Can't get any alone time

[Enigmatical]

Am I a terrible person for feeling like this?

 

I have always been an introverted person who values my alone time. Growing up, I was often at home alone or in my room alone and I loved it. I like the feeling of being able to listen to music, vegging out, having control over the tv remote, etc without anyone watching me.

 

Now I never get that since I live with my boyfriend. Dont get me wrong, I love him! But we are always within eye view of each other. Not only that, we work together too at a major retail store, and we come home at the same time so whenever I am home, he's here too. I never have a day off when he has to work. He doesn't have many friends so he's not very social. Every great once in a while, he'll leave for a few hours to go do something but that's maybe less than once a month.

 

The closest thing I feel like I can get to having "me time" is when he's asleep or playing WoW. And it's not just him, I would feel this way if this were with anyone else too. I just like being alone sometimes.

 

I don't have my own vehicle, so I can't just leave the house unless I am with someone else, which defeats the purpose.

 

I don't feel like I can tell him this without him getting offended.

 

Any suggestions?

[camus154]

There's nothing wrong with needing alone time whatsoever. Don't be afraid to tell him this, although you will need to be careful about how you phrase it. Better yet, why not start scheduling some regular activity that you can do on your own, even if it's just slipping away to a coffee shop with a good book or a laptop? If you don't have your own car, then why not take the bus, a cab, or walk?

[mhowe]

Pretty simple --- tell him. Communicate. How is he supposed to know?

 

You're getting frustrated, and he will (if he is not already) feeling distance from you because you are getting irritable. You can say it in a way that won't offend him --- and who knows, maybe he is feeling the same way.

[april15]

If he is really into WOW you could tie these two together. See if you can get him to get into his WOW zone and completely leave you alone. Discuss your introversion with him and ask him to give you a chance to recharge your energies by giving you alone time while he kills things in Azeroth.

 

I think if you focus on wanting time to yourself, not space away from him, especially if you can both be in the same home but he leaves you alone, it will help him see you are just getting your introversion recharge.

[mindi]

You shouldn't require a car to go out! Even if you live in the middle of no where, you could go for a walk somewhere and be alone. Bring your MP3 player.

[FrenchFries]

I feel your pain. I NEED that time as I am very strongly introverted. I am my own best friend, as one lady I know put it. Anyway, my bf is not that way at all. I really think he could be around me 24 hours a day and not ever need to be alone so I had the same dilemma. I was feeling smothered but didn't want to hurt his feelings. I would start getting grouchy and snapping at him for no reason. Finally I just flat out told him, babe I love you but I have to have "me" time. I still have to remind him of that from time to time, but he understood as best he could and we are ok. I get recharged and he gets a happy, attentive lady when all is said and done. Win-win Just tell him.

[Enigmatical]

Thanks for the advice guys! It's nice to know my feelings are normal.

 

Sometimes I get grouchy for an unknown reason to me at the time, and I think this is why. I sometimes feel an urge to snap at him just so he will say "Fine, be that way!" and not pay attention to me for a few. But I try not to do that, I don't want to damage our relationship.

 

I will try to find a careful way to express this to him. The problem is, I fear that he will become suspicious of any behavior from me that is out of the ordinary, which has happened on occasion. If I just came at him and said, "Hey I'm taking the bus to the coffee shop/mall/wherever," he would be curious as to what I was up to, even if I told him it was because I wanted alone time. He's a paranoid person and always thinks people have hidden agendas. He says he has always been that way.

 

So I feel like to pull that off, I would have to set it up in a way that he wouldn't think anything of it. Ugh I know that sounds really bad on his part.

[camus154]

It does sound bad on his part. You're an adult and you have every right to go off by yourself to do whatever you'd like to do alone. If he can't accept that, that's his problem, not yours to cater to.

[mhowe]

No, actually --- it sounds really bad for both of you. That you cannot tell him something honest about how you are feeling and have him accept it. That he will be paranoid....and so you will make up a scenario that is covering what is going on.

 

Your issue isn't alone time --- it's communication.

[Enigmatical]

You're right. Communication has been an issue.

 

I know it's not right, but I'm not sure how to take it from here. Should I just break this cycle of trying to stay within the perimeters of what he finds normal or acceptable, tell him I want alone time, and then let him pout if he thinks I'm up to something else or gets offended? I plan to trying to be sensitive to not offending him, but what if that doesn't work? Do I just let him put it out on his own?

[mhowe]

Explain your feelings to him calmly. Tell him how you plan to set-up "alone time". Tell him you appreciate his understanding this -- how much you value your time together, but that you need sometimes, just to be.

 

He is an adult --- he should be able to handle it. How can wanting to be alone be offensive?

 

If he pouts or over-reacts --- well, then it's not about communication -----it's about trust.

[ParisPaulette]

Whoa, hang on. There is nothing terrible at all with you or wanting time alone. I also used to feel guilty about that since between work and friends and family I would have to literally sneak out of my own house sometimes to get a few moments alone in the back yard. Until my kid or someone would come looking for me--sigh. And then one day a good friend of mine summed it up very well when he mentioned I was probably an introvert. I got a little snippy with him since I thought he was calling me shy and I'm anything but that although yeah I do need my alone time and I hate things like cocktail parties where one is expected to stand around and make trivial small talk to strangers. He then explained that being an introvert doesn't so much mean you're shy or socially awkward as it does where you get energy from--i.e. introverts get energy from being by themselves while extroverts get energy from being with others. He shrugged and told me neither type of person is more "right" than the other, it's just sort of human nature. It made complete sense to me and ever since then I've made sure to have my alone time and not feel guilty about it--and to understand why my extroverted friends and family hate being alone. It sounds like that may be the case here too--you get energy from being alone while your boyfriend is energized by being with people.

 

You should explain to your boyfriend that sometimes you just need some alone time the same way he needs to be around you and others. That you love him, but you're used to that alone time and actually need it once in awhile to relax and recharge your batteries so to speak. Then work out something with him on how to get that. If he's paranoid about you needing alone time then find a way to reassure him about what you're doing--i.e. have him drop you off somewhere so he sees for himself where you are, send him a pic of the coffee shop you're at, tell him he can tail you if he's really paranoid about it, etc. Anything to get accross to him that you are not hiding anything, but you do need and want that alone time. Then insist he come and get you afterwards so the two of you can do something together.

 

Or you may just have to put your foot down and let him get over it. Once he sees that it doesn't mean you're off sneaking around and it doesn't mean you want to leave the relationship all together he will likely calm down and come around to your point of view. I had to do that with my bubbly extroverted best friend who was really hurt at first by why I didn't want him tagging along with everything I did. In the end we struck a compromise--I'd go do things by myself then we'd go do something together. Yeah, at first he pouted like crazy until he saw that the friendship was basically unchanged except for the fact I was now not nearly so prone to * * * * * iness. His exact words were, "Wow, you are so much nicer when you get your alone time!" He's now nearly as big a fan of my alone time as I am and will even push me to get some in if I start getting stressed and snappy towards everyone. LOL

 

The point is you have to find some way to be able to express your own needs inside of the relationship since keeping something that is that integral to your own sense of health and well-being won't simply go away.