bananashake Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 when my (now) exbf and I first met, he could not stand the mother of his firstborn. They were only married for 2 years and it ended extremely unamicably. He was around 1.5 yeas post divorce when I met him. He vented to me a lot about her and her boyfriend, the man she had an affair with. I felt like I was his counselor at the beginning of the relationship. I encouraged him to "let it go" and do whatever it takes to be on decent terms with her, for the sake of their child. Well, he listened. And 4 months later, they were suddenly best friends. She'd call and "vent" to him about her boyfriend, the man she had an affair with. She would vent to him about her job, give him updates on her life, her family, etc. They talked 2 times/day, with several texts in between. And no, the calls weren't all about their son. Or, he would promptly answer her calls, yet, it seemed that anytime I called or text him, he rarely returned my call. He claims she is the mother of his child.... and their new bf status it is what it is. If I don't like it, I can leave. That I am being too jealous. When I encouraged him to be on good terms with her, I didn't mean best friends. i don't think it's healthy for him or his son. boundaries need to be intact and a healthy working relationship is the best way to go. I also don't like that he PAYS her boyfriend, the man she had an affair with. He pays him to do handyman work around HIS house. He told me that he gives him work to do because "he is a BUM that doesn't work and exW has to give him an allowance every week for babysitting our son when she and I are at work, so I am doing what I can to help HER out" I pointed out that it is not HIS job to take care of her. She made the decision to leave her marriage and be with this man knowing he doesn't work. It's her life, her decision, she made this life for herself and for her son. I just can't help but feel he still has feelings for his ExW and is trying to make himself look better to ExW by giving her bf work. But behind her back, he is calling him a bum, etc. There has to be an ulteriour motive, Who does this? Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I'm kinda confused, he's your ex-bf? Why does this matter now? Link to comment
bananashake Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 I'm kinda confused, he's your ex-bf? Why does this matter now? yes, he's my ex boyfriend. We Broke up 6 weeks ago and have been on NC ever since. Why does it matter? It's a matter of getting different opinions, learning, growing from it. Because anytime I tried to talk to him about it, he always said it was my jealousy issues and he can't help me overcome MY issues. I was at rock- bottom with him and the whole thing confused me, but in my heart, I always felt that he was being unreasonable, not me. I wanted him to have a healthy r-ship with her, but they became too extreme. Link to comment
feenyx Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Well conscerning if you were wrong, no. His behavior does have alterior motives and he went about the best-friend stage that way because he assumed he had your complete blessing. I mean to say he used your words as an excuse. So for future reference, you dodged a bullet. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Whether or not it was his wife who left him or he left his wife is kind of besides the point when it comes to his son. He will have both a legal and moral responsibility to his son. He loves his son and he will want him to have as good a life as possible. THAT SAID, it does sound as though your ex was (is) still very much emotionally attached to his ex-wife. He wasn't really ready to be in a relationship by the sounds of things. All that anger he vented on you, well that really should have already been worked through before bringing someone else into the picture. There is a very thin line between love and hate. The reason he hated her so much was because he was still very hurt by her actions and most probably still loved her. Obviously it is in the best interests of their son to remain on friendly terms but it can get too confusing for all concerned, including their son, if they then become too friendly. It is possible to have an ex-spouse, a family and a new life and gf/bf at the same time without it causing any drama. Plenty of ex-husbands and wives do it. However it seems that your ex-bf's ex-wife is still very much a main priority in his life and therefore I really don't think he has moved on from her emotionally. You sound like a good person ... you were willing to listen and to help him. You deserve someone who is 100% invested in you. Link to comment
blackwings Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I don't think you did anything wrong. A jealous or insecure person wouldn't have been comfortable with any of his interactions with his exW and the fact that he already had a kid at all, let alone actually encourage him to be on good terms with her. Kudos to you for having a good head about the whole situation. But you're right. Of course his son should be a main priority in his life, and having a civil relationship with his son's mother is a part of that, but it seems as if he made his exW just as a much of a priority of his as his son, and that is not ok if he also wants to move on and have a healthy relationship with someone else. And giving the guy she cheated on him with work to do around his house because he can't get a job just seems kind of weird and really lame to me. Link to comment
Di_ya2009 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 IMO you did nothing wrong , good for you for breaking up. His reasons are BS. Link to comment
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