Regained Love, Deep Hurt for recent EX.

[KipperBoy]

Hi, i'll try to keep it brief.

 

I recently got back with my first girlfriend and first love from school. It's been a dream come true and we are now expecting a baby. However!

 

To achive this task I split with my girlfriend and live in partner of 11 years. We didn't have a phyisical relationship for over 7 years but she was very emotionally dependent on me, and we were quite good friends I suppose.

 

Trouble is because of the above I have tried to make the split as painless as possible by not being nasty about things because I really don't like hurting her feelings and although I really wanted (needed) to get back with my first love I have no pride over hurting my recent ex so deeply. But!

 

She won't stop calling me all the time, expecting to be friends, demanding a lot of my time and such like, my current Girlfriend does not like this (understandibly) and we row about it frequently and she just wants me to tell her to *bleep* off. I don't really feel that this is within my capacity to do so as I'm really not a nasty blunt guy, but if I don't I fear it may ruin my regained relationship.

 

How do you think I should proceed, think I can guess whats coming but anyway. It's driving me mad.

[toolgirl150]

Well, I bet you can guess - you pretty much answered your own question. If you do not fully end things with this person you will jeapordize your current relationship.

 

I have to say the tone of your e-mail sounded pretty happy. I think you seem happy with your new/first love. And expecting! Congrats! But in all honesty, it sounds like your previous relationship was unfullfilling in many ways and was more of a very good friend situation and not a lover/partner kind of thing. I know you feel obligation toward this woman and in a small way, letting things go for so long like that, maybe you kind of do. 11 years is a heck of a long time. But in reality, she needs to move on and you need to focus on the task at hand. Making your current love a priority and to not add insecurites or distrust to your relationship - maintaining some sort of relationship with your ex will bring those aspects to your current relationship. And honey, once the baby is born, you will have neither the time nor the energy to devote anybody else!!

 

Close things off with this woman from the past before it messes up the grat thing you have going!

[KipperBoy]

Thanks Toolgirl,

 

Recent update on the situation is, ex called me tonight and I told her that I wanted to cool the dialogue down totally as it's making things difficult for me at the moment (trying to be open and honest and reasoning over things) but as predicted it did NOT go down well at all. She now wants to call my girlfriend tomorrow and say anything nasty she can think of about me including telling her that I've visited her (just for support when she was emotional) when my girlfiend may not have been aware of it.

 

It's really taking a twist for the worse, she seems to want to ruin my current relationship now as she can't have me anymore. It's depressing and I must admit I'm more than a little worried.

 

Your right, I am SO in love with this girl and I guess that I understand clearly that I never fell out of love with her. Her parents took her to another country to live when we were back in highschool so it ended things for us back then, neither of us wanted that and I never dreamed I would ever be able to get her back. So YES i'm really happy to be back with her and I can't believe that we're going to be having a baby together, unless my recent ex spoils things for me and she seems hell bent on it now

 

Anyway thanks for the advice.

[toolgirl150]

Your next step is a preemptive strike. If you have done nothing officially wrong, then you have nothing to worry about. But the first thing is to talk to your gf. Tell her EVERYTHING. Or at least most of what she needs to know. Tell her how this other woman is kind of nutso and is not taking no for an answer. Reiterate how much you love your current girlfriend and you don't want anything to jeapordize your future. Your current gf may get kind of mad at you for with holding some things, but not nearly as mad or confused if she hears it from this crazy woman.

 

Do it now. It will only strengthen your present relationship and show how much you trust her. If it helps, let her read this site. i think you were very honest in everything here and it shows that you have a heart of gold.

 

good luck and go for it. Don't let another's poison ruin a good thing. Take matters into your own hands and just do it! You may find your self doing some damage control groveling with your current gf, but its worth it, isnt it?

 

keep us posted!

[KipperBoy]

Yeah you're right,

 

Pre-emptive is the best way to go, I've not been misleading to my new girlfriend at all and I don't feel I've done anything wrong. Just a few times I did go round I forgot to mention it, then realised some time later that I could and should have but that it was perhaps a little too late. Apart from that I didn't want it to be a cause of bother at the time, as I don't like her being upset especially now she's pregnant.

 

It was nice of you to think I've a heart of gold, I wouldn't go quite that far. Guess I'm not such an awful person though, lol.

 

Telling my EX to *bleep* off was not what I really wanted to do but I suppose I will have no choice. I really find it difficult to be so blunt though as I didn't want our relationship to end this way, although it's not been the loving relationship I was missing for years it was a comfortable arrangement, with neither of us being particularly unpleasant to each other. I don't mean her any malace either and I don't enjoy being the cause of further pain to her. Suppose I need to think of myself here now.

 

I love my new girlfriend SO much though I will do WHATEVER is necessary to keep things together.

 

Thanks again ToolGirl, your a nice person.

 

KipperBoy

[KipperBoy]

Here is the situation now.

 

I've tried cooling things off with my ex but she still calls up, my new g/f still doesn't like it and it's all really getting on top of me.

 

I find it really difficult to be nasty enough to tell my ex not to darken my doorstep again for the following reasons:

 

1. I know that she calls because she genuenly worries about how I'm doing.

 

2. She needs to be able to talk to me when she is upset (like a coping mechanism). How can I be so horrible under those circumstances alone.

 

3. I made promises when I broke it off with her that I would be there to help her through it and I'm not a man that likes to break promises. Especially under those circumstances.

 

4. I guess if I'm honest although I don't love my ex I do care about her (difficult not to when you spent 11 years with someone to completely and suddenly expect them to take telling them to *bleep* off lying down).

 

5. I feel the situation has improved dramatically since we split up through this method of "slow wind down" although I know that it would become much worse again if I did execute the deed that is expected of me, don't want to undo the progress I've made in this area.

 

So you see it's not as easy or straightforward for me to tell her to *bleep* off as my new g/f wants me to and as I've so far been advised.

 

It's really getting on top of me (from both sides), the ex as she won't leave me alone (on the phone quite often still) and the g/f as she gets angry that I won't tell her to *bleep* off completely when I feel that it's impossible for me for reasons stated above.

 

Help!!!!!

 

Please answer whichever question below you feel would be the most appropriate course of action for me to try to complete or achieve.

 

a. How does someone that doesn't feel like he wants to be a nasty dude be the nasty dude he feel he can't be under these circumstances.

 

b. How does one try to explain successfully to his g/f (who has every right to expect me to get rid of excess baggage) why I find it almost impossible to do this currently without causing further arguments (this only compounds the issue for me).

 

c. Got any other advice you on how I can effectively deal with this problem, even it is "tell her to *bleep* off" which is really not the answer I would prefer although it's looking like the only one.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice. I'm really upset over this and the last thing in the world I want to do is to loose my g/f over it although I really wish I could get her support with this (I know that's a tall order under the circumstances to expect).

 

I love my g/f more that she realises. I just care about what happens to my ex and I'm NOT trying to keep a dialouge going myself I just don't want to be the nasty guy that tells her to *bleep* off in the end, but perhaps there really is no other way.

 

Thanks for listening again.

 

KipperBoy.

[bzborow1]

The previous poster is right. You need to head off any possibility of your live-in friend saying things to ruin your current relationship. She has alread indicated to you she will do it in a heartbeat. Beat her to the punch, and be honest.

[toolgirl150]

Ok - I think you need to "fish or cut bait", kipperboy!

 

Seriously though. I see both sides of your situations. Not 100% sure what I would do if I were you. I used to have the same syndrome you have. The "wanting-to-make-everyone-happy" syndrome.

 

Well it doesn't work.

 

Lets think about this. What would really happen if you cut off contact with this person? Would she go postal, jump off a roof, flip out? If that is so, then she needs more help than you can give her. And if you have been reading any of my own topics and many others, are you REALLY doing her good by letting her down slowly? Easing her out of it? Honey, you are NOT doing her any good - she needs to have her episodes or whatever and move on. Yes, I agree that 11 years is a long time, and you shared many things together - but if it aint going to be, it aint going to be. And the sooner she believes that the better (trust me I know).

 

PLUS: Your present g/f is carrying your child. She will need you to be at her side emotionally and physically 100% very very soon. I know this. Every time you backslide and try to soothe your ex's feeling, your present g/f feels abandoned. And of note: your g/f will probably start very soon to experience intense mood swings. Now is not the time to mess with her head or her sense of security.

 

No, you do not have to tell her to *bleep* off. But you do need to dicontinue contact. Do not return calls, if you do see her or speak to her, be short, businesslike and get out.

 

Your ex is an adult and she WILL get over it. Dragging her through this is not allowing her to get over it. Every time she sees you , it brings her hopes up. If she is that emotionally fragile, then she needs serious help. Write a letter or something to her family or friends (odds are they are probably not talking to you). It is high time that your ex started standing on her own two feet. And you are doing her a diservice by coddling her - giving her false hopes. She can and she will get through this, but she will do it best if she is without you. (if you have read my posts, I was dumped by someone and although I haven't been a model of perfection through this, I find I am getting over it better when I DON'T have anything to do with him)

 

I'm not kidding, you are playing around with serious trust issues and when you lose trust (like from your current gf) it is VERY hard to get it back. You are back with the woman who makes you the happiest. She is carrying your child. You are starting a new family. Do the right thing.

 

And remember - YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! If you try, you will lose the peope in your life that make you the happiest.

 

There is no need to be an a@#hole - you know that - but you can set boundries and focus on your priorities. My suggestion - try no contact. Do not return calls, do not call her, just kind of start avoiding. Be there for your new family and let go of the old.

 

Good luck and keep us posted...

[bzborow1]

As far as your ex is concerned. You are going to have to lay down the law to her, otherwise she will do everything in her power to manipulate you.

 

As for your current gf. I would seriously give her the link to this discussion. She see from your posting on here that you're really trying to walk a fine line on this...but understand you may just have to be the bad guy in this.

 

As for being the bad guy. I actually think by cutting your ex off, you're doing everybody a favor. Your ex won't see it now, but for her to move on and get a new life and support system...she's gotta be told to be alone and move on. And likewise for yourself and your current gf.

[KipperBoy]

Yeah I take all your kind comments onboard.

 

She called me again 5 minutes ago (semi drunk) blaming me not being able to see her on my girlfriend and that she is going to go and see her tomorrow and stuff to sort her out. I told her to F off at this point and not to call again (she will).

 

I've tried telling her to get lost and this is the thing she always seems to end up doing. I guess I'm not a totally stupid or blind person, so I can see that she is trying to be manipulative.

 

Drawing the matter (at this precise time) to my girlfriend's attention I don't think would be the best thing. She seems to be very upset of late at the smallest thing (probably hormones). I'm saying the things I need to say to my ex. Thing is she won't go away and is defaulting back to threats that she is going to make trouble for me (she says she doesn't mean too, nonsense) but my g/f needs to know that after 11 years that she can't stop us being buddies. If this were at all possible I would go along with it to keep the peace but I know that it's not going to be possible at all!

 

So at least I am actioning the advice you've all been giving (thanks) but so far the outcome is not good and rather exactly what I predicted. My g/f really doesn't need this b/s right now. I love her so much and I don't want her being upset! Worst of all although I think that it's unlikely I don't want her going off me.

 

Anyway I'll keep you updated. Knowing my luck she will manage to wreck things for me with my g/f now

 

KipperBoy