem like a perfect relationship. However, for no reason at all, I have a lot of trust issues, and it is slowly ruining our relationship, he's mentioned time and time again that he is having a hard time staying in the relationship. He's never cheated on me, and re-assures me he has no intentions of cheating on me, in fact, in a previous relationship he was cheated on, and tells me he could never put me through that. There was a few instances which made me upset, we broke up once a month into our relationship and I found out a few days before we broke up, he was texting and emailing other girls (he claims he knew already that he was going to break up with me, and in his mind, we were already done...but still stays he never did anything). Another time I was away for work (still relatively fresh in the relationship) and I found skanky pics of an ex in his e-mail (taken from her facebook....not sent to him) and he was sending them to his friends (not sure why). I always bring these instances up, and he gets very mad that i bring up the past, because both problems were in the first half, of our first year of dating, and like I said, its been 3 years now. I still get nervous when I see him texting people, especially girls (which isn't often) he was very chummy with a girl we both know (he knows her better) and they texted a lot, I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and it took him a while, but eventually stopped texting her. I get very paranoid, and worry that he may be either with someone else...or thinking about it. We don't live together, and I'm about 45 minutes away for school, we talk all the time, and see each other on weekends, sometimes during the week. I also feel like, things have been different between us, not as much intamacy, we don't party and have fun as much as we used to, he knows this but he just doesn't feel the same. I also battled depression/bi-polar dissorder in the past, I'm still taking medication for it, but I feel like it could be a factor, he knows that, and is trying to work with it. Its gotten to a point where he wants to go to couples therapy or some type of counselling. Does anyone have any insight on how to get around these issues, if with his past problems am I still over reacting after 2 1/2 half years, should I put this all behind me? Is couples counselling a little extreem, or nessecary? Has anyone been in the same situation? Link to comment
Lookin4Answers Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 The one thing that stood out for me from your writing is when you say you have trust issues "for no reason at all." There must be some reason that you have these issues. To be clear, I am not saying that HE is the reason, or his behaviors are the reason, but there is something about your situation in life that makes you have trust issues. No one likes to be controlled to the point that they can't talk to another human being. The anxiety and fear that you present in your lack of trust might be subconsciously frustrating him. He may not want to be around someone who always makes him feel like he is doing something wrong, when he knows that he isn't! I think seeing a couples counselor is a great idea for both of you to explore more deeply your relationship, and individual counseling could help you understand exactly why you have such a trust issue. Have you forgiven him for these past hurts that happened early on? If so, rehashing them constantly isn't a sign of forgiveness. It's dragging him back under the bus of blame and guilt. Good luck and keep me posted on what you decide. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Its gotten to a point where he wants to go to couples therapy or some type of counselling. Is couples counselling a little extreem, or nessecary? I say kudos to him for suggesting couples counselling as not many guys would even be willing to try and most would take the easy way out and walk away from any problems/conflicts. NO, couples counselling is NOT a little extreme at all, and I would say in your case, it is necessary if you want to save your relationship. If not couples counselling, then at the very least, therapy/counselling for yourself to help you understand where all your trust issues are coming from and why. Link to comment
pinkdove Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Well I mean, it's not really subconsciously frustrating him, it's just frustrating him and he tells me all the time how frustrating it is. The only real reasons I sometimes worry is because of what happened in the beginning of our relationship. He has had a lot more partners then I have (but then again he has 6 years on me) so I think knowing about his past also bothers me a bit. I never really had much attention growing up, I lived in a party house and my parrents were too busy partying to take us anywhere or do anything, they were very loving parents and provided us with what we needed, but I always felt like having fun came first for them, and I always had to fight and act out to get their attention. I'm sure that's where the depression and bi-polar dissorder came from, and my boyfriend knows this, but I don't think he truly understands, and I feel like that's the stem of my problems, and they're just carrying onto adulthood and interfering a lot. When i was in my teens, i definitely rebelled, drank, partied, and had my fair share of casual hook-ups, i thibk i only acted that way because I was so messed up that's all I really knew what to do, and it really showed me how some of the "honest" guys could be, which is another factor. I've seen a psychiatrist and talked about the problems with my trust and relationship issues, but she didn't really know how to look at it in a relationship point of view, which really didn't help much, I've tried reading all the books out there, I've recently switched birth control pills to a lower hormone dose, I mean I'm trying everything, but nothing seems to be working. I want to change my ways, I would do anything but I feel like no matter how much I want to trust him, it's like I'm programmed to think otherwise. Link to comment
chevothy Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 You need to find yourself. Love yourself and be confident. Think about it, how can he be happy with you if you're not a 'complete' person? Our stories are very similar and I ruined the relationship because I was depressed and unhappy with myself. I brought him down despite trying my best not to. He still loves me but doesn't want to be with me. I accept that but it is very hard to live without him... Here's my thread I posted if you are interested: /showthread.php?t=408102 Before it's too late, maybe take time off and take care of yourself and try and put yourself together? Check this book out also, just in case you find something you'll recognize: ''The Emotinally Abusive Relationship. How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing'' by Beverly Engel Keep in touch Link to comment
paxkramer Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 ...Why were you reading his email...? Link to comment
DoGGYtREAts Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 You need to find yourself. Love yourself and be confident. Think about it, how can he be happy with you if you're not a 'complete' person? Our stories are very similar and I ruined the relationship because I was depressed and unhappy with myself. I brought him down despite trying my best not to. He still loves me but doesn't want to be with me. I accept that but it is very hard to live without him... Here's my thread I posted if you are interested: /showthread.php?t=408102 Before it's too late, maybe take time off and take care of yourself and try and put yourself together? Check this book out also, just in case you find something you'll recognize: ''The Emotinally Abusive Relationship. How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing'' by Beverly Engel Keep in touch I have to agree with this more then anything else I've ever read in any forum anywhere. It's what really broke the preverbial cammel's back in my first relationship. She had A LOT of other problems, All of which I was willing to accept and deal with as they come... But the Absolute worst thing you can do to a partner is to keep "trying to do your best" for them whilst refusing to adress your own depression and/or paranoid tendancies. It just breeds a cycle of resement. The depressed person feels they are under appreciated for muddeling thru thier troubles, and their partner feels that their being brought down by someone who cant be reasoned with. Link to comment
pinkdove Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 ...Why were you reading his email...? I was out of town for work, and he went out one night with all his friends. I guess I was just looking for some re-assurance that he was being faithful. Like I stated, I have my own issues that I'm trying to get over, and trusting is the main thing here. Link to comment
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