Will no contact bring my wife back

[sakakori]

My wife & kids left me 4 months ago & went out of state to live with her sister due to my drinking problem (I completed my 12 step program). We have maintained daily communication. She promised to come home before xmas so i looked 4 funds for airfair. When time came to secure tickets she started avoiding my calls and sms. She has done same thing on 3 previose occations. She sent me nasty sms complaining that i flooded her voicemail and her text message inbox. I have a problem of becomming emotional. I have also shown too much needyness and desperation. I was adviced to do the NC. It is my 3rd day and i am torn apart. I need a support system. Is it gonna work?

[hers]

What do you mean you "completed" a 12-step program?

 

Typically, if you have a drinking problem and you are in AA or some sort of recovery program with teh steps, you do not "complete" it and you need to continue to go in order for your recovery to better.

[sakakori]

I go to aa just got done with the steps

[Thorshammer]

Show her you changed, continue that progress, and dont play any games. How can you display change if you try to vanish off the face of the earth? Plus, you have children to contact. You go NC they will think you dont care and went back on the bottle.

 

Control your neediness and clinginess, that's ugly. Every time you do that you look like a weak child, you show you are far from masculine, and you dont bring out the feminity of your wife with this behavior.

 

And you and your drinking has to stop. Dont do it for anyone but yourself (but let them be your motivator to succeed), if you are at your best, happy and living a positive life, then people will gravitate to you.

 

Avoid any behavior that runs on chaos (losing jobs, forgetting appointments and commitments) become and showcase stability in yourself and your surroundings. Control your emotions, becoming emotional means you have no control, your feelings are unstable, control it. I am sure there are some good books out there that teach you how to control yourself with stress and anxiety. You need control, not only in yourself and your surroundings, but in taking stress face-on, not running away, or letting it control you.

[OptomisticGirl]

No contact is to better yourself, not bring your wife back. Same with AA - you seem to have the mindset once you tidy everything up she will come running back. Reality is you shouldn't check off a bunch of steps or do NC to get her back, neither will work like that. Until you focus on you and stop looking at everything as 'check, what's next in the line to get her back?' she won't come back and stay.

[hers]

Do you have a sponsor? I've been in recovery in a similiar program for 4 years and am not through my 4th step yet! If you've only been in a few months (not sure, from what it seems like in your OP you've only been in a few months), there's a chance the program hasn't completely hit you yet. Keep working it...once you finish your steps, it doesn't mean the program is complete or you've graduated!

 

You need to work with your sponsor on this matter as well, definitely. If you don't have a sponsor, you need to get one to make sure your program is working the right way for you. Your sobriety and possibly the well-being of your marriage depend on it. Also recommend to your wife to get into Al-Anon so she can work on herself in this as well.